1) Flow: This was a bit awkward at times as far as sentence and paragraph structure, but the general organization of the piece was very good.
2) Technical Stuff: There are some punctuation and grammar problems, but they seem to be pretty easy fixes.
3) Uniqueness: Yeah, this was a very sad story. I think you tried to make it happy at the very end by showing how he succeeded, lol, but it was pretty much a failed attempt (at least to me because that letter that the dad wrote at the end was really sad). If this was your goal, you did a really good job!
4) Usage of Writer's Tools: You did a pretty good job of describing things. For example, in the beginning, you used the "pit in his stomach" phrase a few times (although you may have used it a bit too much; you used it once and then again a few lines below. Try not to overuse certain phrases. However, don't feel bad; I think we all have those phrase that plague us in that way . . .). Also, I like how you "sped up" the pace of the writing when they were nervous and rushing to the hospital.
5) General Impression: Now, I don't know where you're from (ex. You could be from England, Australia, Canada, etc. . . ), but I'm from the United States; my favorite line is "Bad things only happen to other people." I think it was an excellent decision to include that because I believe that many of America's problems are due to this mentality that we Americans have. Just thought that was cool. Overall, I think you did a really good job of expressing the troubles that the family goes through, and then contrasting it with their love and devotion to each other. However, I think that you could do with a few more examples. For the first part of this story (before the bit about the basketball hoop for his birthday), you give the reader a detailed description and analysis of the family's problems through the main character's point of view, but with very little description. An example is in the eighth paragraph where you describe the situation. In my opinion, I think the story would be even more interesting if you included little situations or events that show the reader and not tell the reader about the family's problems (remember, this is only my opinion, and you can do whatever you want). You did an excellent job of this in the latter half of the story, however, with the whole "Cancer" thing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
1) Flow: This poem was fun to read out loud. I'm glad you chose not to do any rhyming with this poem; I think that the general flow of the poem, as far as comparing his description of his love for you and your evaluation, is quite good the way it is. I also loved your word choice (specific words that I personally thought were awesome: wilt, silken, and perish.
2) Technical Stuff: Obviously, as this is a shorter piece and a poem at that, you couldn't go wrong with spelling or grammar or anything, so good job on that, lol. Again, I like the "meter" (wow, I'll be honest--I have no idea if that's the right word) that you loosely adhered to--it made it less obvious that you were doing the comparison thingy. Yeah, I didn't even realize it until I was about three-quarters of the way finished. I think that's a good thing. It definitely adds something.
3) Uniqueness: I loved this because it wasn't just another sappy love poem. Yeah, you really did a good job on delving deeper and almost ridiculing the "Romeo and Juliet"-type of love. I'm not sure if that's what you were exactly getting at, but I loved reading this anyways. Oh yeah, and "English Rose." I have no idea what you meant by that, but the mysteriousness that it brought to the poem was great.
4) Usage of Writer's Tools: Again, I liked how you kind of compared what he said about his love for you and the reality of those comparisons (basically how his love was temperory --ish?)
5) General Impression: I really loved this piece. I think you could really use your talents as a poet to continue exploring these interesting themes. WRITE ON!!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
WHOA! This was seriously some of the best writing I have ever seen: I loved it! First, as for usage and style, you did an awesome job. It seemed as if literally everything was worded perfectly, and you had the perfect amount and style as for the usage of idioms. You had the fewest words, the best words, and the best order--a truly awesome thing to achieve. Secondly, the technical/grammatical stuff like spelling and all that was perfect (I only saw one mistake in the whole thing--amazing). Thirdly, your the uniqueness of your idea for this piece was awesome. I've definitely never read anything like this before, and it was really very exhilerating to read, especially for a story about a plant!. Fourthly, you definitely used some awesome things available to you as a writing from the ol' writers toolbox (by that I mean literrary devices). Mainly, I noticed you had really good personification. The reason why I liked it so much is because it was deep personification and not shallow personification like it usually is with some people. You didn't just give the plant a few random human characteristics, but you honestly pondered the deep emotional side of this plants life. In fact, you asked some important life questions through the life of this plant, despite the fact that it is really just a plant. Fifthly, my general impression was, OMG! THIS IS SO AMAZING. I was really very impressed. I loved it. Oh yeah, and the ending was priceless! Good job and keep writing! IGOR
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is really cool. It has a funny/awkward sense of humor that had me laughing the whole way. First of all, although I haven't the slightest idea why, Wilbur was the perfect name for this character. Secondly, I love how you slowly slipped in the humorous bits, little-by-little. Like at first, I thought the TV reflection thing was funny, but then when the TV reflection-thing took off a bit more, I thought it was hilarious! As for the whole time/soul theme of it, I definitely think it made this piece very interesting. Your word choice was, for the most part, really good and it helped add to the time theme. There were a few grammatical errors, but they didn't take away from the piece at all. Actually, I really like the randomness of this piece--like the random, detailed reference to the Lord of the Rings (the t shirt thing) was awesome. Oh yeah, and I wasn't all that sure about the overall theme or some random other things (like why is his last name Strode-I'm guessing it's pretty significant), but that's okay because I just think I'm not really that great at interpreting literature. I thought this had an awesome sense of focus despite it's random-awesomeness, and you should definitely keep writing!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/igor
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 2:49pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
