This is a highly contemplative poem, and I really like it. For someone new to writing poetry, this poem comes across just fine. Its image of a person looking into a mirror and not liking what he/she sees is an easy one to conjure up. The idea that there is a duality to human nature comes across clearly to the reader.
Here are a couple of things that I noticed while reading your poem:
but, it is just beyond your reach. Delete the comma and the phrase "it is" to condense this line.
your face cringesyou cringe in disgust. Again, condense!
One thing you might want to try is to re-read your poems and see if you can get the same ideas across in fewer words. (PS: I have a major problem with this myself when I write poetry!) The more you can condense and consolidate the words that you use, the richer the poem and its images will be. They will pop off the page...um, computer screen...for your reader. This is a great poem, and it can be made better by economizing on the number of words that you use...see my two comments above about the two lines I condensed.
These guys are picking up and killing folks for the fun of killing, aren't they? Their matter-of-fact attitude toward the killing of George set my nerves on edge a bit to think that they could be so cavallier about putting someone to death like that. But then, I guess there are any number of people out there who could turn out to be like these two, given the right circumstances.
I'd really like to know more about these two characters and why they have chosen to go off on this killing spree that not only includes other men, but children as well. What set them off? Is the law onto them? What do they get out of the killings?
I enjoyed reading your story and would like to see more of it. Keep right on writing and revising, and good luck in the contest!
I really like this story a lot! You've got the hand-off of a valuable clue, a mysterious bus terminal locker that doesn't seem to exist, a letter from God knows where, and a curious individual who carries out instructions. I'm just not sure that you really have a dead body here. I'd like to see the woman go to Rufus' funeral and stand in the background to see who might be lurking there looking for her, or some such thing. Otherwise, it is very nicely written and compact!
Here are a few things that I noticed while reading your story:
I laughed to myself, thinking about how much everyone in this town lovesloved new news, especially if it iswas news about any loud, attention grabbing, very public conflict between elected city officials and anyone else. Try to keep all verbs in the same tense...in this case, past tense.
“Why it's a locker key for the bus terminal.” Here you need an apostrophe to show that you are using the contraction of "it is."
I hadn’t realized until I walked in how long it had been since I had been inside thisthe building. The word "this" puts the reader inside the building. By using "the" instead, you distance the reader from participation in the events.
I would have no reasonable excuse for being there. Again, you don't want the reader to be a participant in the story, so use "there" instead of "here."
The writing was barely readable but I could only make out parts of the letter. With the word "but," you don't want to use "only." Rather, you could change "but" to "and" and then leave the word "only" in place.
Millions and millions of dollars worthof oil was being stolen. missing word
Now, I had to decide what to do with all this information, and not to end up dead,too. The wording of this ending sounds awkward. See if you can reword it to make it stronger and make the threat against her life seem more real and potent.
Overall, I liked this poem a lot! The rhythm really caught my attention, and I noticed in the first stanza, breaks in the rhythm when the speaker was talking about being eaten and choked. Very nicely done, since those things tend to break the routine of everyday, normal living.
I felt as if I had fallen into a film noir when I read this poem. The feeling I got as a reader told me to keep watching the shadows for any movement I might sense.
Here is one thing that I noticed while reading your poem:
Wow! What an ordeal Charmian has gotten herself engulfed in in this chapter! First being sent off on an journey by herself, and then fending off a black bear and passing out just as it is about to attack. What could possibly go wrong for her next??
I can hardly wait for you to finish another chapter or two so that I can keep up with Charmian and her activities!
Your writing style is definitely designed to captivate the reader, and reading your novels has taught me quite a lot about ending chapters with a cliffhanger that keeps the reader turning pages and thirsting for more!
Thank you for sharing your work with us here at writing.com
I like the way Marten located the entrance to the Sky Tree and the portal that is opened at the end for Charmian. The interplay between your characters is incredibly realistic and flowing.
It would be interesting to find out what happened long ago to make Manabozho's brothers leave as they did, but what will Charmian have to sacrifice to learn this information?
Here is something that I noticed while I read this chapter:
Then just as the doorway vanished for good he jumped at it, and with a small pop, disappeared.
Very good writing!! Keep right on writing and revising
I truly got chills reading this story! I hate wasps and other stinging things with a passion, and I can readily sympathize with Ralph. All he wanted was a relaxing evening in the privacy of his own home, and what did he get? An invasion of wacked out accupuncuturists, hell-bent on wreaking pain and injury! Very nicely written piece!
Here are a few things I noticed while reading your story:
“f*** me!” Ralph screamed while simultaneously jumping backward, catching his foot on the discarded shoe laying in the middle of the floor and falling heavily to the ground, Why did Ralph scream like this? What did he see? Did he spray the wasp(s)? How many were there?
he managed to dash face first into the side of the ajar door, bloodying his nose and splitting open his lip, plus, bruising his left cheek;
If it had been a bee Ralph was dealing with, the second sting never would have camecome,
Ralph’s slap barely grazed the creature's body, but it touched it enough to piss it off even more.
Ralph ran madly toward the kitchen, flayingflailing his hands above his head
his constant flayingflailing and screaming just continued to anger the beast.
One final scream of terror and three minutes of flayingflailing and dancing and Ralph’s bout with his phobia had come to a conclusion.
Wow! I never would have guessed that Shadow Water was Moon Wolf's child! This section of the chapter reveals a lot of what went on in the first novel and makes a lot of things clear that weren't so before. It also gives Charmian good reason to become as self-righteous as she does here, but didn't Moon Wolf protect her from Ocryana and by his death he did help to set in motion all the events that set Shadow Water free of her mother's domination. I hope that Charmian is able to calm down and be on friendly terms with her mentor once again.
You have a very poignant scene between Mani and Charmian right at the start of the chapter, and I could really feel the emotional attachment these two characters have for each other. It goes much deeper than a shared piece of spirit stone, and that was very obvious here. Nice job!
Manabozho's reaction to Charmian's mention of bringing his brothers alone brings out his true nature as being part manatou. It is nice to see him showing some spunk rather than just poofing into rabbit form and hopping away.
Marten is a really annoying little necessity, isn't he! He is the perfect pain in the butt who has all the know-how that the others need. Very nicely written!
You absolutely had my heart racing as I paced the room with your character and felt his body ripping itself further and further out of his control. I wanted to reach out and help him, but was helpless to do so! Great job!!
Here are a few things that I noticed as I read your piece:
Finally he felt his grip on the armchair relax, thehis fingers fell slack.
He was pacingpaced, up and down and back again. He could heard nothing but his own breath. Keep the verbs active so as to not let the action slack off
He was likeresembled a treadmill turned on overdrive.
There was aA sudden sharp pain caught him behind histhe eyelids, and one of the shadowy figures touched him.
His head collapsed in on itself, and he was fallingfell backwards.
He couldn’t breathe, each gasp wasproduced a needle-sharp pain in his throat.
Just watch out for those passive verbs that keep slipping into your writing. They tend to slow down the action and interfer with the rapid pacing you worked so hard here to create.
I really enjoyed reading this piece and feel as if it is part of a longer story. If you do incorporate it into a longer piece, please let me know since I would be more than happy to see what kind of a story you would couch this situation in!
Great job!! Glooskap seemed to be hedging about helping Charmian, but I'm glad that he will help if Charmian can take care of Chakenapok first. But, I thought Chakenapok wasn't the problem. Why does Chakenapok need to be defeated when he was asking for help to be released from whatever had taken over his spirit stone? Wouldn't defeating him sort of defeat the purpose?
Whoa!! This series just keeps getting better and better! I'm not sure this Glooskap character is all that the other characters crack him up to be. I am under the impression that he has been deceived by Malsum, while Charmian could see that Malsum had not been as "trapped" as Glooskap thought he was.
Here is something that I noticed while reading...
She lowered her arms and she and Mani stared at the odd glowing shape in curiosity until the sparkles puffed loose,and as if blown off by a breeze, and evaporated, and Charmian found herself staring at...a middle-aged native man in a business suit.
I honestly can't wait to start reading the next part!!
Yes, you have hit the nail on the head here! But how do we vaccinate kids against this ailment called racism? -- or any other -ism for that matter?? It is truly a dilemma for our society to solve.
Very interesting presentation of your fruit basket self!! I love it! You chose a very restrictive format in which to couch your ideas, and you presented them very clearly and concisely!
Wow! This piece sends a powerful message to us readers about how we should treat others like there is no possibility of living tomorrow.
I like the way you describe the lack of knowing between the main character and her mother, but I would also like to know more about how the main character personally felt knowing that Mom's last vision was that of the speaker's hate-twisted face. Is there remorse here? The ending leaves it open as to whether the speaker is feeling remorse or a sense of thrill that a hatred so powerful will never come again.
Whoa! What an incredible character Glooskap is! He is most definitely larger than life! How will Charmian ever find her voice to talk to him?
I like the glowing cobwebs, but how did Charmian know to that her dreammaker might contain the same glowing threads? I just remember her being told that some of its threads were spider web threads in an earlier chapter.
I think I'd freak out if I saw someone staring in at me through my window!! Aside from the fact that he'd have to be 12 feet tall, he'd really have to work at getting up to my window...maybe by sitting on my neighbor's fence, and now what kind of a lunatic would do a thing like that?? See why I'd be scared!!
On a more serious note, here are a few things I noticed while reading your poem:
Freaky eye'seyes are aglow. Only use the apostrophe "s" with a noun to show possession, not for plurals.
TruelyTruly, I'm a freak,
You'de think I was complete delete the "e" at the end of the first word.
Vision's of her sleeping, delete the apostrophe
And the best pill'spills that I can find.
Even I have a set of larger shoe'sshoes to fill.
Take me to you'reyour house for tea, Here, the contraction "you're" means "you are," and it doesn't fit with the sentence's context. Rather, you need the possessive "your."
This is certainly one sick individual who is speaking. I do not want to catch whatever bug he/she has, and I hope it is not contagious!! Yuck, you really bring up a nauseating subject here hee!
Here are a few grammatical issues that I noticed while reading your piece:
Is a rather awfull mess, delete the second "l" in "awfull."
Shall I bloat my cheek's? delete the apostrophe since it is not needed here.
Ready for the new's, delete the apostrophe since it is not needed here.
Even I can read the clue's. delete the apostrophe since it is not needed here.
NO! I scream out loud, it's landed on my shoe'sshoes!
Whoa! This one is surely a stinker I like the way you use repetition to say absolutely nothing of interest to the reader ... hee!! Have fun with the rest of the decathlon!!
Fibromyalgia certainly sounds like a very nasty ailment. It is hard to believe that doctors don't think it is a real affliction! What will it take to convince them -- having them get the disease themselves...maybe. Arggghhh, it makes me mad when they treat patients without respect like that!
Your poem is a real eye opener for someone like me who does not have the condition you describe. Thank you for sharing it with us.
The only change I would make is in the second to last line where I would replace "you" with "I" to keep the whole poem in the same person.
You got a one star rating, my friend The subject matter, while true, is truly yucky enough to rate a single star Not a particularly pleasing view of summer fun, is it...hee
Good luck in the rest of the decathlon!!
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