\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/insaneness
Review Requests: OFF
5 Public Reviews Given
29 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Our Black Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Jennifer Doran Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
When adding a chorus to a lyrical piece, just add the words out, don't type out chorus repeat 2xs. Although, you as an author already know the chorus, the read doesn't, and would have to scroll up to reread it. Thus, creating confusing, and the idea are to make the transition from stanza to stanza easy and have a go flow. (This would also limit the need to label the chorus part, as the reader would understand the repetitive part is the chorus.)

Remember to slow your pieces down, say it a lot, when you pause, or an idea pauses, this means the sentence has ended, or a coma is needed, for example, "Like a rose, love dies." Also, use the correct conjunctions, but is the same as however, also is the same as in addition. So in the second sentence, you might want to change but =P

"My heart which opens once again" *Right* change which to that.

There was only one line that I didn't understand in the poem itself, "I’m calling you silently" Not so much for the content that it was saying, but so much that it just didn't seem to fit (then again I have a thing against adverbs xD)

Resentment and a grudge is what the song seems to be pushing towards. The big question that everyone has to ask themselves once in their lives, can they forgive someone who's stabbed them in the back, and if so, how far will that forgiveness go, and farther more, will they do it again? That's what this song seems to be addressing. I think I'd like to hear an answer to that question. Nevertheless, I don't think in reality, that there is a _true_ answer to that question. Its rhetorical in a sense. (Now I'm rambling about the rhetorical sense of forgiving someone that one is in love with and being blind sighted and how much can ones self take...)

One thing is clear in this song; the reader can see the agony that the narrator has to face.

Kae
2
2
Review of Relapse  Open in new Window.
Review by Jennifer Doran Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Strong hate and regret can be show throughout this piece. Very powerful, but very remorseful. Hates letting the monster back in, but somehow she can't stop herself.

There are a couple of things that could be improved upon.
I wouldn't have capitalized letters as a sign to show yelling, it just seems too rushed, and is simply an aggravation of mine. I'd use an exclamation point instead.
Also, if your going to use some punctuation, try using all punctuation through out the poem. Heh, I'm big on punctuation, it brings out a stronger, clearer image.
Change waves of chills to ‘A wave of chills.’
And instead of using a comma here "You’re right, I do love you." use a semi-colon. It should look like this. *Right*"You’re right; I do love you."
Stef, you know it’s fate.*Right* change it's to its.
And end this sentence with a semi-colon instead of a comma "I did nothing,"

Other than that, awesome poem, awesome writing. You might want to try breaking up long poems into stanzas, see if you like them or not. Keep up the good work. Nice poem, I enjoy reading your writing.

Kae
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review by Jennifer Doran Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, I submitted one of my poems, just a six line one for the heck of it. What did it accomplish for me? Nothing, zip, zero, nada, zilch. Please, I insist that you pick one.

I'm poor, my daddy is rich. How does this help me? It doesn't, not in the least. So, how can I attended a convention without any money? The answer is, I can't.

The compare and contrast to poertry.com and writing.com is like what you said, "They aren't the same thing. They have different goals. Writing.com promotes writers. Poetry.com promotes. . ."

I'm not saying the Poetry.com is a bad site, but it hasn't helped me at all. It hasn't improved my writing, it hasn't given me instructive critism on it. Like I said nothing. Its spammed my mail box saying I've had the chance to win big cash and get publish. Its done the same for my dad's girlfriend, my best friend, and my other best friend. I don't bother anymore. That's my experince.

My advice, if you are set on finding an agent, a publisher, whatever it is that you are looking for, take it slow. Get some of your work published in magizes. Big, small, doesn't matter. As long as you get it out there in the print world. After you have some feed back, (add a bit of a profit from the magazines) go buy a writer's magazine and look up agency. Write a couple of them a cover letters, and Be Careful At Who You Pick.

Also, change "neither to promote or" to "neither to promote nor"

By the way, nice job on not flaming and taking middle stand. Good work.

Kae
4
4
Review by Jennifer Doran Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What I liked
There was strong vivid imagery throught the poem. It seemed to have had a lot of referance to Heaven. And it didn't stray stray through the topic of love either.

A nice consist rythem scheme as well. AABBCC.

Not to mention it had strong similies throught the piece such as, "Exploding like sunlight rising to the east" and "I saw in your beauty, spreading like night."

It was written well.

What I didn't like
I didn't find anything to horrible that I didn't like with this work. The pace was a little slow, but over all it was good.

There was one mistake I did find, or perhaps not a mistake, I don't know. Through out the poem, it has puncutation markings, the second to last line doesn't have any puncutation markings at all.

Over all, it was a great piece of work.

Kae
4 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/insaneness