Its got a bit of flatness to it. Maybe a little more description of on the way home and of the persons room might help... Also, when writing if the number is below 99 always spell it out. Not sure if you knew that just thought I would mention it. All in all its really well thought out.
it tells the story very well, but someparts need rephrasing... i found that i had to re-read some parts `cause it didnt make sence. all-together its pretty good
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