While a very interesting tale. And understanding you had some constraints to the length. I, after reading this, would love to read this story in a more expanded version with more description given the emptying of the nightmares and other contents. And what might happen after that.
Nice story. Well told tale, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
It rhymes but is it what you really want to say. The poem hints at love ignored or taken for granted. It does so ever so gently, yet I feel from the cyclic nature of the rhymes you want to make the imbalance of this heart beat clearer. I do sense some anger.
I'm no expert but I liked it, I only wishing it captured your feelings in a stronger manor. That's just my opinion. I hope this in some way is helpful.
My first thought is that this is very full of romantic overtones. I'm not an expert but I've come to some Ideas as to what make the telling of a thing work, and I offer it hoping it helps you to move your work to that place where you see yourself, better. "Smiling"
Poem Writing or storytelling is the act of creating a communication(s) to capture another's awareness and holding it long enough to transport that conscientiousness to where you want it and allowing it, to just be there.
I still strive for this in my own work and have still to perfect this. As I've said, It a goal of mine and I'm no expert.
You have done a nice job of it here. I like the poem. I hope my personal conclusion offered to you is a helpful and useful one to you in future works.
The metaphors and imagery are good ones. Now let me ask, was the metaphors of the Magpies (Crows) to subtly hint to the reader, "Murder" as in a grouping of crows is called a Murder of Crows? If so, nicely done.
Hopefully the following comment will be helpful and meant only as a suggestion. Throughout the tale, I had the great sense she either didn't understand fully what had transpired but we're given little to see whether she was afraid, nervous, relieved or something else. Especially when see visits upon the body. But, this is just my desire to better see deeper into the tale.
Altogether this is a well written tale which you could in my opinion easily expand into a longer more involved story.
Definitely keep writing.
A well told tale of greed and retribution. In the act of reviewing this I would site one primary troubling point with technique. When the subject of the rocket entered the story. You seem to have desired for us, the reader, to have a suspended experience as to the subject being spoken of, as in,
"Why in the world are they allowed to build that thing?" Betsy Rivers asked.
"Have no idea, Mom," her youngest son, Robert, replied. "It sure is a big one."
This approach had the effect of throwing me out to the story as I had no idea of what was being spoken of. This moment of darkness was small but it was enough for the story to stop in my mind and have me contemplate what just happened, and pause in reading. While suspense or intrigue seemed to be the goal. In my own work I've found that keeping the reader in the information loop is best. The surprise would have been just as intense, had you said something like, "Damn, glancing out the window, how is he still able to build that stupid rocket out there."
This is only my opinion, but I offer it in the hopes, that it in some ways aides your work in some way.
This is very well done. The voice of your character is strong and with clear personality. The feel of the story leads us to feel we are about to follow onto a mystical journey. Very nicely done indeed.
I hope this comment will encourage and support your efforts in writing.
This was a powerful image and message. The love and anguish of the one whom has to retrieve their loved one. If I've got that right, this is a powerful story filled with a painful sadness. The hurt of momentarily not seeing the father where he was left or expect but turning to see him huddled on the ground was a great image. Well done. I liked it.
Nicely done! The magic infused into this story was was amazing. The emotions expressed were clear and vibrant. Lances voice coming from the grave and Julies un-dieing love. Very skillful writing indeed. You have some Jewels through out. Awesome read. Thank you for sharing.
This is an incredibly creative tale with a powerful voice. the character comes a live and the story is very visual. Considering the inspirational photo this is an awesome tale. Spelling is sacrificed for the characters voice and you pushed it well. Nicely done, indeed. You are talented, write on.
Very cool poem. Very visual. I hope you publish it. It is truly worthy. Nicely done, indeed. But while reading I did wonder at the fifth line as to why you chose to make the priest "insolent" over say, patient. I done know but it seemed to me he was speaking form the place of being in Heaven and the warrior being in hell. I hope I not reading into it too far. But I offer it as a comment. Overall I loved it.
Ironworker156 aka Sannara
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ironworker156
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 2:56am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
