Hi,
You should definitely continue this, but before you continue, work on this piece. Is this supposed to be the introductory? If yes, you need more description of Constance. All we know of her is that she has blonde hair. When she walks down, it is probably better to focus on how she feels rather than her hair. Unless you want her to appear as a sexy main character, in which case you need to show her clothes, the way she moves etc.
Also be careful of the logic: if she turns around, the door is not behind her anymore, this kind of things. Because when the reader starts doubting what he reads, it's over.
You have space to develop here: the boss: describe him some more, It took me two read to understand who was sweating. So, try to have a fair balance of "he" and "her boss" and his name etc. or it becomes confusing.
Hi,
This is a good start. I liked the idea of the ocean of keys. Interesting.
At the start, you brush over the "after all he did to herg" well, everyone would want to know "what" he did to her. This is human.
Now, I did not understand why she did not pull out the blindfold herself. You might want to change that. Of else, have her hands tied behind her back.
Also, the corridor / hallway, needs a description of her bumping into a wall then another one... imagine you are blindfolded. Not easy to know what is right or left.
You have talent in finding out some plot, so enjoy it! Not everyone has that.
Dave, this is a great journey!
Take a look at this website, I just had a lecture with this man today, and he would inspire you some more: http://www.mammothhunters.biz/program.html
I am glad we are in contact through writing again,
Kind regards, Isa.
Thank you for sharing this emotional piece with us. It certainly grasps the heart of th reader.
I have a few suggestions and one of them being something "grammatical": Amber's death crushed her because, for all intents and purposes, Trista is now an orphan.
You should keep to the past tense. Not "is" but "was." Of course, she stll is, but it sounds wrong to suddenly have a present tense in a past tense story.
The next comment I would like to share with you is about the content and how you could rethink the piece to make it more understandable by the reader. I do realise that you probably did not write it to have it publicised in any way, but for the sake of writing stories that are "catchy" I will still propose my humble critic.
Please accept my apologies in advance if I hurt you in any way. It is not my intention.
For the reader to feel closer to Amber, in order to show her personality n a way that conveys empathy, I think you could focus on describing her. You "fly over" elements to describe her and that makes her stand out like someone who does not fit the rapid picture you are giving, for example:
Amber was one of those people who gave 110 percent of herself to those she loved,
And yet she had several children, whom she did not raise and had no contact with.
The same goes for the narrator: she loved her, was devastated by the loss, but because of work, did not make it to the funeral.
I think this turns the reader off. It might be better to spend more time describing Amber's life and issues, rather than just sweeping over them. The aim being that it would make the title all the more stronger. When reading the text now, the reader does not feel like 33 years of mber's life could not be contained by a small box.
Once again, I apologise if I hurt you or make you feel bad. I think the story is wonderful and Amber and Trista need a tribute. If you rewrite it, please let me know,
I am sorry I have been away so long. I try everyday to find the strength to write again...
I read your story and I feel for you.
I did not know Jason is depressive, you never told me about his early years health trouble. What a tragic story!
I am glad they are both living indepedently now and closer to you than when they were in Texas,
Sorry I can't suggest much at the moment, but I enjoyed reading your story and I wanted to tell you I miss you,
With love,
Isa.
I have read your entry for #34 and this one also. It is a very nice example for your parenting folder.
Oh! Yes! Talking talking and talking!! How important!
I have so many encounters with parents who think they can't talk to their 2 year-old because he/she is too small... This is unbelievable! I too, have been talking to Leo from day 1... and now, I'm being talked to... endlessly by a bright 5 year old
Well done, Judy, and thank you for sharing your experience,
Isa.
I can only agree with what you say about home visits...
In my parents village, the doctor ONLY does home visits... poor patients! When you are sick, you call the nurse, and then... you wait! If he comes before midnight, you're lucky!
In Prague, I always called the doctor (when my employer paid the infamous 200 dollar bill for the visit!!). Not because I could not take Leo out in the cold and the night, but because I was afraid to take him to the clinic for a bad cough and end up with chicken pox or scarlet fever (as often happens!).
I just noticed something that "might" be a typo... Only a select[ED] few
This was a great read, Dave.
My only "complaint" is that it stops...
I would have loved to read more about the people Jack saw at the mall before spotting "her". You have a great way of describing. I admire your use of vocabulary!!
I wish I could use so many nice words!
Well, this is a poem I can relate to at the moment... Yes! I'll stand my ground, no matter what!!
It rings with energy!
Just one thing I noticed: I’m alive, I’m [hear], probably a typo, unless I do not get it.
I would suggest to have a redundant line at the end with "I'll stand my ground" somehow repeating... But that is just my opinion, and as I told you, I am far from being a specialist!
Thank you for a good energising read!
Kind regards,
Isa.
The Terrace is getting organized! We Will Get Published!! !
But, hey!! What about placing the published articles in there??? We want to read them and the are members/password and Terrace protected, so you are not breaching any contract.
Why place them in your folder? Simply so that we get the idea of what a published article looks like, and who knows, someone else might use one or two of your ideas and pitch it somewhere... You can become an inspiration, Judy!!
Also, we need to see the website address or the infos hw to get in touch with the people who bought your articles. I know this is the scray part, but we are sharing... One for all and all for one! (I loved that phrase as your motto!!!)
With love,
Isa.
The Terrace is getting organized! It is a wonderful year to make it as a writer! !
I read and I read, and I can only give you the highest rating. I don't know if your poem is right as far as counting and anything like form are concerned, but I can relate to what you say!!!
I love the end!!!
Thank you for sharing...
Everything sounds so true, the tears when she leaves... it is such a powerful poem for anyone who has known the web of abuse,
Hello and congratulations on this poem.
It goes right to the point in the needed time to show the rush. The reader cannot avoid the stress contained in the poem.
Well done,
Warm regards,
Isa.
** Image ID #1166100 Unavailable ** Buy raffle tickets to help members get an upgrade!
"Heart of Gold Raffle"
I really liked the singing of your poem.
the only thing that stopped me in my reading was "I pretend I was happy". Somehow, I kept wondering about "was" and I am now sure it is distracting for the reader and takes him away from the rythme of your poem. I would suggest replacing by "am".
I have read your poem and even though I am not a specialist of poetry, I would still like to share my ideas with you.
Personifying (maybe this is a French word... Thunder and Lightning and Sun is a great idea, one that pleases my mind.
May I suggest you rethink the tense you have used. First past and then present, then past again. I wonder if it is not necessary to keep only one tense (present maybe to keep the surprise of Lightning.
Here are some other suggestions, which I hop eyou will find useful.
the quiet atmosphere of the land,
Shaking the land to life, I found that the repetition of "land" weakened the imagery.
Suddenly, Mr Thunder feels tired I would put only "he" instead of "Mr Thunder"
Also, I am not 100% sure, but I think you need a full stop after Mr and Mrs (Mr. and Mrs).
Thank you for sharing this poem,
I enjoyed it,
Warm regards,
Isa.
PS: let me know if you change your item, and I will re-rate it.
{center
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/isa-danton
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 2:56pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Thunder and Lightning and Sun is a great idea, one that pleases my mind.