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Hi Rusty, I am Jeff Darling. I represent a group New Horizons Academy, where I am taking a class in Dynamic Reviewing. I like to review new writers and help them on their way, if I can.
First things first...Wonderful Imagery Wonderful Imagery, Wonderful Imagery. Did I mention the imagery? I will tell you the first thing I see in most poetry on this site, in my college classes, even from my own hand until I learn better, and that is a lot of pretty words trying to describe high emotions or ideals. You took pictures, the kind everyone understands, and laid them out into a cohesive thought of Summer. That is Poetry.
I agree with you that you could be a great writer.
The tone you used was very consistent. You gave the same feeling all the way through.
One thing I look at is my impression. I admit I could see a bit of 14 in there, but your whole mood was happy appreciation. Bravo.
Rhyme can be a nice thing, but it is not necessary, and though you lighted on it a couple of times, it was perfect as a free-form.(no rhyme)
The one place I see you maturing over time is with meter and form and flow.
By putting things in to a form la LA la LA la LA like that in any count, your words will flow better and have more power.
Here is an Emily Dickinson (my favorite poet)
The Lightning is a yellow fork
From Tables in the sky
By Inadvertent fingers dropt
The Awful cutlery
Of mansions never quite disclosed
And never quite concealed
The Apparatus of the dark
To ignorance revealed
See how the lack of rhyme is unnoticed?
It is a flowing piece of work and like her, your words would gain by making of them a smooth meter. Still, you have a magnificent talent, and I show you this to help you make it better, because you have a lot of years to learn and make greatness, and I think you will. Let me know if I can help you again.
Jeff ...BTW - excellent work!
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Hi, my name is Jeff Darling and I am with the New Horizons Academy. I am a student in the Dynamic reviewing class. I am learning to give the best reviews I can. I have chosen your story to review.
My first impression is that it is a good well-paced story. While it is not completely original, it is pretty close in some ways. I like the monologue style in this type of story and you have presented an opening, exposition, body and conclusion.(although I am not admitting anything to do with the .38)
I like the consistency of tone throughout, in that you keep the enforcer's style emotionless and witty.
I feel you covered most of your bases, even though I wonder what the point of Miss Seabrook was. If she moved the story then you should have had some finality, if not throw her out, or even better, throw a wrench in the machinery and have him kill her. You really do need another twist or two, since after the original surprise, it dries up. Just my opinion.
"I had waited for the young boy...I had waited for him.......Just make the second one I waited. Otherwise it is kind of a double neg.
Also you opened the thing up, then gave the protagonist no lines. He could have been a different guy each time. your call, but...
That along with a lack of imagery( he snuck up with his long arms lashing out, then blood on his beard, any little things like that give a better picture of the character, causing whatever emotion you are trying to evoke(anger, fatalism) to be more involving.
All in all it is a good story and you are a promising writer. Just give a few of the standard tools a little workout and you are going to be good. Need anything let me know...Jeff
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Skye;
I am Jeff Darling a member of New Horizons academy in a class on reviewing. I have read your story "Evie Chase" I found it inventive and quite a good tale. You had a good intro and exposition, which set up the story and gave a good idea what would be happening. You are to be congratulated as these showed real talent.
I the telling however I did find more mistakes than would make a good telling, "are mother" "instead of our mother" more than once, Corporate company? Can't glow black(black is the absence of light)
These seem small, but with things like the instant telling of the others they make an uneven and difficult read. Also try to lead up to events"The five Elders met upon Elcross Avenue, as they met, their sacred chant of the Elders began." In this piece, as an example there is no indication of what the elders are, which would be best in shades. The Five Elders had stood at the edge of view, seeming to be still always. The stillness was what unnerved Baryn. If they would just do something. suddenly... If you layer the activity a little, you build suspense and show your reader why their standing there is a problem. You clearly have a lot of talent, but read it aloud both ways and the work it some more and you could have a really good story. Keep Writing...Jeff
Very nice and very clearly from the heart. You have a decent vocabulary, and it looked like you were trying to call it up. I would say you did that 80+% of the time. there were three corners I didn't think you quite made it around. They were certainly not bad, but it was a bump out of rhythm, I guess I would have to say. Your vainest whims 300-fold revere worlds after all. Is your love revering (worshipping) worlds? or are they revering your love? And calling your love vain, even if you are saying" it doesn't matter if you are vain" at best would come off as doing them a big favor. your call, that was how I saw it... anything I can help you with, let me know.
Very nice rendition of fear and of the panic of stress disorder. Your pacing was really good as you kept up the suspense in the declaration of what you felt/ feel. I don't know if this is a real thing or you made it up for the story but it was well done. Maybe just a bit more transition, instead of a jerk out and a jerk back,even though I know it can be that way, maybe one or the other in at least two stages back and forth, I would suggest you try it and see if it feels right. Of course you can just move along to the next story, always your call. nice work though...Jeff ...and keep writing.
Very nice. Your intuition is showing. You have a nice rhythm, then you retreat back to your safe three-step. It has a nice flow, and you break it up gently with the lines of six and eight beats. in the early part you have dare one eleven(trust me, there is magic in nine and power in eleven, try it).
It almost plays its own melody. thank you, and your thoughts went a little back after the daring, you can at least feel his warm tongue slippery against yours or so. enjoy the great talent you have...Jeff
What about allowance for cool range(range at which water is liquid, metal is molten, Hydrogen/ helium become liquid, even the ratios of carbon cooling and silica play in iron/nickel planets). This late in the game,13.7 billion for goodness sake, we can't forget that the only reasonable way to get a sufficient cloud is likely to be at the intersect of at least three supernovas, which is the only way to have enough reasonably heavy elements to get anything like the solar system. You are obviously brilliant.
You have definitely done your homework, now use it to write a story. Step happened in the1st 15 lines. step 2in the next ten or so. Let an intelligence grow and have it adapt as slowly as the planets. get your structure, think through what energy would be at its command, let it create a superhero once there are humans or so....play
You are past needing to know if you can write, you can, now create. Nice job...Jeff
It is an interesting story. I have not read the new waves of young vampire and werewolf books that have been flooding the market, but from what I do know it sounds as though the influences, powers, etc. that these characters have are from this sub genres rules. It is interwoven with love and mystery, but the basis of all is this set of rules. It is a good story, but I think it is necessary to know the rules...
Very original. I think you did a very good job of showing the feeling of helplessness. I would like to know in the poem whether this magical healing is by vampire or werewolf or what. You meter or timing are very good and the flow is very natural to me. I certainly think you need to keep writing. Very good work.
This looks to me like the opening for a great story. It is a classic in SF to have a generational journey. The reason, of course, is the fact that it is the only way it can be done within the limits of light speed, and many very good Anthropologists have felt that education, skills etc. would be lost in part, over generations. This is a wonderful job of starting that story.I would love to see the novel...Jeff Meanwhile, great job as always
You have most certainly got some energy and fast pacing set up here. I think as part of a bigger piece it might set up something very interesting. I like it. In the way you set it up I thought for a while you were building to a surprise ending. It is a very interesting piece. Definitely keep writing. I would like to see a whole story started in this energetic way. I would like you to let me know if you decide to put an ending and middle on it. Thank you
It almost seemed at first that the meter was going to throw the whole thing out of whack, but the story is so nice that it brigs it back around. Meter is something to work on. I think you should remember to stay in touch with the inner person you express so beautifully in this poem. I like it very much...Jeff
Absolutely wonderful. I think that is the best poem I have read in a week. Certainly better than anything I have written. The play of the rhyme and meter are just right. you have much to be happy about. I believe there are a couple of contests going for poems just now, so get in one.thanks.
Definitely offbeat and bizarre. I think Kirk would have broken into a... ten minute... diatribe...about... what it meant...the obelisk.....of Lavender. and Bones should, at least once in every major scene bitch about...Jim, I can't tell you about Lavender, I am a doctor for God's sake... Not a perfumator. And last but not least Spock found nothing illogicalabout an obelisk of Lavender instead of Ebony? All told a rewarding visit to the Starship Enterprise
Firstly, your rhythm and flow are excellent. It is a well-paced experience to read. Your language is easily sufficient, But I would say, if you are portraying an engineer, astronaut, or especially astrophysicist, then you will want to kick the science talk up a good notch or even two. For instance, draw a connection as to how our DNA can be in any kind of sync with someone across the universe. The separation between our galaxy and that one would have taken place 10 billion years ago, 3/4 of the universe's life. So line up a reason why they match. say that the theory that all of us are a result of transpermia or something, but account for it. It is a good story, so you should stay with it. Just remember that you are being one of the ones who know science best. That doesn't mean you have to spout it all, just be laser accurate with what you do. Nice Story...Jeff
Donna;
What a wonderful story. So heartfelt and always the wisdom of the little ones shows us ways to see things that we never would have otherwise. In the same way that the little ones teach us, however, the one advice I would give is to let some of those things show themselves rather than repeat saying them.
For instance, after 3 times said in the second paragraph, to then say twice more how big the tree was, is redundant, in the sense of a little let down , kind of..I got it. instead, read it aloud, and instead of; , true enough it was a big beautiful tree. And it was a much bigger tree than than last year's tree. Or at least I've been told it was,
try this:True enough it was,much bigger, or at least I've been..... Just a couple of places with a little tidying will let the emotion show even better. I hope that helps thank you for a lovely story of hope...Jeff
It is an interesting Allegory. I am not sure where to place the jump from Cain and Abel to a modern robbery, or to give it a relationship with a mysterious She and Gabriel. I assume the unidentified and really unreferenced 'He' would be God. I see the relationship of murder to murder, but assuming the murder of Abel laid the ground for somebody today to kill someone in a robbery would do better for me if there were some connection, metaphorical or not. Maybe I just don't see it, I don't see plenty, I know that, but I am just trying to see a path here. A story follows a path from...to. and when that is done in whispers, it can be pretty cool. I get the style, I think you do a good job with the subtlety, I do think it needed more than just a suggestion, just a path, if that makes sense. otherwise, good work. thanks...Jeff
Seems to be a personal thing. I think you were able to talk through what you had to, but I am afraid I didn't make it there to join you. It was written pretty well.It does seem a little hurried . I think you have a nice rythm, but that is all I could find.
I don't now if it was you or wdc people that wrote the bit about who is qqualified to review. I would ask if you are English? The way some things are worded, and the spelling of draught, which would only be beer usually in America, and draft for an errant breeze inside.
At any rate, I donot ask this question so as to waste w ords. I see speech patterns which would justify a low score. I think not, but it is because you are either affecting or using a pattern from somewhere "not midwest American." I certainly like the story. It is a beautifully portrayed visit to a time each life in some way has, yet seldom would be discussed.Lovely story, embracing the dignity of old men. Thanks
Your spelling is terrible...your writing is divine. I always was lousy at grammar anyway. It takes too much patience, too much time. I don't know what I need that minute for but it is true that I feel like I do. I just did a review where I quantified my greatest loss, maybe I should have saved it. I think you are a good communicator and I want you to write. But learn to be a better speller. I am not one but there are many who feel that if it isn't written correctly, it is not good. There are others yet,more of them really, who can lose what is being said if it isn't right. Those people actually need us to write it more correctly. So, bless you for your words, I hope I see you around here, once in a while...Jeff
I don't think we should rate these kinds of rules. It is however you say it is, that is the starting point. there is no, now maybe it is different.Jeff
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This is a hell of a story. I am really impressed. Good job. I don't see anything I can do to help you, but if you think of anything, let me know, and definitely join the group.The way you wove the girls into the theme of the religious rebellion was masterful. Their ways were well-developed too.
Thanks for a great story...Jeff
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Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!
I like the story. I would like, however, to see you get the rating up to the level you deserve. In the beginning, I see that you are trying to leave things unsaid, assume intelligence in your reader, and reveal the story in stages. Don't. You can do a lot more 'Show don't tell' by telling some. In the beginning you are looking for a way to do this:( I think. I am not in your mind, I have just had this before) try : Teresa sensed a presence she hadknown for a long time, forever maybe. A few seconds later the presence walked through the doorway. He always seemed to turn every head in a room, command with his undeniable presence. Not this time.
Obviously your words are probably between. But you see how it is tighter. Thes people are your story, and we the readers want to get to know them, love them and hate them. Great start. If I can help, or anyone in the group, goto your port. top of page, and you should be able to connect with the group.CSFS
Hope to see you around...j_darling...Jeff
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Tiger;
I have to say I have never seen this type of story, Genre,and first and foremost, this means you have something original. There are a lot of rules that go with that, and they don't go with it for no reason. They are needed. But the thing you have, right now, that many authors would love to have and do not.
A new and original idea. I see where you want to go, so let me offer you three things.
First; Slow Down- get a clear idea what the story is that you want to tell, and tell us .
Second; Tell us who these characters are. They have personalities, fears, strengths.
Third; Give us an intro, tell us the story, give us an ending, where we get to care about who and what these guys are.
Good luck, and if you get stuck, email me...J_darling
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