Is this going to be part of a larger story someday? If not, then I think you should seriously consider it. I crave to know more. I would say the only thing that got in the way was some conjunction issues in the first couple sentences. All in all I hope to get to know your work more very soon. Keep writing!
This is such a wonderful little morsel of an event. It reminds me of the romances that are so quintessential to the black and white films of the forties and fifties.
Although I found the story told to be extremely tragic and moving, and the images were clear in my mind, the one thing I had trouble with was the rhythm of the piece. I could see the rhyme scheme at the end of each line, but there was no consistency in rhythm, which would trip me up from reading over and over and made it hard to see the beautiful images that you were creating. I would actually suggest presenting the poem and straight free verse instead of calling attention to it's rhyme pattern, for it was when I reread the poem ignoring the rhyme altogether that I was able to truly appreciate it.
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