Ok, I now have tears running over my goosebumps! You can't know how precious and timely this is...I just had to fess up to my seven year-old that MOMMY is the doler-outer of the coins in exchange for his pearly whites. God, did that break my heart! And it just happened hours ago, so the wound is fresh, my friend. Fresh, fresh, stinkin' fresh.
Great job on this. You wrote it in such a way that makes is simple to relate to, even if I were to have had a different day today. I also loved the way that you sound like such a dad with "PS2 or Game Cube or whatever", making it really stick with the repeat of that description later in the story. Fun stuff.
Make sure you save a copy of this wonderful tale along with that tooth, for this is one memory that you will want to revisit.
First, let me welcome you to WDC! I hope you enjoy your stay. You will find great support here.
So, now on to the good stuff...I like this poem and the message that you are conveying. I can feel the emotion behind the words, and can easily relate to your story.
I think that you may be able to improve this work by taking the time to proof-read. I have shown you some suggestions in a revised copy of your poem below. You can use any or none of these changes, of course. The nice thing about this website is the (sometimes) helpful comments from other writers, so I hope that you don't mind my input! You may want to re-read it and see if the flow sounds right to you if you DO decide to make any revisions. Good Luck, and Welcome!
---Jacaranda
I've seen the sun go down on distant shores,
leaving a feeling that there's so much more
in life to see and things to do.
Should I settle for less just to make it through?
I've learned to love a summer's breeze,
and heard the wind blow through the trees.
I've taken time to walk alone,
under the moon and setting sun.
Paid attention to the little things,
saw truth in beauty and minor subtleties.
My children's hands, I hold in mine.
The greatest peace was not hard to find.
Want a life simple, filled with peace,
someone to share it with, put me at ease.
My struggles in life to be no more.
To see the sun set on distant shores.
Ashley's teeth were deep in the neck of her prey. The sweet taste of blood was refreshing after waiting so long to feed. You don't have to start a new line here - it breaks up the flow and looks a bit funny when read. (I will give you all of my comments in color, then you can decide if you would like to make any changes, okay?)
This time it really hadn't been a chore to find prey.
Ashley was an attractive girl with long, jet black hair and deep green eyes. She could easily charm any male in to following her somewhere far instead of "somewhere far", how about "in to leaving the crowd" or "to a private place where his screams would not be heard and she could feed in the darkness." do you understand what I am trying to get at here? Maybe I am imagining a bit more detail than just "somewhere far". so that she could feed without being seen. That is exactly what she had done that night.
"Ashley! Where are you?" a distant voice called.
Immediately she dropped her victim and wiped a trickle of blood off of her chin and called out need comma here "Kei, is that you?"
She was incredibly annoyed that someone as weak and worthless as Kei would interrupt her meal.
"Sorry, but I'm not Kei"need punctuation to end the sentence, and you do not have to create a new line for the next sentence
A man stepped out from behind a tree.
"Oh! Jaret, I'm sorry! I was expecting to see Kei again." She blushed a little. "Not that I don't like your sister, but she is very nosy and never leaves me alone! I don't know how much more of her I can take!"
Jaret laughed a little. "My sister can get a little attached and I must agree with you. She is nosy."
"Now what exactly did you come her spelling - should be "here" for anyways?" Ashley was still frustrated with him for interrupting her.
The expression on his face changed from amused to worried. "Some humans found out about the town. And this time, it is much worse than a curious and depressed seventeen year old who will give in to Rasa almost immediately." He still teased her about that night. I am getting a little confused about who is speaking in the above dialogue. Maybe it would help to use paragraphs to mark the beginning of a new character's speech.
Her expresionspelling - expression now matched his. "Exactly how many humans know about it?"
"There are three girls, but I don't know if they have told anyone who will believe them."
Ashley sighed. "Did you manage to catch a name? I might be able to find them but since I am so hungry..."
Jaret understood. "I recognized one of the girls as Carolyn Wilmer. She goes to the high school on the corner of Samrose Drive."
Jaret had been into the city many times. He was very attractive and knew the names of most of the girls. He was very popular at the school and this was definitely helping the situation.
Ashley smiled. "I shall take great pleasure in killing that nosy since you have used the word "nosy" already in the beginning of the story, can you think of a different descriptive word here to make it a bit more interesting? girl."
"Why? You have never thought of killing as a good first choice."
"I have some history with that family. We have an...interesting relationship." She laughed a little, then continued. "When Rasa turned me into a vampire, I fed on Adam Wilmer. He had been my worst enemy and once he had even teased me about being an orphan. His brother already had a son, so I suppose that Carolyn is related to Adams should be Adam's - need to show possession with an apostrophe nephew."
Jaret frowned. "I think you will have to go to the high school, Ash. I can help you hide your aura so that you will fit in and seem like a regular teenager."
"I didn't think it was posible to hide my aura." Ashley thought aloud.
"It is, and I will help you with it. If I don't, I fear that everyone will avoid you and it will be harder to find the girls."
"Alright I have made this mistake myself. "Alright" is not a word - it should be "All right" . Meet me here in an hour and you can show me how. should be a comma here "Ashley said.
"Fine. In one hour." I liked the story a lot, and look forward to reading the next chapter. One suggestion would be to look at a book that shows dialogue between characters. Notice how the punctuation and paragraphing works. Then apply those procedures to your own work. It can be tricky! Keep up the great job, and let me know if you would like any more help.
Ok, goosebumps, and I want to be in love like that again...having children has interrupted that at times. This is really good, and you brought me through it from beginning to end so effortlessly. Love the repeat of "heart, legs, submit" and the way that you altered them a bit. This is a very sensual poem, lots of power.
If this is non-fiction, bravo for getting help, and double-bravo for being brave enough to spill it out there to help others. Your letter was informative, but not condescending. Supportive, but not bossy. Very good.
Only found a few typos, three of them being in this line: "Even if you haven't(,) that possib(i)lity always linger(s)."
This was a very strong piece...I applaud you for your courage.
Jacaranda
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jacaranda
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 9:55am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
