This is a very sweet, light hearted poem. I really enjoyed reading it. In response to your question, I think sticking with the L’s was a good idea, switching to W’s would be a bit confusing. Overall, I think you did an excellent job of conveying the love between two young brothers!
This piece really does a good job of expressing the confusion the writer feels when the other person is near. There are some errors in the writing though. Run on sentences, capitalization errors, and grammar errors make it difficult to read and follow. Perhaps this was intentional, as the piece does address confusion. A good proofreading could go a long way toward making it a well polished piece of writing.
Wow, this really moved me. I feel like I’m living this right now. So many things that I want that just don’t intersect with what I need in life. I have to choose my needs, but leaving the wants behind feels like something very important has been torn from my being. Oh that the two could intersect! Thank you for this, it’s good to not feel so alone in this feeling.
This is a good, entertaining ghost story. I got a good laugh at the end when the children were frightened by what turned out to be something as mundane as old wallpaper! The story does need some proofreading though. There are quite a few errors in sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation.
Learning to say no is one of the hardest things to do. I think we're all people pleasers by nature. It feels good to make other people feel good. Unfortunately, we often do this at our own expense. I wish you the best in your quest to learn how to say no when you need to. We all need to sometimes. Bravo to you for standing strong in your faith!
This is both beautiful and heartbreaking. It's well written, the rhythm and rhyming flow easily. The story it tells is a true tragedy, and honestly, for me, puts the concept of the original Romeo and Juliet to shame. Great job. I hope you continue to write more.
This is such an interesting take on what insanity really means. To be opposite of what the world has become. It really hits home for me. I can see myself speaking words like these to someone close to me. The way you wrote this as a stream of consciousness, with no paragraph breaks demonstrates the desperation of the speaker as they try to reach out. Very impressive, and very effective. Great job.
The rhyming and rhythm of the poem make it exciting, I can sense your enthusiasm for the project. It's interesting how you took a mundane topic and made it into something I can envision and get enthusiastic about just from reading your words. Good job!
This is a well written and interesting read. Your lead character is a walking contradiction - showing himself to be dark and uncaring to those who refuse to see him, but bringing light and love to the life of an old man who can’t see him at all. You make your point well in the beginning of the story, when Josh muses that “No one chooses to think about life and how best to live it.” Maybe this is something we all need to think more about. Everyone could learn something from this statement, and from Josh’s example.
Your poem is one I can relate to all too well. The tension in the performance is palpable. Always pretending can be so exhausting, and can leave you feeling so close to breaking. I sense this in your writing. Still, you go on to pull back from that breaking point, back into the pretend world. You end with the belief that pretending long enough will cause a real and lasting change. Hope from the despair of the earlier verses. The poem leaves the reader curious, even if not hopeful, whether this pretending might indeed be the answer to the hell that plagues so many who suffer from depression and trauma. Five stars for speaking both your pain and your hope, however fleeting it may be, so effectively.
Your use of punctuation leaves something to be desired. However, the feeling expressed in the piece is one of feeling lost and confused, and the misuse of the punctuation adds to this feeling, so perhaps it was intended? I think the piece leaves the reader with an overall sense of loss, which I feel is it’s intent. However it could use some polishing.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jadedlm
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 10:41pm on Nov 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
