Hey CJ, please forgive my absence, I really wanted to review this sooner, but I've been really busy lately.
Also, I'm sorry that you had to wait so long for what will be a rather short review. This poem has a fantastic fairytale quality in its telling which impressed me greatly. The only thing I can outright criticise is the fact that the birds explain the reasoning behind the two warriors' final decision. A personal rule would be to never explain such morals, let people draw their own conclusions. Still have the conversation where they ask why it has happened and maybe even keep in their proposed explanation, but have the other counter with, 'That doesn't sound right at all.'
Congratulations on being elected mayor. I really hope I dong come across as cruel when I say that your poem is rather juvenile. The rhyme scheme is bland; Every line rhymes, whether the final word makes sense or not. I'm sorry, but I have no idea what gained this poem such high reviews.
Though the general opinion of this poemhas probably been made quite clear to you, I am of the opinion that a positive review, as ling as genuine thought is expressed, is rarely unwelcome.
This poem is quite masterful in what it tries to do. It feels natural, and effortless and entirely unforced. The form too, is enchanting and works well, and I intend to utilise its structure myself, providing that doesn't offend you.
Lastly, and most importantly, from time to time I come across a poem that humbles me as a writer, this may well be added to that list.
I've always found dialogue based developments or scenes to be extremely interesting, they quicken instances, making them feel more dynamic or intense. Perhaps this is why I didn't particularly enjoy this piece, it felt far too long, was almost difficult to immerse oneself in.
Also, perhaps I'm slower than your intended audience, but I found this rather difficult to follow, as who was speaking became something of a mystery after only a few lines.
Otherwise, the dialogue is realistic, and while this doesn't seem like too much of a compliment, it is something I often struggle with in my own work.
I'm sorry to say that I didn't particularly enjoy your poem. It is an incredibly common occurrence on this site, I find, that the rhythm of a poem would feel forced and awkward, and I'm afraid that this poem suffers from such an affliction from time to time. The rhythm changes from stanza to stanza, if only slightly, and feels quite jarring, in my opinion, making the flow somewhat difficult.
Also, your rhymes leave a fair bit to the imagination, as many lines such as 'with a click of his heel/ he turned as if on a wheel.' And the rhyme of 'amazement,' with 'silent' is forgivable but feels somewhat week.
I would imagine, and I hope that this doesn't seem unkind or presumptuous on my part, that this was published in a right-wing American newspaper, or one for a school or local community.
Bear in mind these are only my opinions and I do not wish to offend.
Mary,
I once had a poem about the moon, entitled 'Lunacy.' It is a subject I find incredibly romantic and mystical, and therefore was intrigued by your poem before reading it.
I see you are new to WDC, so I am hesitant to criticise, but I am afraid to say that the quality of this poem is rather low. First of all, a spellcheck is most definitely in order, as you have spelled some ether simple words incorrectly, such as 'Beauty,' and 'heavens.' (a tip for remembering beauty, if you've ever seen Bruce Almighty, he regularly spells 'Beautiful' out loud by saying, 'B-E-A-utiful')
The content too, is somewhat lacking, many of the lines seem, to me, to have the potential to be quite poetic, following a SERIOUS spell check. Also, the poem would benefit greatly from punctuation.
Finally, it is simply not long enough to stand alone. There is not enough to it, and in it's one verse there is a lack f genuine feeling. It feels more akin to a thought that halfstruck you, when it could feel incredibly impressive.
Bear in mind that this is but my opinion, and if you have any questions or would lime any advice, I will gladly endeavour to help.
I'm sorry but this poem is shockingly mediocre. Every sentence, every rhyme has been written a hundred thousand times before by people trying their hand at what they believe to be poetry for the very first time. My only recommendation is that youread other poetry and try and learn from that, and understand that this is overly-sacharrine and suited only to a cheap fridge magnet or the status of a child on Facebook.
This is not a particularly good poem, I'm sorry to say.
It is an interesting type of poem in that every second new poet thinks that they have somehow found a new way to list the reasons for which they are unique and wonderful. My favourite thing about these poems is the irony that, though they are intended as being autobiographical pieces, they are so formulaic that the end result almost always feels incredibly impersonal.
Honestly, is there one thing in this poem that genuinely relates to you? Sure, you can argue the merits of hyperbole, which is all well ans good, but when you are using nothing but hyperbole to profess your own brilliance, it lacks any kind of genuine feeling.
I'm sorry to say that I can give you no advice on this poem, as I've never seen this type of poem work before. You could contrast your hyperbolic brilliance with exaggerated flaws but I have seen that a million times over as well and it is just as impersonal and formulaic every time.
All I can suggest for you is that you should maybe try to avoid this kind of poem in future. This particular one is unoriginal and forgettable and shows no example of skill. Read more poetry and find a form that suits you, steer clear of poetry that takes a form that is in anyway similar to this, 'I am (insert boast)... I am... (insert another boast...) as they are not poetic at all. The same goes for any poem where the 'I am,' is replaced with, 'he is,' 'she is,' 'Love is,' 'God is,' or any variation thereof.
You can make all these fantastic claims about yourself but all you're really saying is, 'I am a beginner poet and am yet to notice that this has been done five billion times before. Also, ironically, I'm probably rather unremarkable as a person.'
Now, obviously, this is just my opinion, but I think if you take it on board it will definitely help you.
Thanks anyway,
Your pal(though you might not think it)
Jack.
Hey, this is my final member to member review for July, though I'm quite late:
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I have to admit I'd disagree with the rating that others have given it. To me, what seemed like a promising poem, ended up being something of a disappointment. To tell the truth, it is kind of a childish poem, or a childish concept at least. In fairness, your interpretation of the form is better than most I have seen, but it is still a typical poem, with the same boasts and the same admissions of flaws. The strange thing in these cases is that, though they are described as being autobiographical, the formulaic nature in which they are constructed always gives them a rather impersonal feeling, as far as I'm concerned.
Anyway, thank you for the opportunity,
Your pal,
Jack.
Hey, this is a Rising Stars member to never review. This is the part where I show the image:
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I have to say, I love this poem. Every separate image is so quickly and so perfectly portrayed, and it wonderfully outlines the feeling of a snowy day. There's something distant about the poem, and I think it really gives a fantastic feeling of being an observer on this wintry day. I love the inclusion of linked but separate events, I really do.
One weakness (in my opinion) I will point out, is the repeated use of the term 'small girl', I don't think it comes across as particularly intentional and therefore seems as if your vocabulary is limited, which I personally doubt is the case.
Anyway, I really liked it, thanks for the chance to read it!
Hey, this is one of those Rising Stars reviews,check it out:
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The title of this poem is what caught my eye at first, as it is very poetic and after seeing that and the many high reviews I had high hopes. For the not part, I'm glad to say I wasn't disappointed.
The first line, I felt was a little bit clunky. 'My almond shaped eyes,' just seems a little bit drawn out to me, though that's just my opinion.
Otherwise the poem is quite impressive, and maps well the fear and pain of a child in that situation. However I have to say I found it kind of hard to get as excited about it as the high ratings suggest other readers have. The feelings of fear are told without much subtlety, though they are saved by tier own accuracy. It's very straightforward, but it is exactly how the child might feel.
I hope this doesn't sound too negative, as I did enjoy it overall.
You spend the whole thing pointing out the obvious and yet, somehow, still seem to be making it up as you go along. Also, there ate plenty of obvious spelling and grammatical errors that you need to correct, but they aren't the biggest problem and correcting them won't fix this automatically.
I am a huge fan of Robert Frost and, funnily enough, that poem in particular.
I must admit, I enjoyed your poem, though I expected to be dismissive of it. What I like is that, though I can see how it was inspired by Frost, it is still quote original. In fact, had you not said it in the introduction I probably wouldn't have drawn too many parallels other than the repeating final line(which is possibly my favourite aspect of the Frost poem).
Now, as for the poem without any comparison to Frost, I like it. The imagery is elegant, for the most part, and that won you plenty of points in my book.
Now for the slightly critical part, I would like to offer some suggestions, which you can take or leave if you wish. The first one being the build up to 'so sublime.' So sublime is something I've read a lot in poetry, so much so that it seems kind of cheap when I read it now. I don't usually suggest pines for other poets but I think that, by forsaking assonance and changing 'so' to 'quite' you would make the line come across as far more quaint, in-keeping with the image of the cobbler.
One line that I wasn't too fond of was, 'The left one first and then the right.' it kind of feels like it's only there because you needed something to rhyme with night and it doesn't really add anything to the poem, as it is simply expected that he will cobble both left and right shoes. If I might be so bold as to suggest another line change to, 'Specific love to left and right,' as it both keeps the rhyme and rhythm that you've already features but adds a description of the attention to detail that the cobbler maintains in his work. Again, this is just a suggestion.
All in all, I very much enjoyed this poem. I love Frost, though I've not attempted to emulate him just yet, I have quite recently written a poem that I consider a tribute to Yeats' 'September 1913, just in case you happen to be a fan of that it's called 'Poisoned Words.'
Unfortunately, you believe you have come up with theories that no one has yet out to paper (or at least it seems that way in your writing). These theories are old hat. I have many problems with this, though I won't claim to be an expert on evolution at all, which I will put in the form f questions: As a creationist, do you believe in dinosaurs? How do you explain visible changes in the make-up of animals that we have witnessed(which admittedly isn't strictly evolution as nothing new is produced, but does suggest adaptation to habitat) like galapagos turtles? Have you any idea how long this earth existed before life came to be?
Now, obviously I am not simply here to rate your opinion, but your work too. Though I am not religious, I underhand its importance in many people's lives and consequently have rated poems and pieces that praise god quite highly in the past. Unfortunately, I can't say this will be one of those cases. It's short, which could work were it not for it's entirely unoriginal premise. That's what I want to stress, word for word, I have read variations of this elsewhere written by people who can't understand atheist beliefs. I have a poem or two that highlight my religious beliefs and I get messages about my opinion mixed in with their thoughts on my work, so I want you to understand that I'm not trying to convince you or start a debate, I'm just expressing my thoughts on your work. Your points only really make sense to people who believe as am atheist will not be convinced by a biblical quote. I'm sorry but as far as I'm concerned, asserting that you've proven the existence(note the spelling by the way) of god is a big deal and if you try to back that up with something that is unexciting and unoriginal it's not going to go down well.
Hey, congratulations on becoming a rising star, this is one of those member to memer reviews that come with the gig!
I enjoyed your poem. The 'evil he could be,' concept is something that intrigues me and countless others, and you handle it quite well, for the most part. It's a very interesting concept and lines such as the final one or 'just a vague form of a man,' are wonderful descriptions.
And I'm sorry for this bit, but it's time for the negative bit (don't worry, it'll be brief). There is the odd line that seems a bit long, breaking the rhythm somewhat. Lines like 'everybody knows him to be a good and caring man,' or 'the simple man looks down to the ground,' are just a little bit 'clunky' (for lack of a better word) and could benefit from being revised. Refer to him as 'he' maybe or take out the word 'down' in the latter sentence I mentioned and I think they might flow better and flow a little better.
Anyway, this is just my opinion, and it is definitely a good poem!
Thanks very much,
Your pal,
Jack.
The description of this piece caught my eye and I'm glad it did. I quite like this poem, actually.
I won't lie it's not your ordinary structured poem (though I don't think you want it to be so that's okay) nor does it have much to boast in the sense of poetic imagery and description. What it does boast, though, is raw emotion, one of the most important things in poetry. There is a great deal of sadness and spite in this poem, wonderfully portrayed.
Obviously, I'm very sorry if you're sad but the emotion in this poem is the reason I enjoyed it as much as I did.
Now this is all just my opinion, but I enjoyed it and I'll be checking out your portfolio again soon.
I'm not sure if you get many 'look on the bright side,' messages but if I had to guess(judging by your name- which I like) I'd say you do and so I'm not going to offer you such message at all.
This is a rap. You say it's a poem, fair enough, but it's rhyme scheme is more suited to a rap, in my opinion.
I'm sorry but I didn't particularly enjoy this poem. Every rhyming couplet seemed forced and awkward- 'pieces' and 'thesis' and things like that (while randomly the couplets don't rhyme at all 'fears'/'mirror' (a couplet that I think occured because you're under the impression that 'blind to the reflection standing in my own mirror,' is in some way clever.) I don't mean to be rude but the impression is given here that you wrote a line, then decided to use the first word that rhymed with the last line no matter how clunky or difficult it was.
As far as advice goes I can't really offer you any for this, unless you want to entirely revamp it, changing the rhymes and syntax and meter. If you want to be a poet, I'd recommend reading a lot more poetry and starting from scratch.
My goodness if I ever catch you belittling your own poetry again I'll be very upset :)
Right, you should know that I like playing around with poetry and I love to see things that are a bit different. This is just that and it pulls it off wonderfully. I really adore it. My only - and literally only- problem is the use of the word cranium, which has never seemed very poetic to me but it's up to you really.
I feel somewhat guilty, as I'd love to at least offer you some advice but I find myself unable to do that as this poem is so uniquely yours. It's very confident, which I find causes to reader to take it as finite, as something they hav no say in. Poetry should be unique to the poet and not feel forced and this embodies that wonderfully.
Again, excellent. Thank you. And I promise I am not just saying that as a positive review on one of my pieces has never before stopped me from being honest I'm return.
Thank you for your kind reviews and to answer your question, I'm lucky enough to have received an itouch a Christmas or two ago and it's on that which I write all of my poetry, which leaves me Microsoft word-less for the moment I think.
Judging by the high ratings this poem has earned itself I'm sure you don't need to be told how good it is, but please excuse me as I felt the need.
Reading the summary, I understood that it would be possible that it had gotten the reviews as a result of the upsetting subject matter and, as a result, I made the decision that, if I were to review it I would have to be entirely honest with you, even if I didn't enjoy it at all. I'm so glad I ended up being wrong and that the poem ended up being heartbreakingly excellent.
You wonderfully construct a very personal heartache, not the typical 'everyone feel my pain please' emotion that poets such as mysel would utilise but a very honest unapologetic 'this is my pain, this is how I feel.' I'm not sure if you intended to do this or even if you know what I'm asking about but I thought this poem was made wonderful by how personal it is.
This I very interesting, and is one of the first flash fiction pieces I've ever read. In my opinion it managed to capture all of the positive aspects of the form and I am truly in awe of how you managed to say do much in only three hundred words. Really good stuff.
This poem, in my opinion is far better than previous reviewers have let on. I'm not sure about the title as 'untitled' can come across as pretentious. However the actual content of the piece is really wonderful, thought-provoking and interesting. A really good poem and better than most on this site.
I like this, though I'm not familiar with your 'home-grown' quotes. I'm not sure What the story with them is, but it is a clever line. However, I'm of the opinion that a line must first be clever in context in order to be clever when taken from context. I don't think a quote can really be all that clever if it is just thought up in order to be clever.
I think you should attempt to work it into a piece of writing, personally as it is a good line.
This poem really isn't all that great. Firstly, it's rather awkward and the long lines make it seem almost as if it's from a history book. Another point I will make is that the words at the end of each of the lines in stanza one don't really rhyme. Yes they have a common 'y' ending but that's only excusable once or twice, you can't base an entire stanzas rhyming scheme on it. This is rather amateur, though that is, and I want to emphasize this, only my opinion, please don't take it personally.
This is far better than the other reviewer seemed to think. This is a clever, worthy homage and is extremely amusing the entire way through. A witty, interesting piece that hopefully goes appreciated on this site.hopefully that other reviewer was a one off because this is a tremendously original poem as far as I'm concerned.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jak-n
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 8:18pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
