"I woke up hungover again, and to be honest I don't even
know how" - how what? How I woke? Why such a question?
Can you translate this sentence into English, please: "My wife and I Caroline took Abe, our son to the zoo."?
"My life is as good as can be and if it got better I would just be blessed." - how something that is as good as can be, can get better? Is there better that the best? That's what's you are saying?
I really didn't understand this piece. I have a feeling, I know where lou tried to lead, but the your written words don't spill like my understanding.
"To be appreciative you must resist the nasty act of gluttony." - why? How do you know, or why you decide that there is any connection between two?
"Food doesn't taste that good when you overindulge, it's more enjoyable when you've worked up an appetite." - where you take thus from? Have you any proof for words?
"I've come to the conclusion that it's the simple things in life that keep us happy." - I wouldn't call this the simple thing - to be "simple" at this time of your life, you put into your family years of love. So is it really simple? Maybe cheap, not costing money, but simple?
I like your point in this writing, yet disagree with some sentences (the first and the second). I understand what you meant, but disagree with the words you put the thought into :)
" Then the day finally came with the princess would be born." - This sentence is wrong.
" At the arrival of the princess this kingdom began to flourish" - why do you call birth "arrival"? And please explain whay her birth made the kingdom flourish - it's not self understood and needs explanation.
" The land became a rich and all the people who lived within the kingdom began to see the blessings that have been bestowed upon this land." What is "a rich"? How people saw blessings? In what form they came so that they could be seen?
It is so enjoyable!
Good story line, fantastig fluid language (fluid, as in no place I stumble on words, like running on the surface of the lake without even makig waves) , the gramtics seems perfect (who cares to check deeper, when the story flows under your eyes making interesting vivid pictures in your mind).
Some little points, though:
"only in the city a month and this was the only day he could see it. It turned out unimpressive in Harold’s opinion, he stared at it for a few minutes, it just stared back." - 4 times "it"! It's too much. Maybe here and there change for "snake" "thing" or whatever else?
The beginning of this passage - fells not smooth. Maybe "in the city only for a month".
Very good written. I mean, the language, the syntaxis, puvctuation.
Yet, I feel it is not elaborated enough, not sophisticated as suits Shakespeare.
Why do you call the Weekend Homework an elephant?
What colour of elephant he is? What is his character? Does he push you with his trunk to do you homework? You began by humanization the homework, but did it not deep enough. You can do it better, at least try it - you have all the time in the weekend to try it, see it as your homework from this site :)
However, wouldn't it be nice instead of "we have had a very rough on and off again relationship" to write about this relations more? Like what positive was when the block lived with you (I don't know, maybe you had more time for your thoughts, or more time facebooking or...)
As you write about it, you don't really make a drama. Recollecting how the bloch was a little child who from time to time took your mind in order to play with you, and how he became an adult and demanded more and more your time -- it's like growing children from a child to adult and then, getting them leave. You could tell how you nourished the block - the block doesn't exist on its own. It is nourished by authors.
Allover, the piece is nice, it's simply that I fell you can do better - will you try it?
"Annie and I are bored so we ask if we can borrow the car and drive to the town that is five miles away and hang out with our friends until it gets dark, which will be in about three hours."
I feel that puting this sentence as a new paragraph would improve the reading enjoyment.
Also, the sentence is too long for comfortable reading :)
*I know, it looks like peety remarks, but, as your writing is in such progressed form (in simple English = is good), you don't leave reviewers but such little things to remark on. (Here I show an example of very tediously long sentence :)
"It is a beautiful summer evening and when we arrive at the gravel parking lot across from the tavern, the official party zone, there are already quite a few people there." you try to beatify the sentence with "across from tavern", "the official party zone", but it feels here as forcefully adding data that isn't that relevant.
"We manage to fumble our way into the bathroom before we go to our bedrooms, Brenda and Dennis are sleeping downstairs in the family room" - why the information about Brenda and Dennis bedroom is in the same sentence? Is there any special reason?
False modesty is the severest enemy of everything we do.
If we do (as write, for example) it's because we believe that we can add something.
Otherwise...
Why, if I know that I am a bad writer, I would post?
And if i am bad writer but don't know that, it's oxymoronic expression. I cannot say anything I don't know. So, it's impossible for me to be a bad writer but think I am good. Who told me then that I am bad.
But I really like your question. It's all about our self estimation after all.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jakuper
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 1:45am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
