You have good details and your conversations feel natural.
You need to make each sure each time a new person talks that it is a new paragraph. The conversation going back and forth should look more like a list.
I realize this is a short piece but a bigger problem would make it a little more interesting.
I enjoyed the piece. How many of us want to believe there is a better place than the one we are living in? I could identify with the child. There are a few typos you will want to watch. Otherwise I found the piece very creative.
I liked the way you wrote the story in the perspective of the Giant. It was a good way to look at humans' selfish nature. Sometimes we need to step back to see ourselves. I would liked to see a little more action and maybe show more of the Giant's inner pain as he had leave his home for no reason at all. Otherwise, the story was well structured and gave a unique perspective.
I found your imagery to be powerful. The poem spoke to me and I could feel the anticipation and sense of longing. I especially liked 'the pale half moon hangs over the Rockies' line. I did find the reference to donut and coffee a little contemporary compared to the rest of the poem. Otherwise I really enjoyed the piece and found you followed the pattern of the poem well.
I like how you used the conversation interrupted by actions to move the story forward. I was drawn into the story through the characters' actions.
I think your dialogue would feel more natural if you used more contractions. Most people use contractions in their normal speech. "That's good." would feel more natural than "That is good."
Otherwise, I think your dialogue complimented your story.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jameskl
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 12:44pm on Dec 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
