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Review of Lilies  Open in new Window.
Review by Sukuta Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is only my personal opinion as a fairly new writer. I hope some of my comments are useful.

There is some good writing here and I loved a lot the imagery and similes.

I can relate to the experience of the narrator, my wife nearly died from an infection and I remember watching over her as she lay in a coma, feeling an impending sense of loneliness and loss.

However I felt confused by the elliptical language and sometimes you sacrificed clarity for a beautiful turn of phrase or a simile you were fond of. I feel the writing is too dense and distracts me from what is primarily an emotional piece. I am too busy assimilating the procession of images to feel the pain of the narrator. To me the piece is about the loneliness and despair of a man on the verge of losing his wife. I can't feel this because I'm too busy deciphering the writing.

As an example:

Sometimes I would take her out to a restaurant to have something to eat. Out of the ether thick air of the institution, that hung dense and unyielding. The act of normalcy, like high tea on the banks of the Styx.

Why "something to eat". If you go to a restaurant that is your implied intention.

"Out of the ether thick air of the institution, that hung dense and unyielding. The act of normalcy, like high tea on the banks of the Styx"

Could I suggest something like:

Sometimes I would take her away from the stink of ether that hung in the hospital. The restaurant. felt like taking High Tea on the banks of the Styx.

I feel you have some great insights and observation but they need to be expressed more simply.


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