Why I Chose to Read This/First Impressions
Evil's Fingers sounded like an interesting story name, and the description drew me in. It seemed like something fantastic might happen, and I love such stories.
Overall Plot/Story
Overall, it seemed like an interesting story. I did have some difficulty about 2/3rds of the way through. To be brutally honest, I got a bit bored as the mom was trying to figure out what was going on. So some description of what was going on, and slowly revealing some sort of change in the boy would have been more effective for me than all of the contrived sounding dialogue. I did find myself wondering about different parts of the story, like if the man in the woods could be trusted, or what the ultimate goal of the tree was. So those were very interesting bits of the story.
I found the ending a bit confusing. This tree kidnapped all of the village children, but never mind, it is good and we will call it Heaven's Tree from now on?
My Rating and Why
The basic story idea is interesting, but I think it needs some more tweaking. The main character of the boy is fun, but again, could use some more tweaking. You do seem to be struggling a bit with finding your voice, and I am certain the story will improve after you find it more. Parts of the story and the dialogue seem contrived. So it is a story that seems to have some problems that need ironed out, but also has a lot of promise and potential.
Style/Voice
Overall, this is your biggest challenge, I think. You have good characters, what could be an interesting story, and a nice setting. However, I really struggled with your voice. There are specifics below, but the phrasing you chose often seemed forced, the development of the characters' personalities seemed largely missing, you often told the reader what was happening rather than describing what was happening, and the characters often used wording or dialogue that was completely out of character. There are places where the narration seems a little forced. Like "He tried to sidestep his need for food" "His interest was piqued." The language just does not seem very natural for village folk. Also, much of the story seemed to be told from the boy's perspective, then it switched to the mother. All of that was fine, but then there were moments where you described something that the POV character could not see or know. So you should either switch to an omniscient POV completely (not my preference), or edit out those places where the POV shifts.
Character Development
There really did not seem to be much in the way of character development. The characters did not finish any different than they started, and not much of their personality was revealed throughout the story. If you shifted to more showing than telling, that might help here.
Descriptions/Imagery/Scene
You were off to a good start. I would be interested in hearing a little more about where the farms end and the forest begins, and where all of that is in relation to the village. So that would be good. Overall I had a decent sense for where the story was.
Some Specific Comments
I love the descriptors here, but it did seem a little awkward to me when I first read it. Perhaps because when I hear “that,” I am expecting to already know what it refers to. Also here, you have “we regret to say,” which would then indicate to me that a group is telling this story, and that I will soon find out who “they” are. If not, then I would strike this.
“Consider the greenish mist” Here you are talking directly to the reader, which would indicate that someone is telling this story. So if that is not a part of the voice, you were going for, then I would remove that reference.
“Such a strange occurrence as it is could perhaps be blamed on” The sentence stands alone without these words, so they just make it more cumbersome to read.
So I take it that this is set in a small village in the early industrial age. You mention pollution, which was very prominent in the industrial age, and the fact that this village has not been swept up in the industrial age yet, so seems to hit that it must be early in the industrial age.
“Then, too, there is the unusual amount of disappearances that have been taking place in Blackberry Forest in relation to this tree.” Maybe in proximity to the tree is more what you meant.
“aberration they'd be lost in limbo forever” Comma after aberration.
“But there is a group of people that don't take heed to the warnings and cries of the elder folk: the children. The children of Blackberry Village and the other surrounding communities occasionally find themselves romping through Blackberry Forest. And it just so happens that little Timmy Hutchinson is one of those children.“ This sounds a bit like a fairy tale type of voice now. If that was what you were going for, then great! If not, you may want to consider revising. This may be a great point to cut away from the narration and to show rather than tell.
“It was around midday during an early October period.” Again, I would go for a bit more description. The sun hung high in the sky, any last traces of frost long since gone, but the leaves still glinting with the water that had not yet burned off. A Timmy passed, he waved to the farmers tirelessly loading the last of their harvest onto the tractors as winter crept across the farms, brining dormancy to the farming families. I would probably reword that, but you get the idea of how that is more descriptive than “It was midday in early October.”
“Timmy's recreation for the day” When writing about children, I generally think it Is an excellent idea of the narration is in accordance with the child’s way of thinking. I doubt a young child would think “I wonder what my reaction for the day will be?” They really do not think about anything. So the rabbit popping up, and Timmy chasing after the rabbit, would be more in keeping with the developmental capacities of a young boy.
I do love that Timmy is playful, and chases after rabbits, just as I would expect an errant boy to do when he is unleashed onto the world.
“The little boy chased after the little rabbit for about five minutes time” Did he time himself? Again, this seems a little uncharacteristic of a child. It could be “several minutes,” or perhaps you describe a chase scene until Timmy gets bored with the rabbit and his attention wanders to something else. This would be a great time to show, rather than tell.
“Finally, and quite unexpectedly, little Timmy found himself tumbling feet first into a pit of some kind.” You seem to have a tendency toward more complex sentences. We all, have our thing, mine is complex sentences that use too many commas. You do not need to say finally, as this is not a list, so you could delete that. If you describe Timmy falling into a pit, you do not need to explain that it was unexpected. If he is running along, and then suddenly falls in a pit, the reader will assume it was unexpected.
Also, this may be a good point to consider an active voice, rather than a passive voice. Maybe you could describe the chase in a bit more detail, and just as Timmy thinks he is about to reach the rabbit, his foot does not encounter the resistance of the ground, but air instead, and then help yelps as he pitches forward into a pit.
“Looking down at his leg the boy perceived that he'd sprained his ankle.” A couple of things. The last sentence he is falling down into the pit. Then this next sentence seems to have him sitting at the bottom of the pit “perceiving” his ankle. So a transition would have been good. Also, young children do not perceive, they know things. So maybe change the wording, and again, you may want to considering describing, rather than telling. Timmy cried out in pain and clutched his ankle” is more actively descriptive than “Timmy perceived that he sprained his ankle.”
“despearately” desperately. It can be a good idea, if you have Word or a similar program, to type your story there so that you can use things like Spell-Check. Open Office is a free program, if you do not have Word.
“He wondered what must be going on in the heads of his parents.” Okay, one last comment on the portraying of age through the narration. I am assuming Timmy is a young boy, because he was chasing after a rabbit and did not bother to look where we was going. As a young boy then, he would not think this way. So to me, the narration would be good if it matched that. "Timmy knew that his parents must be worried by now.”
“But then something happened” I really do not like “then suddenly something happened.” Those moments in life are really infrequent, and so they seem contrived when used frequently in narration. You go on to discuss how he sees to figures over the pit. Perhaps he thought he heard them walking up, then dismissed it as his imagination. No, this time he is certain, someone is approaching. Then two figures loom over the pit as he does his best to remain still and hidden. See how this is more exciting and realistic than “Suddenly two people were standing above the pit” ? These are all stylistic thing though, so of course there are many ways to look at it.
Okay, so one last comment on the realism of children. Children tend to react much more than they think.
“immeadiately” immediately. Another typo.
“The man made his way to his cabin and immediately went to a shed where he kept some rope.” Immediately seems to be excess language here. Also, if the story is told from the perspective of the boy, then he would not know where the large man went while he was gone. So that means the POV switched from the boy, to the man.
“and the man lifted him out of his despair.” Despair seems a bit melodramatic. Maybe predicament.
I do care about Timmy, and what is happening to him, so good job on setting up an identifiable character.
“"I see you hurt your ankle. Why don't you come back to my place and I'll bind up your wounds?"” Wounds are usually cuts, so open wounds. SO this does not seem to fit Timmy spraining his ankle. Now it sounds like he has deep lacerations that need bound in bandages.
I found myself wondering if this gentleman had honest or dishonest intentions, so I think you did that really well here.
“Little Timmy Hutchinson said thank you.” Timmy thanked the man for the cider or Timmy said, “Thank you.” I am not sure I would continuiously refer to him as “Little Timmy,” unless that is what people call him. In which case, then I would explain that.
“It didn't take long for Timmy to finish his meal and when he did he thought a midday nap would be best.” Okay, one last comment on the voice of a child. No mischievous little boys think a nap would be a good idea. Sleep overcomes them, and they fight it, but eventually give in. So he might be overcome ny the exhaustion brought on by the lack of sleep, and then he looks around for a place to crash. As such, once he does decide to nap, he is not going to make a careful inspection of the cabin first. So I would suggest maybe he explores, tries to fight off sleep, but eventually gives in and finds a place to rest.
“little Timmy Hutchinson” In real life, would people continuously refer to someone as “little Timmy Hutchinson?”
“Mrs. Hutchinson asked the nanny, Granny Weatherall, when was the last time she'd seen little Timmy Hutchinson and she said that she had seen him early yesterday morning." Again, if the POV is Timmy, then he would not know this.
“As time went on, however, Granny Weatherall (specifically) began to notice odd happenings with little Timmy Hutchinson. She approached Marie Hutchinson one pleasant afternoon and spoke her concern.” Again, maybe you could show this instead, so it is not a sudden realization for the reader.
“Ever since that fateful day he's been associating with the other children of Blackberry Village more and more.” It is a little hard for me to buy that someone would really think of it as a problem that their son or grandson was getting along well with the other children. So maybe you could shift this a bit. Maybe he is more forceful or manipulative with the other children, or something like that. But when was the last time someone said to a child, “Boy kiddo, you just have TOO many friends, and that is a BIG problem. You get along so well with the other kids, and that seems majorly wrong!” Also, what would explain his newfound social skills? If he was not able to make so many friends before, why is he suddenly able to do so now? It is like someone not knowing how to farm, and then suddenly runs a huge farm with effortless ease.
“He questioned Granny Weatherall about what they had to eat for the day and she said chicken. He went into the kitchen and ate his meal.” No offense, but a little boring. If you are trying to convey a passage of time, then showing, rather than telling might be good. And then as you show, you could revela bits of their personality.
“Oh yes, it's very enthralling. I'm at a very critical juncture at the moment.” The dialogue seems contrived. Who talks like that in the comforts of their own bedroom? Particularly, whom from a small rural farming village?
“Theodore turned towards her with his eyes bulging out of their sockets.” Perhaps a bit overdone. This seems like a situation for mild surprise, not eye balls bulging out of sockets. If the drama is piled on frequently, then the reader becomes desensitized to it. So then when you want the big emotional finale, it falls flat because the reader has had overreactions throughout the story.
Rural farming housewives usually don’t “forsook” anything.
"He had struck the thing, but no hurt was done." This sounds exactly like a rural farmer. Liked this!
The Best Part of This Story
A small village, a curious young boy, and an evil tree. What more needs to be said? It is the foundation for a great story. You definitely have a strong imagination and you are very inventive and creative.
Concluding Thoughts
I would love to see you work on your voice, and then I would love to read the story again! You are creative, and I love that! Thank you for sharing your words.
-j.r.
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