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Review of A Lunar Tan  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

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Title: A Lunar Tan
 A Lunar Tan Open in new Window. (13+)
The first Lunar Colony is being built, but delays mean the workers may cook in the sun.
#1497555 by Sticktalker Author IconMail Icon


Author: Sticktalker Author IconMail Icon

Style/Voice: I really liked the "journal" approach here - it is extremely believable and adds a homey kind of feel. You had an awful lot of passive voice here, though, but as it's kind of a journal, it's probably too much of an issue.

Setting: Just enough in each "waiting area" and finally the moon, for us to see everything.

Plot: This journal entry had the "time is running out" threat, which provided solid tension.

Characters: The author - is really chronicling everything.

Uncle Mark - Drives the cat

Just My Personal Opinion!
I'm a fan of reality-based sci-fi, so I quite enjoyed this. Great work!



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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Title: Last Stop - a dialogue
 Last Stop - a dialogue Open in new Window. (13+)
Is it really the last stop? (2011 Pill Hill's Daily Flash Anthology)
#1416154 by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon


Author: Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon

This critique is in the Young Adult Club review format, and includes a detailed line by line. If this is a public review, then the line by line will be emailed to the author separately.

Style/Voice: I really like the use of dialog to let the story unfold. This was like a Twilight Zone episode. I half expected to hear Rod Serling's voice at the end. Well done. You stayed consistent with your character's voices as well.

Referencing: Nothing out of sorts here.

Setting: Well, it's our guess, isn't it? The two have just traveled somewhere by train to the "Last stop". It's awfully hot where they've gone, eh? This bit - "Go to the church... we did that... take a right turn and then follow the narrow street straight to the end." I'm really really trying to figure out the symbolism there. I know there's something. Is there a cemetery at the end of that narrow street? Is that narrow street in the cemetery? Does it have nothing to do with the cemetery? You don't have to tell me, but it's always great to leave the reader with something to talk about.

Plot: A couple have traveled somewhere by train, and now they're supposed to wait in the terrible heat for someone to pick them up. These are not good people. They've stolen from sister Susie, and aren't very repentant. They dropped/left the little kids at Mom's house, while Mom was sleeping in the yard. One of the kids was sick! I read that and thought, oh yeah, not only are they crooks, but their criminality has jumped into there parenting! Once I got to the end, thought, I wondered if they had much choice. So, anyway, all this unfolds as they talk, and then the reader has a good time with some of the sentences and words, leaving little doubt where they are.

Characters: Husband (my guess is these characteristics are of the husband - I had it the other way around, initially) - He's got the directions to where they're going. I actually wonder if that's a symbol for this guy being the worse of the too. He's unworried, and somewhat sociopathic!

Wife - She's worried, and extremely hot, what with her jacket and the steamy locale. She kind of goes along with him, not judging what they've done.

Just My Personal Opinion!
I love these dialog vignettes of yours. They're great fun to watch the story unfold strictly through speech. You've got a flare for these vivid and strange stories, and these flawed characters. This was great.

Grammar: I pointed out a lot of things regarding punctuation in dialog, mostly surrounding the use of ellipsis and em-dash. Careful overusing them, though. There's nothing wrong with a period or comma, even if your first inclination is the ellipsis or dash.



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Review of Missing you  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Title: Missing You
STATIC
Missing you Open in new Window. (13+)
A lonely dialogue with Barb... (Rotten Leaves Magazine)
#1418551 by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon


Author: Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon

This critique is in the Young Adult Club review format, and includes a detailed line by line. If this is a public review, then the line by line will be emailed to the author separately.

Style/Voice: A conversation between a husband and his late wife. Extremely effective use of pure dialog. I'm serious. This was fantastic. It was like listening to a seriously disturbed phone call. John's heartbreak is clear from his tone and his words. Barb is all reassurances.

Referencing: Nothing out of sorts.

Setting: It's all in the dialog. This is interesting, because I think the reader is better off NOT thinking about setting, because once you do, you start to wonder about it. He's in the car. She's dead. He's having this conversation with her, but where is she, and why doesn't she realize what he's about to do?

Plot: Barb has died of cancer, leaving her husband, John, and two or more kids (I imagined two for some reason) alone. He's had a very hard time of it - missing her and all. He's surprised to realize that she's there, waiting for him. He believes he's weak, and that she was strong, although she tries to convince him he's wrong. She brings up God, and he doesn't want to hear it. He is quite skeptical. Then we have the twist... the dark, disturbing twist. In the line by line, I mention what I was thinking at each point, because it changed as the twist unfolded.

Excellent.

Characters: John - grieving widower. Seriously depressed, suicidal, homicidal, feeling weak, and willing to give it all up to see if she's really waiting for him. Seeing as he's surprised she's there, and based on his comments, he really just wants to end it for him and his kids, and it's not about "joining his wife".

Barb - Spirit - she's trying to be encouraging. There are about a bazillion ways to think of her - Is she truly a spirit? If so, is she in a box? because she doesn't know what he's about to do. Is she in him? And does she represent all the hopes he secretly holds or is he just hallucinating?

Just My Personal Opinion!
This is one of those stories... Truly excellent. It's not a good idea to analyze it too deeply, because you start to question the logic of things, and that takes away from the beauty and horror of the story itself. Great twist!



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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Title: The Trouble with Turtles
 The Trouble with Turtles Open in new Window. (13+)
A concise story for the Amazing 55 Word story contest
#1415181 by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon


Author: Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon

Style/Voice: Active voice for the most part - there's a note at the bottom of the line by line, which I'll send you separately. A single adverb - because of the exercise - 55 words on the dot, it gets the point across quite well. Clever writing.

Referencing: The only question I had was about the high voltage wires. Aren't they normally way up in the air and not down on the ground? Otherwise, there'd be a pile of small dead animals. *Smile*

Setting: Excellent work here. Path, pond, fence, nearby high voltage wires and the valley.

Plot: Turtles abound, but Jeremy can't keep one safe and it gets zapped, thus turning the lights out in the valley.

Characters: Turtles - little pests.
Jeremy - irritated by the turtles.

Just My Personal Opinion!
I think you did a great job conveying a small scene through the use of few words.



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Review of Hard Times in NYC  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Title: Hard Times in NYC
 Hard Times in NYC Open in new Window. (13+)
Johnny, Slim and a "sure thing". (Awkward)
#1420849 by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon


Chapter: Chapter Six

Author: Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon

This critique is in the Young Adult Club review format, and includes a detailed line by line. If this is a public review, then the line by line will be emailed to the author separately.

Style/Voice: Terrific use of first person POV, which works so well in the noir style. Speaking of the noir style, Johnny speaks like a real NYC gumshoe. Funny thing is, he isn't one, is he? Some overused words to be careful of - it/there, that, have. And the most infamous of all, was/were. You had loads of those bad boys. They often lead to passive voice, which weakens the writing a bit. I pointed out your adverbs because it's been beaten into me, but really, you didn't have an overlarge number. Perhaps one or two might be dropped. Good mix of sentence lengths to keep the reader moving.

Referencing: Occasionally the characters acted like they were in awe of being in New York City. Mostly, New Yorkers don't get too fussed about it and say "hey man, this is New York City, we don't do that."

Setting: We start in Johnny's... office? apartment? Either way, it's clearly NYC. If you can throw in maybe one sentence describing the room he's in might tell us a little more about him. Next, we're in a dark alley (there's not as many of them in midtown as one might think). I didn't get a huge "sense" of place, but I'm not really sure it's that important in a short story of this length. You might want to include additional senses, however. Alleys are conducive to puddles and bad smells, so as they wait, you might describe a bit of that.

Plot: Johnny's this guy in NYC, down on his luck, owes a pile of money to leg-breaking loanshark Louie (love all them "l"'s). His loser buddy, Slim, has a plan to accost Jessie, a blonde bombshell, on her way to the bank from the store she works at (owns?). Jessie knows them, however, so they throw on lone ranger masks and give it a go. Next thing you know, Jessie goes all Bruce Lee on them, and they're on the backs and she chastises them. In the end, she makes Johnny promise to take her out for dinner, which works for him, because she is quite the dish. (sticking with the lingo, my friend).

This is a quick view of a scam gone wrong, but with some minor benefits for the protagonist. The ending fell a little flat - there were 2-3 paragraphs on what would happen the next day. It might be cool to show those events instead of foretelling them.

Characters: Johnny - down on his luck. I think I'd like to know what, if anything, this guy does for a living. It would add some more depth to him. In fact, any other little bits you can throw in about him would be good. You want the reader to like this guy in some way - he has to be interesting to read, and there isn't too much depth to him, except he's in gambling debt to the wrong folks, but we don't know if he's got any redeeming values.

Slim - Comes across as an idiot, which is just fine. But, he's one dimension. Does he have any redeeming values?

Jessie - honest, working woman, who can defend herself darn well. She's attractive, and doesn't take any "guff".

Just My Personal Opinion!
I'm a big fan of both 1st person and noir and I think you did a great job with the voice. I could see blowing this out into a "long" short story, or a short novella, so we can see the characters develop a bit, and let the scheme play itself out as well. Maybe the scheme can fail as it does in the beginning, and then they go on to the next one, without Jessie being aware, which would complicate things for Johnny, if he wants to keep things going with her. Either way, great writing!



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Review of Choices  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I'm not particularly good at reviewing poetry, but this poem resonated with me for some reason. Having lost my father a few years ago--I still have my mother--it makes me look at my wife and children in a new way. "The Other Side" touched me and would touch anyone who never got to say goodbye to a loved one.

Write on!
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Review of Stonebreaker  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Check1* You've got a great opening. It hooked me immediately.

*Check2* I was lost (good lost) in your descriptions of everyone. Except for Jennie, everyone is described in such a colorful and unreal manner. (I mean that as a complement).

*Check3* Grammar/structure comments:

“I missed you, too,” She lies. Her lies are as soft and as smooth as her skin, and they even glow the same way.

You mention lies twice. I'd do something like this:

"I missed you, too", she says. Her lies are as soft ...

*Check4* Grammar/structure - this one section was a little confusing to read. Suggestions below:

We get to the elevator, weand all climb in. A Llovely, musty smell fills the small room. The red-haired trainee stops, and in a sweet voice says, so sweetly, “Oh, it’s just too crowded, I’ll just grab the next one.,” Sshe makes a sad face., “You guys know how I am with tight spaces.”

Write on!
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Check1* You described the legend of the Dark Knight very effectively. You also described the Princess Katherine very well. It might have been interesting to augment her a bit by having her resist her father's insistence of having bodyguards.

*Check2* I became immersed in the period, and thought of Arthur and his knights of the round table. All this through the brief descriptions alone. Great job!

*Check3* I had some difficulty with this sentence:

He was described differently by everyone who claimed to have seen him, but all agreed that he was clad totally in black armor, carried a wickedly sharp sword, and rode a huge dark stallion with fiery eyes and obsidian hooves.

It was a bit complex, layered with passive and active voice, as well as adverbs. I don't take issue with adverbs, by the way, but everything in moderation...

*Check4* I enjoyed the ending, and chuckled at the image of the bodyguards gibbering and crying.

Write on!
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Check1* I enjoyed this quite a bit, and could identify with much of it, save for the grandchildren - my own kids aren't grown yet.

*Check2* There were a bunch of missing commas (a weakness in my writing as well) - here are a few in bold:

It's a hobby gone horribly wrong due to a real job getting in the way; which, by the way, wouldn’t be necessary if I didn’t like to eat.

I've often said, "someday I shall speak and...

...than a summer tan, and we will...

I’m still trying to find myself at least that is what I keep telling the voices from within...

--> This is a tough one - you could go with a comma after "myself", or maybe it's a semicolon? Heck, it's probably time for Strunk & White to be the arbiter on that one...

And a spelling...

I prefer to plead the ladder <-- latter

*Check3* I really liked these two entries:

Any chance you hear the thumping? Please don’t confuse it with your own, and make sure the washer and dryer are off.

Very droll!

And this

I must also confess that English was not my major, thus; my concepts of speech may often be off-kilter and sometimes offensively impaired; that's where you the viewer prove most worthy; and I, your most humblest of inksters reap the rewards.

Hear, hear! Me too!

Write on!
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Review of Plane  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Check1* James was quite a boring fellow and Robert was not. There was no tension in the telling of James' story. The opening paragraph of James' morning reads like a shopping list of the things he did. The tension is immediate in the opening paragraph of Robert's morning, however.

*Check2* I see the dichotomy between these two, because I happen to be in the software industry but am also a fiction writer. (Jekyll & Hyde)

*Check3* There is nothing inherently unlikeable about James, but there is nothing to like either. He is just not a striking character. Robert, however, is more of a compelling character. There are pieces of him I like and dislike. In other words, I actually have stronger feelings about him. This is a guy you can write a story about. James is not.

*Check4* And now the rambling grammar & spelling nits ....
************
James was flying out of Boston, as he was living in the area, over to California to visit relatives on his father's side.

--> This might be a little more concise as:
James was flying from his hometown of Boston to California to visit relatives on his father's side.
*************
Like every morning, James started the coffee machine in the small kitchen of his small apartment and took a fast shower while the coffee machine did its part to wake him up, both by the caffein and by the smell that drifted into the bathroom from the kitchen.
--> Spelling on caffeine
--> You might want to mix up the "small" adjectives a bit - tiny kitchen of his small apartment.
***************
Out on the street that his building was on, James flagged down a cab and climbed inside.
-->I think you can safely drop the bolded part
***************
The driver merely nodded and pulled back into traffic, back into the racing circuit that so many drivers think that they are on.
--> the tense of the bolded verbs don't agree. The comment about the drivers is also a judgmental aside, and I wasn't sure whose opinion it was - James'?
*******************
As his department recieved a relatively small amount of funding, this seemed like a good book to read.
--> Spelling on received
********************
As he waited for the water to heat up, he sorted through yesterdays mail.
-->Yesterday's needs the apostrophe
********************
looking at the return adress.
-->Spelling on address
********************
the the people-I-want-to-hear-from pile
-->An extra the?
********************
The only people who didn’t want that to happen, besides himself, was his editors at the local paper.
--> was should be were - people were
*********************
He left quickly, and managed to get out the door by quarter past seven. started walking in the direction of the airport, realized he wouldn’t have time, and flagged down a cab.
-->Missing a new sentence start? Perhaps "He started walking"

*Check1* Overall, an interesting take on two very different people's travel morning.

Write on!
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Check1* Brilliant. Heart wrenching. I know how my kids felt, at the age of four, to lose something that was dear to them. What keeps this from descending into utter sadness is the good that comes from the donated pink pig.

*Check2* It is truly amazing to me how children cope (When we lost our dog) and how they do it, each in their own way. You convey that very well.

*Check4* One nit on the opening sentence - It was a bit long and complex. "Hurricane Katrina" was the saving grace that grabbed me, but it may be more accessible to the reader if it were broken up a bit.

*Check3* You also convey how children, even as young as four, see everything. It reminded me of my own children and what they saw and heard on 9/11.

Write on!!!
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Review of The Lost Child  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Check1* I was very moved by the story, and your writing style. You drew me in to how you felt, and how you believed Michelle felt.

*Check2* You had an excellent mix of showing versus telling here. You did tell about what happened, but in telling, you made it apparent how everyone felt.

*Check3* The absolute only things I found were nits:
"Cut by her mother, cut be her and cut by me." <-- "cut by her"

and

"...and with out the influence..." <-- I think without is one word.

*Check4* The last paragraph was particularly heart-wrenching. Those always get me.

Write on!!!
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Review of Underworld  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Check1* This was extremely clever. I had to go back and read it again to pick up on the clues I had not originally noticed, such as: I had to make myself very small to pass through.

*Check2* Rhet's POV worked for me. I was startled when he pointed to his wife, the rat. Once I understood, everything fell into place quite nicely.

*Check3* There was a decent tension level, until it became apparent that the "genocide" was human business as usual.

*Check4* The ending made me smile.

Keep writing!
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Check1* This made me smile indeed! Only a child who conjures the troll could then decide that she could leave the troll behind.

*Check2* It struck me that Sterling is a kind of metaphor for growing up and leaving childhood things behind.

*Check3* The epilogue was an especially nice touch.

Keep writing!
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I have not ready any of the previous chapters so my comments are strictly based on how this chapter reads. Please feel free to ignore my comments if they make no sense in the overall context of your novel.

*Check1* The opening paragraph grabbed my attention, which made the rest of the chapter more accessible given that I had not read anything before.

*Check2* I liked the first person POV. It felt like I was reading Jonathan Harker's letters to Lucy from Dracula.

*Check3* There are a number of grammatical problems here. I'm not sure if any of this stems from the first person POV & informal style. There were some fragments and some run-on sentences. Also, there were some minor editing issues. Here are a couple of examples:

rather then fainted <-- should be than

the blankets we so luxurious <-- should be were

far to expensive <-- should be too

*Check4* When the protagonist gets out of bed, she describes much of the room in detail, but then points out that it is dark because there are no windows and doors. How does she see such detail? Are there lights or candles?

*Check5* This chapter was very engaging and given how it ended, I want to read more.

Keep writing!
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Check1* The very first sentence - "Midnight." - got me immediately interested and gave me a sense of time. Strange things happen at midnight!

*Check2* There are some minor editing problems --
"staying to the shadows" seemed a bit awkward, maybe "in the shadows"?

"If he had not know Karn he would" <-- "known"

There's also a sentence where the first word is Karn, but the K is lower case.

*Check3* This comment is based on constructive advice I've been given a number of times over the use of "seemed to", so please feel free to ignore if you disagree!
"something seemed to catch his eye"

The question I've been asked is how does something "seem to" happen. It does or it doesn't happen, unless, from the narrator's POV at that point in the story, it is not clear if it happens. The story's POV is 3rd person, omniscient at this point, so the narrator knows if something caught his eye or didn't.

*Check4* My sense of "place" was thrown off a few times. For example, Treius is in Karn's house, and then walks toward the stable behind the house. I needed to see him walk out a door or climb out a window somewhere.

*Check5* Overall, this first chapter seriously piqued my interest (a good thing!) and I would like to keep reading to find out more about these two characters as well as Brand and Mordecai.

Keep writing!
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Review of The Harmonica  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Check1* As I read, I thought of Christine or From a Buick 8, by Stephen King. The "inanimate object" just waiting for the next person to come along. This just shows that evil things can come in small packages!

*Check2* I noticed a couple of minor editing things:
"The harmonica sat silent amidst the leaves that cover the floor of the forest."
-->Past tense? covered

And

"If there was a new toy, Junos always get to play with it first."
-->I think it would be "...Junos always got to play..."

*Check3* I liked the idea of the harmonica playing in the background as Tarlek hit his brother. I saw and heard "Silence of the Lambs" when Lecter took out one of the guards.

*Check4* Along the lines of sound, I was listening for the "crunch" of the harmonica hitting his brother's head. It might add to the "horrify" factor.

*Check5* When I first read the line about the blood seeping into the harmonica's holes, I just thought it was a very cool line. As I read on, I realized the significance of it. Bravo!

Keep writing!
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Review of Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Check1* When I first saw "I'm a bit confused" and kept reading, I didn't see how it fit in with the story. By the end, though, it all made sense to me.

*Check2* Very interesting and ambitious vignette, with multiple POV's. This can be tough, especially in a short story. Well done!

*Check3* There were times when all the sentences seemed very long. You might want to mix them up a little. Example:

Lance had his knuckle’s firmly imprinted into the side of his cheek when the telephone beeped into life causing him to flick his head upright and bite the edge of his tongue.

You could break that into something like:
Lance had his knuckle’s firmly imprinted into the side of his cheek when the telephone beeped into life. This caused him to flick his head upright and bite the edge of his tongue.

*Check4* It would be easier to read if the spacing between paragraphs were more consistent.

*Check5* There were some sentences that read like pure poetry. Great stuff.

*Check1* I really picked up on the mood of the piece. It had something of a noir feel to it.

Overall, a very interesting read. Keep writing!!!!
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Check1* How did I feel? You totally got me and I didn't see it coming! Cool.

*Check2* In any of the fantasy/sci fi stories I've written, I always think, "What is reality?" then "What if I woke up and it wasn't?" Jaren described as much when he explained how he came up with ideas. So, I felt a sort of kinship with him... until he sprouted feathers and flew away. *Wink*

*Check3* One minor nit... Some of the dialog and some of Jaren's thoughts struck me as a little too sweet. Example: "No wonder they call you the greatest fantasy writer of all time!"

Having said that, "... time to fly ..." and then she did. Very clever.

*Check4* I especially liked the parallel dimension aspect here. Both characters have semi-ordinary jobs, but how they go about them, and how the commute to them is entirely different than we expect.

*Check1* You described the "real" world in this story quite vividly and I think it worked really well. You countered that with their "fantasy" world which simply illustrates how our lives pale in comparison to lives with dragons, unicorns & pixies. *Worry*

Write on!!!!! *Smile*
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Check1* Scott and Simon seem like very interesting guys with some history there. I look forward to reading more.

*Check2* There are a number of grammar & spelling errors, some of which detracted from reading the story. However, some basic editing should do the trick.

*Check3* The description of, what I assumed to be an apartment or hotel room, was a little light. Some more detail about the room and its surroundings would help paint a picture.

*Check4* I think the characterizations are the best part so far. I hope you keep building on that.

Keep writing!
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Check1* Another twist! Morgan is their father and now they are all shifters. I also like the additional detail on Morgan's sex. Attie strikes me as someone who would want to know.

*Check2* Now that we know Morgan is Paul & Ragnar's father, well... the names!!! I'll say no more.

*Check3* What is the story with Stuart? He reminds me of the expendable crew member on Star Trek. We know very little about him, and he doesn't seem to be adding too much yet.

*Check4* We now have explicit evidence that Attie is smart and quite devious by her actions in this chapter. Cool. I also liked the fight transition as well. Finally, a fight!

Again, this is a great stuff. I sense it building...

Thanks!
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Check1* This story had one of those great Sixth Sense twists that left me very spooked. That she could not see her parents did not surprise me with all the people around, so it did not make me immediately think that things were not as they seemed.

*Check2* I know you needed to tie in Emily's grandfather to the old man after she was rescued. However, the opening line about how she loved hearing her grandfather's stories did not make much sense since that was your only mention of him before she died. Perhaps you could mention that he was sitting on a bench taking a nap while she went into the lake, or at least that he had some physical presence on the day she died.

*Check3* In terms of setting, I know this is a nit, but would the lake be in front of the house or behind the house?

*Check4* I particularly liked how you very quickly transitioned from present day to future day. It did not give me much time to think Hey wait, what's with the divers? I thought only the father was there.

Overall, a good read. Keep writing! {

*Smile* *Smile*
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Review of Milk  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Check1* This seemed like a mix of film noir with some basic horror elements. There was a definite feeling of creepiness and many of the names fit well within the story.

*Check2* It really did feel like they were alone in the police station and when you said that this was not far from the truth, I wondered if the sense of foreboding I felt would be rewarded... and it was.

*Check3* Having said that, the introduction of Katie was a bit abrupt and it made the ending seem a little too sudden.

All in all, an enjoyable read! Keep writing!.
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Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Check1* I was very impressed with how you managed the scene early in the chapter with all the crew. I imagine this can be very tricky.

*Check2* I liked the dialog going on amongst the crew. Many of them had the salty language and accent of sailors and/or pirates out of a Robert Louis Stevenson novel.

*Check3* Nice plot twist! Ragnar is a shifter and he's Paul's brother! (Like I said, though, gotta change Paul's name. How'd his brother get to be Ragnar and he's stuck with Paul?)

*Check4* I liked this device:
"Athenais knew. She’d made him do it."
but I didn't appreciate it as much the second time:
"Athenais knew. She had seen it, back when the little brat had been working for the Utopia. "

*Check5* I am assuming that because Dallas was drunk that Smallfoot doesn't believe her now. But... something about Paul having 1 finger - will he change his mind and believe her when he sees Paul? Or did he already know that Paul had a finger.

*check6* You do a wonderful job of showing rather than telling. We know that why shifter's shift because Ragnar told Attie when she asked/told him to shift.

Can't wait to read chapter 3! *Delight*
25
25
Review by Jay is studying Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Check1* I was intrigued by this opening chapter. When it was over I still wanted to know so many things. What’s the deal with her father? What happened to the two friends that Paul, Morgan and Stuart lost? How did they find out about her? What’s the deal with the Millenium Potion? I’m also looking forward to finding out about Athenais' apparently long sordid history. I’m also want to see Rabbit.

*Check2* I was reminded of a quieter, seedier space bar than the one in Star Wars, and Athenais as Han Solo, but with bigger problems. It is very obvious that this is a rough place. It felt dangerous - always on the verge of something nasty breaking out. Having said that, there was a lot of “telling” about how rough it was, so it might have been interesting to “see” a fight break out, even if only for a moment.

*Check3* I loved the bartender and the owner’s names – “Giggles” and “Rabbit”. I’m waiting for Giggles to go nuts and I envision Rabbit as a little hyperactive guy (I haven’t read the next chapter yet, so I'm probably be wrong). Athenais’ nickname of Attie kind of “humanized” her as well. The bit about how she stopped every psychologist from telling her what was wrong with her because she didn’t want to ruin the surprise – I thought that was so cool.

*Check4* With all the creativeness, I was put off by the names Paul, Morgan, and Stuart. Perhaps it is because they are Colonists (or so we think) that their names should stand apart. Also, Stuart got lost to me in this chapter.

I'm moving on to the next chapter...

Keep writing and I’ll keep reading! *Reading*
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