Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Short Story Works Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.
First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.
General Impressions: This is a really terrific story but it does need a considerable amount of additional editing.
Characters: You have done a good job of revealing your characters through their conversations and the actions and thoughts.
Dialog: Dialog seem natural under the circumstances.
Format: When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, looking for the sort of things listed below.
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ friends whom did not want to be together. '
Suggest: friends whom did not want them to be together.
In this phrase, ‘ helplessness that flicker across the boys face '
Suggest: helplessness that flicker across the boy's face
In this phrase, ‘ dreaming I an Alayla, but knowing I couldn’t ever have a life like that, a fairy tale life.'
Suggest: dreaming I am Alayla, but knowing I couldn’t ever have a life like that, a fairy-tale life.
In this phrase, ‘ “Lets go” Tom whispered '
Suggest: “Let's go” Tom whispered
In this phrase, ‘ I hate that thing” She protested. '
Suggest: I hate that thing,” she protested.
In this phrase, ‘ you look very smart” Tom swung a leg '
Suggest: you look very smart.” Tom swung a leg
In this phrase, ‘ pressed her face into Toms back '
Suggest: pressed her face into Tom's back
In this phrase, ‘ “Hay…” I stopped in mid sentence, '
Suggest: “Hey…” I stopped in mid-sentence,
In this phrase, ‘ “Oh my I am so sorry” I whispered, '
Suggest: “Oh my, I am so sorry,” I whispered,
In this phrase, ‘ and I road in the back. '
Suggest: and I rode in the back.
In this phrase, ‘ who I and every body else were, '
Suggest: who I and everybody else were,
In this phrase, ‘ They hospital did some sort of scan '
Suggest: The hospital did some sort of scan
In this phrase, ‘ turned that corner that lead to this. '
Suggest: turned that corner that led to this.
These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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