Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.
First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.
General Impressions: This is an interesting scenario. However, it really doesn't contain a resolution to the conflict set up, Holly adjusting to "life on the farm".
Characters: You've done a good job of personifying Holly as a sort of "spoiled brat" who has to adjust to stricter conditions.
Dialog: Dialog is realistic.
Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.
Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ moved here to this middle of no where,'
Suggest: moved here to this middle of nowhere,
In this phrase, ‘ you like me to take your bags miss," '
Suggest: you like me to take your bags, miss,"
In this phrase, ‘ Small, low life people like him'
Suggest: Small, low-life people like him
In this phrase, ‘ "Yes Ma'am." The cab driver '
Suggest: "Yes, Ma'am." The cab driver
In this sentence, ‘ They're to expensive. '
Suggest: They're too expensive.
In this phrase, ‘ was an old, beat down, truck.'
Suggest: was an old, beat-down truck.
In this phrase, ‘ I climbed into the drivers seat '
Suggest: I climbed into the driver's seat
In this sentence, ‘ Something I never did in the cuty'
Suggest: Something I never did in the city.
In this phrase, ‘ grocery store and found a spot to part.'
Suggest: grocery store and found a spot to park.
In this phrase, ‘ his hand and i took it willingly,'
Suggest: his hand and I took it willingly,
In this phrase, ‘ I'm really dorry about that.'
Suggest: I'm really sorry about that.
In this phrase, ‘ Your moms been really excited'
Suggest: Your mom's been really excited
In this phrase, ‘ help her alot during the summer.'
Suggest: help her a lot during the summer.
In this phrase, ‘ end a farm that big by themselves.'
Suggest: end a farm that big by herself.
In this phrase, ‘ see you again soon Holly.'
Suggest: see you again soon, Holly.
These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!
** Image ID #1518002 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1541185 Unavailable ** |
|