I like this poem as well. I would like to make some punctuation corrections though and one grammar correction, if that's okay:
You broke my heart tonight...
I thought you should know,
not that you care anyway. It's just a day like any other.
Empty promises and
Meaningless apologies are
all I get these days.
My spirit is broken and you
are to blame.
But you have broken my heart
for the last time.
No more tears for you.
No more wasted years.
No more holding my head down
in shame...
I will triumph over you
and be the woman I was
meant to be,
Strong and beautiful,
and you will be a thing
of the past,
Forgotten and alone.
And I'll smile once again.
You are very good at writing down your thoughts and I will gladly come back and read more of your poetry. Keep writing!
Very good. However the last three lines would make more sense to me if they were written:
"Someday", I tell myself,
"I will break free
Of me."
adding the quotation marks and the comma make the lines a complete thought. It's just my opinion though and poetry really lies in the eyes of the author. Keep writing though, and I'll keep reading!
Rhyming is wonderful, rhythm is off, but overall it is a beautiful poem. I lost my grandmother in the spring of 2003 and I didn't get to say goodbye to her before she went... and she did pass away alone, in another state, so I understand the feeling of this poem. Wonderful. Keep writing!
Very good. It's nice to know that He is there whatching over you, when noone else seems to care, isn't it? I only have one question. Why did you put the word "Air" at the beginnig of the last line in the third stanza instead of finishing the line above it making a complete thought? It does break the sentence a little, but I do suppose it keeps it inline with the rest of the poem. Oh well, I do like it anyways. Keep writing!
1) Make sure you capitalize the words referring to God; "the Fathers" and "His".
2) "Awoken" should be "awoke".
3) Make sure to punctuaute, if possible. It makes it hard for the reader sometimes when they don't know where one sentence ends and thenext one begins.
Overall, I like this poem because I know what was like when I had turned away from God and I know what it is like to have God in my life. This poem depicts some of the very same feeling that I have had in the past. Oh, by the way. DON'T EVER let anyone tell you that you can't write. Writing takes time and practice. I'm still not that great, but I write for fun, for God, and sometimes to relieve stress. Keep writing!
-Mac
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jboy677
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 7:20am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
