For how short this story is, you manage to create a sense of atmosphere, terror and dread that's only smashed in further by the hammerblow ending. Very well done. As a horror story, this plot works perfectly, and is definitely the strong suit of the entire piece. I did, however, notice some problems as I was going through which could use some fixing, but the overall quality of the story means I only knocked off one star.
Here we go, in the rough order in which I spotted them:
Tony was my boyfriend we’d been dating for a little over six months, we met at my job, I was a barista, or as Tony likes to call me a caffeine pusher. (Punctuation is all over the place here. Consider this versus: "Tony was my boyfriend. We'd been dating for a little over six months. We met at my job; I was a barista, or as Tony likes to call me, a caffeine pusher.")
Then the rope began to jerk, wildly around, (This is where you don't need any punctuation beyond a period or comma at the end. "Then the rope began to jerk wildly around." Don't separate adjectives from verbs in situations like these.)
I ran over and put my rebreather, and goggles on took a deep breath grabbed Tony’s rope, then I went over the side. (At the risk of sounding like a broken record... "I ran over, and put my rebreather and goggles on, took a deep breath, grabbed Tony's rope, and then I went over the side." Separate out individual actions with commas as if you're reading off a checklist. If this doesn't make it seem urgent enough, add description to the beginning. "My heart began to race as I hurriedly ran over, snatched up and put on my rebreather and goggles, took a deep breath, grabbed Tony's rope, and then I went over the side as fast as I could.")
It seemed to know I was there it detached from Tony’s neck, and looked at me with cold black eyes; (Proper use of a semicolon. Great job. Many writers have no idea how to do that. You missed a period, though, making this disjointed. "It seemed to know I was there. It detached...")
I swam to Tony but I could see blood pouring out of the wound in his neck, (At this point you've established that Tony is a foot in front of her, so the word "swim" implies that he's still a bit of a distance away. "I pushed myself in closer to Tony" perhaps?)
He was clutching something in his hand; I forced his fingers open and took it (While I realize that this is important to the ending, she sees the creature swimming at her, yet her first thought is to take what's in Tony's hand? Let alone the fact that even under stress she perceives that at all. It even gets her grappled a moment later because she was presumably busy prying his hand open to get it. Perhaps instead it should fall out of Tony's hand and she should reflexively grab it - and perhaps before she actually realizes the creature is a creature. Bonus points if she only realizes the creature is a living thing at close range when it grins at her and suddenly grabs her. That would be even scarier.)
I screamed, my rebreather fell out of my mouth and water filled my lungs. (It's an understandable reaction to scream, even underwater. However, inhaling water generally doesn't happen until you fall unconcious. If you inhale and are still conscious, you're going to cough, and even if you can't, your throat will close off to keep from flooding your lungs. Perhaps water filled her mouth instead?)
As I broke the surface the fish managed to wrap around my stomach and pull me back down, its body crushed me forcing me to expel what air I had managed to ingest. (Good sentence, but we could perhaps use more detail on the breaking of the surface for effect. When she breaks the surface, what does it feel like to finally get a gasp of air only for it to be choked off? I'd restructure this into two sentences.)
As it held me there we were face to face its tongue darted out of its mouth and I could see the teeth on it before it licked me cutting my cheek open. I could feel my body losing strength everything was becoming cloudy. No I couldn’t let this be the way it ended, (Punctuation again, I hate to say it. This is basically three run on sentences back to back. You need commas here, even with how urgent the situation is. Your prose itself is very good, though, and properly connotates the desperation of the struggle, so I wouldn't worry about lack of urgency.)
I swear I heard it scream. (This was a great moment, but I put this here because I was left wondering what a scream by an aquatic creature would sound like. It certainly wouldn't sound like a human scream. It might be interesting if you could come up with a descriptive manner for it to scream underwater. Perhaps a loud, watery rumble, or a distorted, piercing wail. The unusual frightens us.)
I laid on the boat, until I was able to breathe normal again. (Normally again.)
Phew. Well, lots of little things, lots of punctuation issues, and a few points at which I think you could expand. Altogether, not a bad haul at all. With some minor proofreading this story could be utterly excellent. There's plenty of potential here. Give it a read through and some rewriting and I'll gladly re-rate for five stars or provide suggestions if you or I missed anything.
You do, by the by, seem to have an issue with comma and period placement. This is a very common problem with writers, so don't feel bad. Puncutation ain't easy to figure out, and you obviously should write the story first and worry about it later. Still, it's something you do have to pay attention to in editing. Aside from reading the published novels that are out there to see how they do it, the best advice I've ever heard for dealing with punctuation issues is to go back and read through the story aloud at a normal place. Wherever you find a comma, pause for one second. Whenever you find a period, pause for three. If it sounds like you're babbling on or chopping your sentences into fragments that aren't understandable, move the punctuation around until it makes sense.
Anyway. My minor gripes aside, I really enjoyed reading this story and I'll have to take a peek through your portfolio sometime. Write on! |
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