I found treasure in the Read & Review link. Very glad that I clicked until I found it. I think that it works without the tag--would surely suffice. Thank you for sharing this delightful poem.
I like this poem. You are doing some things that run counter to normal practice. Normally, poets would end the line on a substantive-a noun or a verb.
He sits on a window, waiting
For the fly to fill his stomach.
Behind him, a Shadow,
looming, watches
Him.
The shadow closes in, darkness Falls
over the world. The Spider moves
toward the light.
His heart is racing,
but The light is close.
He reaches the top of the window.
A shadow comes from above,
swallowing Him
before he can stop.
I've merely shown how you might consider making changes to achieve a more traditional approach. This, of course, is your work, and you have final authority of how you want it to read.
I read your brief bio, and I personally welcome you to this community (I've only been here for a brief while).
Wow-what a sardonic peace. For some reason, it causes me to think of television and how we consume our nightly "entertainment" and news. Thanks for sharing
Wow-this poem is powerful. I'm glad you found the strength to hang on. Might make some changes if I were writing this poem. Thank you for sharing.
Vindictive wind pulls
at my hair
I stand on the edge,
look down.
Lean forward slightly,
My eyes take
in the view,
But I miss the beauty.
A grand sight stretches
out before me,
And all around me,
Silently declaring
majesty.
But all I can see
is the fall,
And all I can feel
is the pain.
Still -
I hang on
Thank you for sharing. I like your work. You might consider removing the asides as they do not seem to add to the poem. I am suggesting that you write:
They say that love’s a choice; I think that isn’t so
Because if it was, I’d choose to let you go
Erase you from my dreams; wipe you from my mind
But sadly though, I’d gladly hit rewind
I can identify with this poem as I have written things and then never sent them. I think it would work even better if the syntax was more natural--for example:
in the margins of a book she loves the most is where her secrets are kept,
her scrawny handwriting whispering the thoughts of the day,
a few pages over could be a note she thinks would be better hid than sent,
with love he never knew she had for him inked, things he can only find at her writing desk.
she kept her secrets in the margins
of the one that she loved the most.
her scrawny handwriting whispered
tiny thoughts of the day.
a few pages over resided a note
better hid than sent.
he never knew the love
she had inked for him
until he found it at her writing desk
Take my comments with a grain of salt. They are only meant to show how someone might edit/recast your thoughts. Not even saying that my way is better. Again, thank you for sharing.
Interesting poem. I can only proffer suggestions as I had written this work
Hearts travel countless
Disparaging miles
To confront an all-knowing
Arch-nemesis.
A needed change of scenery,
And Then the resolve to face
A tested realm:
Is life worth nothing
Should paranoia rule?
The stark history of disease
Leads one to believe
In a simple, structured truth -
Allow medicine
Thank you for sharing this poem. I might do some things differently.
The Bequest
Time lay upon him-a gray shroud-
as he bent working the earth.
Though years pressed him, he dug unbowed,
and his eyes glowed with hidden mirth.
Time weathered hands moved with care
as he set out the fledgling tree.
He bent his furrowed head in prayer,
but he moved with certainty.
By varying the syllable count, you can avoid the sing-songy effect that sometimes afflicts rhymed poetry. I recast the seventh line to remove the word bowed since you already used unbowed in the third line. It's a good idea to avoid repeating words unless going for a deliberate effect.
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