Hey that is pretty good. Nice to see another haiku writer out there. Good turn of phrase,"Dry lips of the earth".Just my opinion here but there is an out of balance quality I see. The earth is thirsty, not the lips. As when I am thirsty, not my lips.
Just my opinion. Part of writing poetry is breaking the rules.
Hey you've got lyrics here. Way to go. You have a very strong verse rhythm and rhyme scheme and a strong chorus as well.
With the right arrangement this might be enough lyrics for a song. You might want to either add a third verse ( you could reuse the second or third verse)
Also I could see the last chorus being repeated a couple of times before singing that zinger of a one word line.
This could be very dramatic.
just my thoughts here, take it or leave it - peach
Hey things are looking up. Perhaps we were friends in a past life. Good subject for a poem. Heartfelt, certainly. Honest, yes. Just my opinion but you have a way of capturing emotions and feelings. I would give you a higher score if you surprised me more, whether with unlikely phrases or odd syntax and grammar. Athought or phrase that no one else has ever that I will remember tomorrow.
I hope i don't come across as negative. I would like to read more.
I like what you have written here. Who wants to carry this alone any longer than one has too. Writing can be healing and hey, when you share with another it cuts your burden half. The piece looks like it was poured out of you. Pain sucks. Just remember, what goes down must come up.
Hey you hit a home run. It is simple to write rhyming poetry that ends up feeling forced, aged, trite, and awkward. You did a great job, though. You poem establishes a revrence for the universal truth you explore. You used words like, "ageless, immorftal, and eternal" to describe truth at the heart of things.
Good effort. Just my opinion to share here. Since you are not here to sing the lyrics I can only the lyrics by what I see. I don't see verses or a chorus. If you wrote those you have to format the page to show them. I have been writing lyrics for artists and bands for 35 years. Take another shot at your lyrics and see if you can put them into verses and a chorus.
Not that opinion and fifty cents will get you a newspaper. Ha.
Somewhat of a bittersweet, poignant piece. You stick to the theme of the title which is good. The fifth line has the word come misspelled. You shift tense in the poem which makes for uncomfotable reading, just my opinion. If you change flew to fly in the first line and forgot and forgot in the second line to forget and forget that would solve that problem.
Good song idea. Your lyfrics stay on the track of that idea.
This is just my opinion, so remember that.
YOu have two 4 line verses and then the chorus. the chorus should be pue together like this
Don't love her when she's in the arms~
Of somebody else.
Don't love her when she's far away~
And you’re all by yourself.
Love her while you have her~
Right there by your side.
Love her while you have her~
Before she says good-bye.
Then you have a 6 line verse, not 4 lines like above. Stick to 4 lines.
That would give you a solid form of
verse-verse-chorus-verse-chorus
Sarah, very nice poem very well written. I like the quality in your writing where sentences flow through the lines. I like your comma and period decisions. I have a suggestion, just my opinion. I think you should place the following in their own stanza.
To savor them is my reward:
the frozen cloud of cream
laden with tart red-and-white berries,
the crunch of tiny seeds between my teeth.
Very nice.The sibling bond is strong here. Reading this piece, there was a strong flow to the writing. You captured innocent childhood's simple understandings and what happens when that small world grows and seperates the closest hearts. In the 4th line from the bottom you left the "r" off of "your".
Hello, this very much reads like song lyrics. There is a beat and rhythm to your writing. I like some of your phrase turns, such as "bright and brassy", and "the heat just slaps your face". You give a good description of Texas heat. The piece is playful and enjoyable.
Wow, this is quite an eyeful on the computer screen. I would suggest making each line/statement a stanza. That would make it easier on the eye. I like some of your surprise combinations of words. Such as "unknown-fearful","sometimes evident negative cave". I liked it. Thank you for a glimpse of your inner life.
Outstanding piece. It flows quite well. A suggestion. Where a line bgins with "I wake up..." make that the beginning of a stanza. I can really relate to the love of your life getting away and living throughs birthdays and holidays. You finished the piece well.
Maybe I'm reading something into this that isn't there but this looks to be written from the point of view of an alcohoic/addict. Certainly catches the grey drab downer world of everyday existence. I like the opening two lines. This poem does not offer any solution to the dissolute.
Very poignant. You delivered a real slice of life, there. Your piece had suspense. A sense of pacing. I could see the three characters. Nice part where you state the curse that sill nark the young one's soul. Suicide runs in the family and is a long term tragedy. I also liked the format you used.
Very sweet poem. a nice twist at the end i didn't see coming. I like the line, "An angel he adorned." This poem appears to have been engendered by a long successful marriage. I like how you chose a clear theme and then followed through with it.
Cute. A funny little poem. You certainly filled the grocery basket wit the many things in the above list. You could be more consistent with capitalizing the first letter of each line. Also could be consistent with your use of commas.
For example
carrots, apples, are on my list
real cream butter and cressent rolls
frozen cake and doughnut holes.
I enjoyed it. I like the way your mind works - peach
Certainly a timely piece. An essay or perhaps an editorial. You write with the tone of an impassioned believer. I too would like to see us go back to the moon and then Mars and on and on. I agree that the astronauts were courageous. They were part of a much larger team here on earth.
Good work with your review. You are neutral until the verry end. Bill Maher is just an entertainer, he gets paid to entertain. Hard to say what he really believes. Perhaps her worships at the church of the progressive socialists with so much or the mediaentertainmentcorporate world.
Loved it! It flows nicely from start to finish. Like how your focus on the externals like relationships and heartbreak ends with your observation of self discovery, What we see in other people tells us a lot about ourselves. I kept wanting to see you use ICU for I See You.
You have chosen a somwhat universal theme. Fitting your thoughts into seven stanzas I think you bit off more than you could chew. The rhyming scheme forced you to use awkward endings of lines such as "Before responsibility ends with scatters" I really did like the first two lines in each stanza. This was where you took the "innocent" position.
Keep it up!
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