Hi jackrebs this is a review from a fellow entrant in the "Invalid Item" I hope that you find my comments useful.
I liked the story that you had to tell the punishment of a Dragon to become a human was to my mind a nice twist.
I did notice that you had a tendency to use a lot of passive phrases in this tale. Passive writing weakens the story that you are trying to tell. Use of words such as "was" "had" "were" "am" etc. detract from the power of the story that you are telling. You also have a tendency to use many adverbs in this story. Adverbs also weaken the narrative. For example you wrote:
Shortly, Vassimaral lands heavily upon the beach.
It reads more powerfully if you changed the first adverb for something different, I.E.
Before long, Vassimaral lands heavily on the beach.
My comments are made in a spirit of friendliness with a view to helping.
Hi Karl This is a review of your entry for the "Invalid Item" from a fellow entrant. I hope that you find my comments useful.
I enjoyed your story and particularly liked the transformation of the cloaked figure into a Dragon, the mate of the one seen in the Obelisk. The description of the desert seemed to me to be the work of someone who has experienced the desert for real. Something that an inhabitant of the British Isles finds hard to come by.
I have a thing about the use of adverbs, words that generally end with ly, quickly, slowly, hungrily etc. I feel that this weakens the writing which could be made much more forceful without them.
We all need to be careful with the use of commas. One example in this story is in the opening passages where you say:
An audible click emanated within the stone, and with a shudder a gap appeared around the perimeter of the carving.
The comma after "stone" is in the wrong place. it should be after "and" with another comma after "shudder." This will isolate the subordinate phrase "with a shudder." The sentence should now read:
An audible click emanated within the stone and, with a shudder, a gap appeared around the perimeter of the carving.
I have not given many reviews and hope that you find this one useful.
I thoroughly enjoyed this work and the argument you make is flawless. I agree that the created "nature" cannot empirically examine the supernatural creator, it is beyond the reach of nature. I believe in the Bible and that it is the Word of God (our supernatural Creator.) This allows us to examine the supernatural God experientially, through an examination of His Word. Paul put this notion in beautiful terms in Romans 8 vss. 5-7.
Vs 5 For those who are in accord with the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those in accord with the spirit on the things of the spirit. 6 For the minding of the flesh means death, but the minding of the spirit means life and peace; 7 because the minding of the flesh means enmity with God, for it is not under subjection to the law of God, nor, in fact, can it be.
The apostle clearly identifies the immutable fact that the "flesh" (nature) cannot examine the "spirit" (supernature in your parlance.)
Since we are created in "the image of God" Genesis ch1 vss. 26&27 we have a spiritual nature that allows us to have a relationship with God. This too cannot be empirically examined, only experienced. It is a sad fact that many scientists are, in reality, fleshly men in the sense that Paul meant in Romans, a consequence of this thinking is that they have cut themselves off from the spirit. This is not an irreversible condition but it requires the fleshly thinker must open himself to it's influence.
Thank you for sharing
Prester John
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