Hey!
This is a Storytellers Review! ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!
Initial hook: Hey I'm here with a review for your piece for use with the Spotlight Review. I don't think I can attend the review so I thought giving you some feedback now would be a good idea.
Storyline: This is about a man who had an affair, something he had to do - he claimes - to save his business. At first his wife is furious with him, bt then all of a sudden, she has this wave of understanding and everything is okay.
I think for me this felt a little realistic. Unless it was part of some big scheme that they both concocted (which I don't think it was), I think even despite the fact that he has a 'good' reason for it, she would still be mad at him for a while. I could imagine how hurtful such betrayal would be and being able to say 'I love you, babe' that very night, seems a little unrealistic to me.
I know you asked about the showing don't tell thing. Sometimes this is something I struggle with so while I can try to help I may not be able to! Take this paragraph for example:
'As he got to the kitchenette, he sat down at the stool by the table in its middle. To his right was the wall, which continued in an L-shape to his back. To his left the stove and oven, as well as the washer, sink and counter. The fridge was in front of him, past the table. He looked to Sierra as she tapped her foot on the stone floor, not sitting down.'
It simply tells the reader what is going on. IT tells them what the kitchen looks like, what Sierra looks like. Help them feel it. You could try something like:
As he got to the kitchenette, he sat down on the tall bar stool. To his right the wall continued around in anarching shape, covering his back as he wished to hide his shame. He looked to Sierra. Her foot was tapping furiously on the floor, beating out a rhythm of hate and jealousy. Her usually compassionate eyes were full of red unabated fury. The words he tried to form in his mouth tumbled out in a heao of garbage as he was belitted by her gaze.
That's not perfect but it gives more of the scene to the reader; it helps them understand how they're both feeling, that's the sort of stuff you want to get down to.
Characters: Everett and Sierra are the main characters. Apart from the fact that Everett owns a company and Sierra is his wife, we don't know a lot about them. We know Everett is oriental and well kept for his job. What does Sierra look like? IS she as smart as him? What is their relationship? I know they're married but how does their marriage work? is it equal? These are the sorts of things that draw a reader into the characters and make them empathise with them.
Setting: The setting of this piece is Everett and Sierra's home. We get some description of what this looks like, namely the kitchenette, but what about colours, what makes it a home rather than just a house.
![Cut *Cut*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/cut.png) A few suggestions I had:
Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
his buttoned grey jacket a size too big and tall showing only a bit of the top of his snow-white shirt and his dark navy pants would suggest that he had just been to work.
his buttoned grey jacket, a size too big and tall, showing only a bit of the top of his snow-white shirt and his dark navy pants, would suggest that he had just been to work.
I think you just need a couple of commas in here.
An oriental man with well-shaved facial hair and a tidy haircut, he seemed to fit the bill of a businessman quite well.
An oriental man with well-shaved facial hair and a tidy haircut; he seemed to fit the bill of a businessman quite well.
I think this works a little better with a semi colon.
Her voice carried an air that suggested that his answer had to be very compelling, if their relationship was to be saved.
Her voice carried an air that suggested his answer had to be very compelling if their relationship was to be saved.
I took out the comma here and the word 'that'. I don't think you needed it twice.
“I had to.” Everett said simply.
“I had to,” Everett said simply.
When you have a speech tag, something like said, replied, shouted, you would use a comma rather than a full stop.
Sierra too was unable to speak,
Sierra too, was unable to speak,
as my father had died
when my father died
I think the word 'when' here feels a bit more comfortable.
A few parting comments...
I think this is a good piece and has a lot of potetial. You've followed the prompt well and wish you luck in the contest ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
Hope this helped!
Well done on a good write!!![Pencil *Pencil*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/pencil.png)
Reviewed on behalf of the Storytellers Group:
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