*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joanne4eva/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/25
Review Requests: OFF
3,537 Public Reviews Given
4,150 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!
I'm good at...
I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!
Favorite Genres
Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.
Favorite Item Types
Statics - fiction.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 21 22 23 24 -25- 26 27 28 29 30 ... Next
601
601
Review of The Labourer  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I was looking for something horrifying to read when I spotted this piece. I think miners can be pretty creepy fellows indeed, have you ever played Alan Wake? Eep! My first thought about this, initially without having read it, is that the structure looks more like poetry yet it is listed as fiction. Maybe just something to think about and consider which you were aiming for.


*Checkg*What I liked:

I don't often read poetry but I think this piece is really well written and had me hooked from beginning to end! I think you open it well, setting the scene with the miner, telling the reader who he is and what he does. The poem moves on to explain his life, his motivations, his toils. I really feel like I get a sense of this character, strong and hard working and dedicated. He is no stranger to pain or hard work and does not shy away from it like many others would. I really like this man.

The ending is great too, it just really emphasises the way that everything he has done or earned, he has done for himself. Nobody is there to dig his grave but he digs it himself, without complaint as all he wants to do is rest.

The description in this piece is great, it really brings the character to life and sets the scene and dark tone of the piece.

The style of the poem works to its advantage too, free and flowing, you have been able to get everything down there in one go which has helped it develop well.


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
602
602
Review of PINK?!?  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: A strange storm in the middle of an intense game such a poker, I'm in! Couldn't resist this piece *Smile* The opening line of this piece is great, it sets the tone of the piece and begins to give the reader a hint of character and setting.

*Pencil*Storyline: What a creepy little story about pink creatures that come to devour amidst a storm that shouldn't be there. Very original! Adam, it being his house, has to go and investigate when he sees something running across his lawn. The other three simply stand and watch, that is until the thuds and the blood...

*People*Characters: Adam is the main character. He organises the poker game and invites his friends around for a guys night in. When things start to get weird, he's the one who goes to investigate and it's without hesitation which either shows how brave or how stupid he is! I would like to think he's protecting his home, his wife.

His other friends, Mike, Rick and Gary, are a little less developed as characters but I think that's fine in such a short story. They wait inside, flocking like sheep, while they wait for Adam to get back. This to me suggested Adam is the leader of the pack and they're used to following him and with him gone, there's nobody left to follow.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is Adam's garage and I think you set the scene well, opening the story nicely and continuing down that vein, giving away snippets of detail.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This is a dark piece and let me tell you, I didn't forsee the terrible hairless pink monsters so that was a nice touch!



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
603
603
Review of Shadow Detective  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here on a special favour to browse through your port *Wink* I came across this and couldn't help but open it!

*Pencil*Storyline: What an intense and powerful story! It tells of a woman who is plagued by night terror, someone who stands in her room while she sleeps, watching her. At first, she is too scared to venture and explore but soon, when the exhaustion becomes too much, she knows she needs to do something and finally goes to investigate!

*People*Characters:The main character is a young woman who though plagued by terror, still continues on with her day job. What a strong woman, I know I would have given up long before she did! You portray her really well and I see her coming out of the terror and into the curiosity as she plays the events in her mind.

*Home*Setting: This story takes place in her home and it is portrayed well with vivid description to let us see it as she does.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There was a very dark and intense atmosphere in this piece the whole way through, I literally found my eyes rushing to the next sentence. Well done!



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


*NoteR*A few parting comments... Well done on an incredibly intense piece!!

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
604
604
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Let's Help Each Other Grow Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I was looking for something to read when I came across this piece. It was the title that drew me in, I found myself wanting to know more!

*Pencil*Storyline: When I read this I at first thought it was an abstract piece of prose, the first part of it seems quite passive but that's not to say it's not good! I think it worked really well and got inside the mind of someone to explain their innermost thoughts. Though I have to say, I'm not sure whose thoughts and feelings we were seeing here. It might be a good idea to make that a little clearer to the reader.

The second paragraph goes on to Nataz who is in the middle of a fight. With who? We don't know. Why? We don't know that either! I think that is okay too, however, as it leaves me questioning and wanting more (and I noticed there are two others parts to this) perhaps all will be explained later on. I think this piece works well as a prologue piece.

*People*Characters: Nataz is someone we meet in this section. However, so far I have to say I don't know a lot about her. Perhaps this will change later on in the chapters but it might be an idea to add some characteristics in here so the reader knows who she is and who they are following to keep their interest.

*Home*Setting: I think this all takes place in Tokyo, Japan as it is mentioned in the second paragraph.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: At the minute I don't want to say anything about the atmosphere as I'm not really sure what it is! Hopefully this will be developed in more chapters *Smile*




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*somethings wrong.
something's wrong.

This should have an apostrophe as it is an abbreviation of two words.




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Let's Help Each Other Grow Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
605
605
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey Angus. I'm here to return a review you did for me! I picked this piece simply because it was in your recommended items *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: What a delightfully gory story! We meet Ben and Mindy who are talking one morning after waking up and Ben confides in her about a nightmare he keeps happening about a real event from when he was seven. Mindy is truly shocked when she hears what he has to say and feels awful for him, promising to cheer him up when she gets home. However, instead of Mindy knocking at the door it is the man from his memory... or his imagination!

I really liked that touch, it worked really well and left it ambiguous enough for the reader to be left questioning it. Maybe there is such a man who resides in the imagination who comes out to scare little boys and girls! Grisly *Smirk*

*People*Characters: Mindy and Ben are the main characters in this, with more of a focus on Ben as it is his memory that is haunting. I think he must be a tough guy to have gone through that and come up to a job of a police officer where he must see awful things daily. I think you characterised him well.

My only thought was around the relationship between Ben and Mindy, if they are married and in love, I would have assumed there would be no secrets anyway, especially one as that. Particularly because this sort of incident could have been Ben's motivation for becoming a police officer.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece was Ben and Mindy's home but also back in the memory of Corey's room dripping with blood; nicely described!

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This was certainly a very dark and gory piece, a disturbing read *Smirk*


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
606
606
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey Prosperous Snow, I wanted to come and return a review you did for me! I chose this piece because of the dark undertones the title and description had as well as the fact that I tend to read more fiction than poetry.

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really interesting piece. We meet Baroness Shanita as she farewells to a funeral party and descends the steps, holding her pregnant belly. She meets her brother-in-law at the foot of the stair who escorts her to her chambers. They have some small talk until he produces the Serpent Medallion and proves that she stole it...

I think the ending left me with a question about what the curse of the Serpent medallion was and I found I longed to know about that but I'm thinking because there is a word count at the bottom, perhaps it was written for a contest.

*People*Characters: Baroness Shanita is the main character in this. She comes across as a lady in command on high at first, someone with high morals. That is, until her brother-in-law lets the reader see what she truly is.

*Home*Setting: You set this piece well, opening with a line that both introduces the character and place.




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*“Thank you, Commander,” she smiled,
“Thank you, Commander.” She smiled,

I would probably use a full stop and a capital here as it's an action tag rather than a speech tag.

*BulletB*“Of course,” together they climbed the stairs
“Of course." Together they climbed the stairs

*BulletR*she thought staring at the open case which now sit on her dresser.
she thought staring at the open case which now sat on her dresser.




*NoteR*A few parting comments... An interesting little story, good write!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
607
607
Review of wings of an angel  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, I wanted to come and return the review you did for me, so here I am! I don't often read poetry so just bear with me! *Smile*


*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a neat little poem that speaks of love from one to another. I think you capture the emotion well and present it to the reader in such a way as to emphasise it!

I would say that when I read it I thought it was actually written from the point of view of a human who is in love with an angel (rather than the other way around as the description suggests). Maybe you could re-read it and see what you think?

I would also suggest some punctuation might help this poem's flow and ensure the reader knows when the pauses and stops are.

*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Oh baby your
Oh baby you're

This should be 'you're' as it is an abbreviation of 'you are'

*BulletB*when your in the room
when you're in the room

This should be 'you're' as it is an abbreviation of 'you are'



*NoteR*A few parting comments... A sweet little poem, well done!

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
608
608
Review of Chapter 1  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Let's Help Each Other Grow Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey! I was looking for something to review when I came across this piece. I decided to take a look because you're looking for reviews.

I would suggest that you change the title and description to give the reader more of an idea of what's to come, you're more likely to get more reviews that way. In the description tell the reader what's going to happen with a hint and the title of the piece instead of 'Chapter 1'

*Pencil*Storyline: I think this is a good start to a story. I'm not sure if you had finished it because it's quite short but I think short chapters sometimes work really well. We meet Marcus and and Mr. Fink who are talking, having a word with each other about the Boss. The Boss doesn't like that Marcus took on the case of Anne Halloday but it looks like Marcus isn't going to shake it off.

*People*Characters: Marcus seems to be a tough character. He's a private eye (I'm guessing) and has taken a case despite the weakness presented in it. He's the sort of person who really wants to get to the bottom of a mystery and I sure hope he does.

Though we haven't met the Boss yet, he's already characterised as being tough and somebody you don't want to cross. I wonder what will happen to Marcus....

*Home*Setting: I think opening the story the way you did works well as it provides background and context; we also find out that it's taking place in Chicago. So well done for that!

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: There is a lot of tension in this scene. Marcus know he's treading on dangerous ground but he's going to do it anyway!

*BurstR*Dialogue: The dialogue is good and feels authentic just make sure the punctuation is there and in the right place *Smile*




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*“...I understand you’ve been sticking your nose in places it doesn’t belong”
“...I understand you’ve been sticking your nose in places it doesn’t belong.”

All speech should end with a punctuation mark.

*BulletB*“Mr. Eli”, Fink said,
“Mr. Eli,” Fink said,

The ending punctuation mark within speech always comes before the ending quotation mark.

*BulletR*There’s fat bastards everywhere in Chicago, so Marcus shrugged off the thought.
There are fat bastards everywhere in Chicago. Marcus shrugged off the thought.

I would suggest that direct thoughts can be put in italics to separate it from the main text.



*NoteR*A few parting comments... Well done on a good start, I hope to see more of this!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Let's Help Each Other Grow Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
609
609
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here to return the review you did for me a while ago. As soon as I opened your port I noticed the dark folder and I was instantly hooked! So here I am! Spiders are something that have a personal creep factor for me so naturally, I couldn't resist!

*Pencil*Storyline: What a dark little tale! It's been very well written and kept me hooked until the end. I think it kinda ended openly and didn't really say whether she had murdered them or whether her mum had, I like that *Smile*

*People*Characters: The main character is the girl telling the story. Her accent and the fact that she has an experience many people would say wasn't normal comes across really well. We get the story from her entire point of view and it works really well. She is a good cook and hooks men with no problem. I guess I couldn't figure out whether she was malicious of not, but Im guessing it was her mum rather than her.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This had a really simple but dark atmosphere to it that worked really well.

*Checkg*What I liked:

What I really liked about this piece is that it's really original and we hear the story from her point of view.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*See how they look the men look at the ladies?
See how the men look at the ladies?

I think there's a little bit of repetition here.

*BulletB* Chris couldn,t have been any happier,
Chris couldn't have been any happier,



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

610
610
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here to return the review you did for me! I chose this piece because it seems like a good place to start and you mention that you're looking for reviews too, so it fits nicely.

*Checkg*What I liked:

Hey this was a really nice insight into how you feel about writing and what it means for you in your life. Wow, you decided to persue writing as a career, very brilliant idea! How are you finding it? i think what comes across for me in this piece is that you are clearly really happy to be on the site and that you've received a lot of constructive critisicm which is fab, it's what we do as reviewers (as you did for me!). I have to agree getting a review here is fantastic and really helps you focus and hone you writing.

Are you working on a particular topic at the moment, or project?


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

611
611
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, I wanted to come and return the review you did for me! This piece intrigued me because of the title and I saw that it was a horror and I couldn't resist.

*Pencil*Storyline: What a really good short story! I really love that it's written from the point of view of the child who doesn't really understand what is going on. It adds to the innocence of it and though I kind of guessed what was happening, it was still a secret until the end.

*People*Characters: The little boy who changes is the main character in this piece. We don't find out his name and I can't help but feel it might add to his character, his innocence. But his innocence certainly shines through and it's clear he doesn't understand what is going on. I found myself wondering how old he was.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is the basement of his home wrapped in chains.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece is threaded with the innocence of the boy who is telling his story because he doesn't understand, you pull that off well.


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

612
612
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here with a review from the Writers Garden as requested! I would suggest putting your title in normal letters so it would appear like 'Forever in My Heart' rather than being all in uppercase.


*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really sweet story about the love you had for a man named Daniel. I have to tell you how sorry I am that such a sweet and perfect relationship ended in that way, but you seem to know you can still see him and you cherish what you had with him, which is brilliant.

You take the reader through the journey of meeting him and falling in love and help them understand how you felt. Thank you for sharing this *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*I still remember his million dollars disarming smile
I still remember his million-dollar disarming smile

*BulletB*I was walking in the middle of the road on my way to a new hotel, which i could not find
I was walking in the middle of the road on my way to a new hotel, which I could not find

*BulletR*so let us get going shall we?
so let us get going shall we?"



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

613
613
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!




*Checkg*What I liked:

Hey! As requested I'm stopping by with a little review for this piece. I think the auction looks fab! The image is great (as as the banners). It's all really colourful and well laid out. It took me a while to figure out why some packages were in blue and some in green, but that's probably just me!

I think the auction itself is a really great idea and ties in nicely with the theme *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

614
614
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here with another review *Smile* This time I thought it would be a good idea to pick a piece that wasn't already awarded! I think I picked this piece because of the fun nature it could entail *Smile*

I'm starting to see a theme here... are you a teacher by any chance?

*Pencil*Storyline: What an inventive piece! Alli created a sort of time machine that allows a person to see into a particular point in time, something that has been on their mind for a long time, for ten seconds or so. Wow, what an invention! Though I have to say, the fact that Alli is so mature about it is great; she can see not only the positives but the negatives of such a contraption.

*People*Characters: Alli and Jace are the main characters in ths piece. They're both young, probably middle teens, and are best friends. It's pretty sweet. Alli is a smart girl and although she knows she's created something amazing, she also knows the problems it could cause. She has her head screwed on right and isn't afraid to use it!

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece takes place in Alli's garage but the places they visit while there, are never ending!

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This is a lighthearted piece with a strong message about the problems with knowing what the future could bring.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

615
615
Review of Good Conversation  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here with a review that you won in the package *Smile* I chose this piece because I agree with what you've said in the title and description; good conversation can make your day better! *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really fun and lighthearted piece. It tells the tale of Kyra, indulging in her weekly treat after a hard day at work. A man approaches and despite her warnings they end up in deep conversation.

The twist at the end of this piece was great, I really didn't see that coming! It made me giggle (probably just as much as Rob did).

*People*Characters: Kyra is the main character in this piece. I really like her character, she's brutal and honest and doesn't miss a beat. She's got a sass that's slipping over the edge and I really like that about her. She doesn't think twice about lying and just wants to have her peace for one night a week. I think she deserves just that!

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is a hole-in-the-wall-bar (not quite sure what that means, is it literal?) in a town 20 miles from where she works. Smart move.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece is really lighthearted. We see Kyra chatting to Rob and Jason with ease as the stresses of her day wash away.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

616
616
Review of The Promise  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I found this on the short stories page and wanted to come and read it. It's been saved in my list to read until I got a chance. I think the description is what drew me in, I felt like I couldn't pass it by.

*Pencil*Storyline: This piece tells the story of a young girl, Liliane, who lives with her parents. She is used to getting good meals as her father has a good job but when the bank closes things change, including their life at home. They are despairing until her father believes he has gotten a new job. They jump on the train and head to their new destination, excitment and anxiety brimming in the cart. However, they are stopped and separated, taken to Treblinka.

I have to be honest and say I had to google Treblinka but I had a feeling about what it was. In this way you've set the story up really well; this little family believe they are going onto a fresh start but they are in fact thrust into a fresh hell.

*People*Characters: Liliane is the main character in this and we see the story from her point of view. She seems like a sweet child, not spoiled or greedy, happy with what she has. She only wants her little family to be safe and happy. SHe's very grown up for a young girl.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece changes from their home to the train to the extermination camp. You describe them all well to set the scene.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece moves from despair to excitement at a new start to sheer terror as the realisation of where they are hits home. You capture all of these brilliantly.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

617
617
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I've had this piece saved in my favourites until I could find time to come and read it, and here I am!

*Pencil*Storyline: What a creepy little piece! To think she was still alive and to everyone around her, she appeared to be dead, of course, except from her evil husband. The frustration and terror she must have felt at being buried alive!

*People*Characters: Mary is the main character in this piece. Desite the fact that she is completely paralysed she is still able to think and you get across her thoughts and emotions well. I felt frustrated for her and could feel her mounting terror as the day passed and the funeral was arranged. I think I really hated her husband for doing this to her; how evil to think he would actually allow her to be buried alive, knowing she couldn't tell anyone what was going on, all to be able to move on with another woman! The evils of evil that is.

*Home*Setting: The setting changes in this story, the alley, the morgue, the coffin. All are quite confining and claustrophobic and I think fit well with the story's theme.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: Throughout this piece the main tone I picked up on was frustration at her inability to do anything about her situation and her terror, after all, who wouldn't be terrified to be buried alive!


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

618
618
Review of BOUNDING HOME  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I found this on the short stories page and wanted to come and read it *Smile* I'm trying to expand my reading horizons and this looks like it might fit the bill!

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really intriguing piece based in the wwII era. WE follow the story of Vince Zecca, a soldier, a sargeant, a lieutenant. He is a strong man, one who is overcome with the memories of the horror he has witnessed and experienced. But he has his friends around him and they are what counts for him in the end.

*People*Characters: Vince seems like a really strong man. He goes through a lot, sees a lot of trauma, experiences some himself and still pushes on. He accepts the promotion to lieutenant with a gratitude the fills him and as that comes, so do the memories. He breaks down although he doesn't want to be seen to be weak in front of his men. but he is grateful for their comfort and friendship as they take him to the medic and tell him it's okay. I think it's really sweet the way that happened.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is world war two. You set the scene really well, allowing the reader to be there with the men.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This is a piece full of anguish and pain and torment, both physical and emotional. We see scattered bodies and scattered minds and I think you captured it all really well.


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

619
619
Review of His Mother's Eyes  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, I found this in the short stories section and wanted to come and read it. The idea of the story is what attracted me; I'm trying to expand my horizons and read things other than horror and dark, so here I am!

*Pencil*Storyline: This piece tells the story of Horace, a man on his death bed. As he waits out the pain his son, Chris, comes to visit. In what will be the last visit they ever share together, Horace tells his son about the truth of his mother, what she was truly like.

I didn't expect to see that coming at all. Well, I guess I did, but when it did, I was shocked anyway!

*People*Characters: Horace and Chris are the main characters in this piece. Horace is an old man lying on his death bed in hospital. He knows he hasn't got long left and wants to come clean to Chris. I wasn't sure what motivated him to do so, whether it was guilt or just the need to have someone know before he passed away.

Chris was the son. He seems to be a really loving and doting son at that. He visits his dad in the hospital to talk, to share his last time with him. He listens patiently as his dad unravels the story. His reaction when he finally found out the truth was really well done; he was in shock and thought he trusted the wrong person his whole life. I almost didn't expect him to react ike that but I'm not sure why.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is the hospital and you set the scene well, especially in the first paragraph where you offer a view of the room and let us see what condition Horace is in.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

620
620
Review of Ruby's Rage  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I saw this on the short stories page and wanted to come and check it out! I think it was the description that did it; class conflict and drama. I like that idea and wanted to come and read what you'd written.

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really good piece that focuses on Ruby, a local store attendant. I'm nto sure what class she is but she's is clearly looked down upon by the young men who come to buy beer. Although she is not everything she seems and the tide turns when she exacts her revenge and puts Jake in his place.

*People*Characters: Ruby is a really strong character in this piece. She is a young woman working at a local convenience store and it's clear she isn't going to take crap off anybody. I did find myself wondering why she was working at the store and equally, why she hid her talent? I think working in such a rough neighbourhood I'd make sure people knew, maybe.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is in the local convenience store where she works. You've set the scene well with the right mix of description and dialogue.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Ruby rubbed her temples and looked at her watch, For Christ’s sake
Ruby rubbed her temples and looked at her watch. For Christ’s sake

I would say this should maybe be a full stop rather than a comma.

*BulletB*Jake, Tommy and skinny boy all looked at Simon, “Sure, it’s always the Jew boys turn.”

I wasn't sure who was talking here, maybe it could use a speech tag.

*BulletR*something menacing about that one." she walked around the counter.
something menacing about that one." She walked around the counter.

This is an action tag rather than a speech tag so should have a capitalised letter.

*BulletV*She shifted her weight and let loose her Taka-geri, it her best high front kick ever.
She shifted her weight and let loose her Taka-geri, it was her best high front kick ever.

*Bullet*The others just stood there mouths gaped open.
The others just stood there mouths agape.

*BulletG*when he drinks too much, Are you really Ruby Rousey?”
when he drinks too much. Are you really Ruby Rousey?”




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

621
621
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I spotted this in the short stories section and wanted to come and check it out. I think it intrigued me because of the subject of the story; where will we go?

*Pencil*Storyline: This story is a sci-fi adventure. People of the future are given a choice when the world is going to explode; either die with the earth or root themselves in the past and live out normal lives for a while. This family chose to go back to the 21st century and live out there.

I think I got a little confused as to the dream part when she fell asleep; was that just a dream or was it happeneing and was she back in her own time?

I found you do a lot of telling in this piece; you tell the reader what happens rather than showing them through the actions, emotions and dialogue of characters. How do they feel about the 21st century? How hard is it to act normal? Do they ever lapse? How do the children feel about not being able to have children of their own?

*People*Characters: We know that we're following a family here, hoewver, the family have remained anonymous. We don't know their names, what they look like, what their motivations were. For this reason I found it quite hard to sympathise with them. Creating really strong and believable characters will help your story move forward and encourage the reader to care for them.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this peice is the 21st century but we don't really see a lot of it. What does it look like? What is their view of this time since they come from the future?



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*You see we had a choice find a time to relocate to or die with the planet.
You see we had a choice; find a time to relocate to or die with the planet.

*BulletB*They go to school and while they are light years beyond their classmates they have been taught how to act like their peers from this time period.
They go to school and while they are light years beyond their classmates, they have been taught how to act like their peers from this time period.

*BulletR*The next thing I new I was back at the Time Tech Institute
The next thing I knew, I was back at the Time Tech Institute




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

622
622
Review of The Key  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I saw this piece in the short story section and I wanted to come and check it out. It looks like it's a story that's going to unfold with the girl finding out about her past, that's what intrigued me.

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really touching piece about a young girl's dream to find out who her real parents were. We know that she's happy with Mom-Mom but that she would like some answers, or closure.

You start the story right in the middle of the action, driving (although we don't know where to yet). It entices the reader to read on and the story begins to unfold.

*People*Characters: Samantha and Marla are the main characters in this piece. Samantha is a young woman searching for information about her past. She feels almost incomplete. Searching and not knowing have both hurt her yet she presses on, determined to get some answers. She has almost lost hope, annoyed with the turn of events, but she presses on anyway.

Marla is a brilliant mother figure. She's loving, compassionate and maternal. I feel like she was born to be a mother, she does such a great job.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece ends at the little cottage in the middle of nowhere. You have described this brilliantly setting the scene well. Even when they are driving I think you do well to get the right balance between dialogue and action.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: I found this piece mingled with sadness and pain, but happiness at the joy of finally knowing her parents were real. I feel her anger at the beginning when they are driving to the cottage, she wanted answers and feels that with her birth mother's passing, she will never get them.

*BurstR*Dialogue: The dialogue feels real. The pair have a real conversation and are not afraid to be open with one another, I like that.


*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Into view appeared a quaint, white building with large windows overlooking a lake.
A white building with large windows overlooking a lake appeared in their view.

This sentence just felt a little awkward to me, I think it was the 'into' part.



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

623
623
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here with a review from the Power Shop Review Board. I chose to read this piece because I feel like it could have a lot of potential and I was interested to read it.

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really interesting piece. It is the story of a couple, thrown together but never really in love, sticking out for their duty and growing to resent one another and becoming bitter.

It's a story not told in the traditional sense of the word, instead you open each paragraph with a new secton of their lives as they meet and progress. The repetition of the words 'Two tortured souls' works really well and really emphasises the fact that they are miserable.

I think if this was a story in the traditional sense of the word with a beginning, middle and end, I would probably say that you've done a lot of telling in this piece rather than showing. You tell us how each of them feels rather than showing us. But for this piece, it seems to work.

*People*Characters: Again, another thing I would normally suggest is having their names added in here. But I feel that without the names it still works really well. It adds an anonymity to it which also suggests it's a fable with a moral than a story.

Both the man and the woman presented in this are in bad places in their lives when they meet each other and that is simply carried on. It is perpetuated and they never stop and talk or consider whether they are making the right choice.

*Home*Setting: We don't get to grips with a setting as such as much of this is written in quite a passive way to tell the story and get it out rather than focusing on the details of it.



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*The daughter got married, more then once,
The daughter got married, more than once,



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

624
624
Review of For Honor's Sake  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Storytellers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here with a review for your piece for use with the Spotlight Review. I don't think I can attend the review so I thought giving you some feedback now would be a good idea.

*Pencil*Storyline: This is about a man who had an affair, something he had to do - he claimes - to save his business. At first his wife is furious with him, bt then all of a sudden, she has this wave of understanding and everything is okay.

I think for me this felt a little realistic. Unless it was part of some big scheme that they both concocted (which I don't think it was), I think even despite the fact that he has a 'good' reason for it, she would still be mad at him for a while. I could imagine how hurtful such betrayal would be and being able to say 'I love you, babe' that very night, seems a little unrealistic to me.

I know you asked about the showing don't tell thing. Sometimes this is something I struggle with so while I can try to help I may not be able to! Take this paragraph for example:

'As he got to the kitchenette, he sat down at the stool by the table in its middle. To his right was the wall, which continued in an L-shape to his back. To his left the stove and oven, as well as the washer, sink and counter. The fridge was in front of him, past the table. He looked to Sierra as she tapped her foot on the stone floor, not sitting down.'

It simply tells the reader what is going on. IT tells them what the kitchen looks like, what Sierra looks like. Help them feel it. You could try something like:

As he got to the kitchenette, he sat down on the tall bar stool. To his right the wall continued around in anarching shape, covering his back as he wished to hide his shame. He looked to Sierra. Her foot was tapping furiously on the floor, beating out a rhythm of hate and jealousy. Her usually compassionate eyes were full of red unabated fury. The words he tried to form in his mouth tumbled out in a heao of garbage as he was belitted by her gaze.

That's not perfect but it gives more of the scene to the reader; it helps them understand how they're both feeling, that's the sort of stuff you want to get down to.

*People*Characters: Everett and Sierra are the main characters. Apart from the fact that Everett owns a company and Sierra is his wife, we don't know a lot about them. We know Everett is oriental and well kept for his job. What does Sierra look like? IS she as smart as him? What is their relationship? I know they're married but how does their marriage work? is it equal? These are the sorts of things that draw a reader into the characters and make them empathise with them.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is Everett and Sierra's home. We get some description of what this looks like, namely the kitchenette, but what about colours, what makes it a home rather than just a house.




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*his buttoned grey jacket a size too big and tall showing only a bit of the top of his snow-white shirt and his dark navy pants would suggest that he had just been to work.
his buttoned grey jacket, a size too big and tall, showing only a bit of the top of his snow-white shirt and his dark navy pants, would suggest that he had just been to work.

I think you just need a couple of commas in here.

*BulletB*An oriental man with well-shaved facial hair and a tidy haircut, he seemed to fit the bill of a businessman quite well.
An oriental man with well-shaved facial hair and a tidy haircut; he seemed to fit the bill of a businessman quite well.

I think this works a little better with a semi colon.

*BulletR*Her voice carried an air that suggested that his answer had to be very compelling, if their relationship was to be saved.
Her voice carried an air that suggested his answer had to be very compelling if their relationship was to be saved.

I took out the comma here and the word 'that'. I don't think you needed it twice.

*BulletV*“I had to.” Everett said simply.
“I had to,” Everett said simply.

When you have a speech tag, something like said, replied, shouted, you would use a comma rather than a full stop.

*Bullet*Sierra too was unable to speak,
Sierra too, was unable to speak,

*BulletG*as my father had died
when my father died

I think the word 'when' here feels a bit more comfortable.


*NoteR*A few parting comments...

I think this is a good piece and has a lot of potetial. You've followed the prompt well and wish you luck in the contest *Smile*

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Storytellers Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

625
625
Review of Jalympics  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Let's Help Each Other Grow Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I was looking for something to review when I came across this piece. A very interesting concept indeed! I had to read. That, plus I love anything dark *Smile*

*Pencil*Storyline: A really interesting piece. Overcrowded jails, authorities with no idea of what to do until... they steal the idea of the Battle Royale and make five prisoners fight each month. Interesting. You've given it a good twist having the entire fight take place in the dark, though I did wonder about the reasoning for that. It made it interesting but I can imagine in a booby trapped maze, the prisoners aren't going to last long. I like how there's a minotaur in the labyrinth, nice touch.

*People*Characters: Michael is the main character in this piece. We learn about the whole thing from his point of view. We also learn he has been falsely imprisoned. He seems to be taking his fate awfully well, I think a man who was innocent would perhaps be a little more angry about being imprisoned, unless he had been in there for a long time.

*Home*Setting: The setting for this piece was a jail. We don't get a lot of description of the jail but I think that's okay becase the main part of the story focuses on the maze and what happens in there.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece moves fast and is full of action, just what I suppose it should be like to find out you're trapped in a maze where you can't see anything with four other men out to kill you!




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*"Alexander Harris"
"Alexander Harris."

This just needs a punctuation mark at the end.

*BulletB*Guards cam to fetch me from my cell.
Guards came to fetch me from my cell.

*BulletR*I saw the outline of a mans body.
I saw the outline of a man's body.

*BulletV*It didnt come.
It didn't come.

*Bullet*lighter then the monsters
lighter than the monsters

*Bulletv*I would suggest giving this piece a rating. It means that it would be available to more people to read and would appear on more listings.





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Let's Help Each Other Grow Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

1,045 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 42 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joanne4eva/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/25