blue jellybaby's (joanne4eva) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

3,537 Public Reviews Given

4,150 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!

I'm good at...

I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!

Favorite Genres

Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.

Favorite Item Types

Statics - fiction.

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#3965794

Review of Different Interests

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey, I hit the random review button looking for something to review and this popped up. I was interested from the beginning because I love things that look at gender differences!

Storyline: What an interesting piece and what a way to take those prompt words! Where did the inspiration come from? It was a fun read. At first I thought the husbands were watching Charlie on TV or something and it took me a while to realise they were all in the same quilt-making class as each other, trying to stave off the boredom!

It rang quite true of something people may do to entertain themselves. I liked it!

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and I think you captured it just right for a flash fiction piece.

Characters: Charlie is the main character here. He's a husband who's succumbed to the boredom and now all bets are on him. I have to say I feel a little sorry for him but he brings it on himself!

Setting: This takes place in the quilt-making seminar. You set the scene well.

Atmosphere and tone: Fun and lighthearted!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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127

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#3964502

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 21"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: The chapter opens with Phillips this time. I'd suggest putting his name at the very start there so the reader is grounded and knows they're with him from the beginning. He sits and eats breakfast with Timmons and they discuss Rossum and what he wants the painting for.

The chapter then moves onto Micah and Toni again. Here I think you need to use *** to indicate to the reader that there is a change. He drives her to work and promises to be back to pick her up.

The chapter then switches again. Use *** so the reader is clear. We're with a man called Clayton Osbourne. He's an older man and one who has an obsession with Toni. This is interesting and adds another plot dimension to the story. It leaves me wondering what's going to happen.

Pacing and flow: The pacing of this chapter was good and kept the narrative moving.

POV and tense: I noticed a couple of places where you wrote something in present tense rather than past. I noted them below.

Characters: Clayton Osbourne is a new character introduced to the reader here. He's a thirty year old man who's basically going to spend his life working at the supermarket. He's happy with his lot in life but he also has a major crush on Toni. He brought a sinister feel to the narrative and it makes me wonder how it's all going to pan out.

Setting: The settings change again in this chapter but there's not a lot of description given. I'd add a bit more.

Atmosphere and tone: The end part of this chapter with Clayton adds a sinister tone to the chapter and leaves the reader wondering what his intentions are.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3964168

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 20"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: The chapter starts with Micah as he's lying in bed the morning after the night before, and really thinking about what happened and trying to make sense of it all. The first few paragraphs go a really good way to letting the reader in on his thoughts and emotions and helping them understand him. Great job! More of this please!

Suddenly, the chapter changes from Micah and Toni to Phillips. I think you need *** here to suggest a change is coming. It really threw me. He wakes up the morning after the night before too nursing a big hangover. He thinks things through and heads out for coffee.

Then we're back with Micah. Again I think you need *** here. The end of this chapter felt quite awkward to me. It might just be the way I perceive it but I'm not sure that just coming out with such a big statement would be natural part of conversation. The other side of it is that we don't get the reaction of the parents or the kids either. I think if you leave it in we need something a little more.

Pacing and flow: This chapter changed quite a lot, I felt, between the main characters. I felt like it disrupted the flow a little. Perhaps you could change the order slightly. Is there any reason the part involving Phillips couldn't come at the end?

POV and tense: I noticed several places in this chapter where you switch from past to present tense and it really disrupted the flow. Take another read, though I've put those examples at the bottom.

Characters: Although the start of the chapter was really great in letting the reader get inside of Micah's mind, I think you need to continue that through, especially with him and Toni and their budding relationship.

Setting: You set the scene in the motel well but I found I wanted more description of Toni's house and the kitchen where they sat and even Micah's bedroom.

Atmosphere and tone: As I said I found myself wanting more, particularly on the romantic side from Toni and Micah.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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129

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#3964159

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 19"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline:Chapter 19 starts with Micah in the bathroom of his home. I'd suggest putting his name in there just so the reader is sure it is Micah. Okay, so he wasn't at home. He's at Toni's house where he's going to spend the night. Now, I have to say this left me with a few questions...

Why is he spending the night at Toni's? I think that needs clarified.

The fact that he's spending the night at her house gives suggestion to the fact that something more may happen in their relationship, intimacy wise. I thought that when they said they needed to talk it was about whether they were ready to take it to the next level.

Where are her parents? Are both sets of parents okay with him sleeping there?

Pacing and flow: The pace of this chapter was fine and the dialogue moved it along nicely.

POV and tense: It's written in the past tense and I didn't notice any errors with this.

Characters: Again I think we really need to get into their thoughts and emotions more. As it reads it's okay but it's not gripping and their relationship doesn't feel real or very intimate. I really think you need to re-read this chapter and think about how they act around each other, what their physical reactions are, their thoughts and emotions. Show the reader rather than telling them to really make this chapter.

Setting: This all takes place in Toni's room. Most of it anyway. What does it look like? Show it to the reader. Let them see how it reflects her personality.

Atmosphere and tone: I wanted to feel more love/romance/intimacy here. Let the reader really feel it as they do.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

130

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#3964155

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 18"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: Hey! I'm sorry it's been a little while since I was able to stop by. I've been very busy and also very ill, but now that I've got a little spare time I thought I'd stop by to carry on reading!

Storyline: Most of this chapter follows Micah and Antoinette at the end of their prom. This is indeed a really sweet moment as they talk openly and honestly and they both tell each other that they love each other. While it was sweet the formality of the narrative really kept it in check which means the reader can't rejoice with them. I think you need more of the emotions, thoughts and feelings from both characters in there to really add more atmosphere to this piece.

The second part of the chapter is with Kiliaen again. He's relaxing after his day and when his 'guards' come into the room he's lied to about Phillips' existence. This opens up a new plot avenue and I'm interested to see what's going to happen next.

Pacing and flow: The first part of this chapter was quite slow but I think for the nature of the scene, it was good and well done. The second part was a little quicker getting straight to the point.

POV and tense: It's written in the past tense but I noticed the very first sentence is written in the present tense. I've mentioned it below.

Characters: We see all three of the main characters here again. I think in particular we really need to get more in depth with Micah and Toni. They're sharing a very intimate and sensual moment but as a reader I couldn't feel it. I wanted to feel their spark, their excitement, the way their stomachs fluttered as those words were uttered and the thoughts that each one had. I think it would really add to the scene as well as their personalities.

Setting: This was at the prom and then in the office. I think you need a bit more description, especially during the prom scene so the reader knows what it looks like where they are.

Atmosphere and tone: I mentioned the atmosphere above and though it's obviously romance, I really think you could double it and the effect it has.

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

I'd suggest using *** to separate the different scenes to make it clearer to the reader.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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131

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#3962402

Review of The Holding Place Chapter 1

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I was looking for something to read when I came across this. I really enjoy reading in the young adult genre and it seems that this may be a dark piece, right up my street!

Storyline: It's a really interesting start to the story as something is read out and then we realise that we are at the funeral of Abby and it is told from the point of view of Abby. What an opening! It makes me what to know how and why.

We see Abby's funeral through her own eyes. It works well to keep the reader gripped and wanting more. As she remembers the first time they met I'm right there with them and then painfully, the reader is transported back to the funeral.

It is a really good start to the story and very gripping. I have to ask (and please don't be offended) but I get the feeling I've read this before. I remember the meeting in the restaurant in particular. Have you had this item on WdC before? Or perhaps made it as a new item?

Pacing and flow: The pacing and flow of this chapter is just right. It gives the reader time to sense the mourning of the family and of Abby as well.

POV and tense: This is written in the present tense and it works well to bring the immediacy to the reader.

Characters: Abby is the main character here. The realisation comes at the beginning that Abby has already faced her death and we are seeing things from her point of view from beyond the grave. I feel sorry for her, both for losing her life but also for being ripped away from her family.

Setting: This takes place at the funeral. You set the scene well.

Atmosphere and tone: The atmosphere in this chapter is very sombre as it's filled with grief. You capture it well.

What I liked:

This is a really well written line, sensitive to the issue and showing her personality:

'The display is beautiful and masks the ugly reality that within the coffin lays the remains of my worldly frame. '

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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132

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#3962399

Review of Looking for Love

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey, I hit the review button looking for something to read and this piece popped up. My first thought is that it is listed as poetry but when I looked at it I thought it might have been more prose/monologue or fiction. However, I know what poetry can take many forms and I don't want to stifle your creativity, just mentioning what I thought!

What I liked:

This piece takes the reader through quite a personal experience of losing love and then the hunt to find that perfect love again. I really like how this because quite realistic towards the end. I think that many of us are guilty of looking for Prince Charming and of course, if that's what we're expecting we're never going to find it. I think having that realisation means a person can then look for love in more real-life places and have realistic expectations too.

Thank you for sharing this piece!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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#3962397

Review of Skateboards and Notebooks (for Mike)

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I hit the review button looking for something to read and this popped up. I don't usually read a lot of poetry but this piece and the subject of it interests me so here I am!

What I liked:

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It's about growing up as a kid and picking something up as a hobby. For you, or for Mike, it was skateboards and notebooks. But I think you've captured the true essence of it and this could apply to any hobby that a child takes up. My favourite line was:

'Improve. Expand. Practice. Build.'

Very encouraging and true words. I also really like the way you ended the poem with the same two lines. It brought it all together into a rounded thought.

Thank you for sharing!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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134

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#3962395

Review of Inside his Head

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I hit the review button looking for something to read and this popped up. It's an interesting title and I guess the description works well in one way. It might be interesting to actually hint at what the piece is about, give the reader a tiny snippet to make them want to read on.

Storyline: Morgan wanders his house late at night looking for distraction. He goes into his younger brother's room and then into his parents room where he comes face to face with an attacker. I think there are several things going on here and having them all together in such a short piece really left me a little confused.

Why was Morgan wandering looking for distractino from the 'inevitable doom'? What is the inevitable doom?

To me it seemed like his brother passed over from an illness. When I read this I thought perhaps it was a zombie story and Morgan thought he might come back to life.

His parents were killed by a man. AT first I thought it was a normal man as a knife had been used but then the man bit Morgan so it made me wonder if he was a vampire.

I think you need to settle on one plot element at a time and if you wanted to include all, I think this should be a longer piece.

Pacing and flow: I felt like this piece was quite short for the plot elements it included and it needs to be a much longer piece with the flow slowed a little in order it to work fully.

POV and tense: This is written in the third person point of view and it worked well to give the reader a sense of the whole scene.

Characters: Morgan is the main character here. We know he's worried about his brother but other than that, we don't really know anything. How old is he? Why is he wandering along? What is he worrying about?

Setting: This takes place in the family home. It might be worth adding a little more description here and there to really set the scene.

Atmosphere and tone: I think this piece could have done with a bit more suspense, especially towards the end when he's fighting. Try using short sentences and showing his emotions and thoughts.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

135

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#3962391

Review of Basic Decencies

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Samantha, I hit the review button looking for something to read and this popped up. It looks like it's a piece with your thoughts on manners.

What I liked:

This was a list of things that you consider to be common decencies amongst people and one that all people should do. It's an interesting list and it gives the reader an insight into you as a person and your personality. I think the way you listed your points made it easy to read. Perhaps it might be a good idea to tell the reader what happened to spark you to write this. Was there a particular moment? If you read it back now are there any others you would add to the list?

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

I would maybe suggest adding the genre 'opinion' to this piece to give it a wider scope for people to read.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

136

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#3962388

Review of Channel Blocker

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I hit the random review button looking for something to read and came across this!

Storyline: This was a really great flash fiction piece! It made me smile a lot. Thelma watches TV as her partner Howard comes home and realises that it's to blame for many of his complaints and with regret that she'll have to get rid of her favourite channels.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace, using a good balance of narrative and dialogue.

POV and tense: This was written in third person which worked well to show both characters.

Characters: Thelma is the main character here. She's come to the realisation that her TV channels have to go. I do feel sorry for her though to put up with all of his grumbling.

The descriptions you give of Howard, particularly as he first enters is brilliant! I loved it.

Setting: This takes place in their home and you give enough description for the reader to see the scene.

Atmosphere and tone: This was a really funny piece. It made me smile!

Dialogue: The dialogue throughout felt real and I particularly loved the internal dialogue. It felt natural and like real thoughts. It also really helped to add personality to Thelma.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

137

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#3962337

Review of My first love

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey I'm here with a review of this piece from "Invalid Item"

!

What I liked:

Aw Marci, what a lovely story. You write this story from your point of view and in in, I got the impression you were quite young. You played the organ (piano?) at church and that's when you first caught sight of him. And you couldn't get him out of your mind. When your dad suggested ringing him one Friday night to do something you were a little shocked but finally gave in. I bet you're glad now! Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you hadn't called him?

And the way in which Perry proposed, so romantic! What a lovely story

I have no suggestions to make!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

138

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#3962071

Review of June 14--Gun

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey, I wanted to come and return the review you did for me! I spotted this flash fiction folder at the top of your port and stepped in. This one immediately grabbed me because I already felt like there was a sense of suspence!

Storyline: I really enjoyed reading this flash fiction. It's written from the point of view of a woman who has been stalked and harassed by her ex partner because she won't be with him anymore. But she won't put up with it forever.

Pacing and flow: The flow and pacing of this piece is just right. The narrative kept me wanting to know what happened.

POV and tense: this is told from the point of view of the woman and written in first person. I think that means it seems very immediate and comes across as very powerful to me.

Characters: The woman is the main character here. We know that she's been pushed to her limits and that she feels backed into a corner unable to take anymore. At first I felt sorry for her, but then I was proud of her for taking her future into her own hands.

Setting: The setting isn't very important in this piece, I felt it was more character driven.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece was really strong and powerful.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

139

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14 days may be credited.

#3961723

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 17"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: This chapter starts with Gregory Phillips again. It took me a while to get my bearings because of the order of it all. I thought he was with Freedman but he was with Timmons. They talk about the possibility of Phillips getting the painting for Timmons.

The second half of this chapter is with Micah and Antoinette. I would say you should use *** to separate the two different scenes to make it clear to the reader. The two are talking to Toni's friends about the almost fight and it comes out that her ex boyfriend tended to be quite threatening to her.

Pacing and flow: The pacing of this was quite good, particularly the first part as it kept the story moving and the reader wondering.

POV and tense: The point of views and tense use was all really good throughout this piece.

Characters: Here I think the reader is really seeing a darker side to Phillips. He's willing to go where the money is and doesn't care if this means he is switching sides or hurting anyone along the way.

Setting: The settings of this varied between the restaurant and the prom again. I think a little more description would really help the reader see the places as the characters do.

Atmosphere and tone: You did a good job of keeping the reader wondering in the first scene, making them want to know what was going on.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

140

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14 days may be credited.

#3960352

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 16"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: Now that they've finally reached the prom I find that I can't help but want to know what happens next!

Storyline: In this chapter Micah regales Toni's friends about the story of his nickname, Chance. This means the reader gets a further glimpse into his childhood and find out why too and learn more about him. After this, Toni's ex tries to start a fight with him but he backs down, being the bigger man.

Pacing and flow: The flow of this chapter was good. The dialogue carried it well in the first half and then the action of the possible fight in the second.

POV and tense: I noticed one bit where the tense changed, I noted it below.

Characters: Here we learn about Micah's past and why he got his nickname. I think this bit was well done as it showed the reader what happened but you did it through a conversation rather than just telling.

This line really threw me from Toni:

“Sh*t,” he heard Antoinette say before she stood.

This felt really out of character for me. She comes across as a good girl and I've never heard her be anything other than polite.

Setting: This takes place at the prom. Give the reader more of a sense of scene and setting. What does it look like? Smell like? Sound like?

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

141

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#3960337

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 15"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: This chapter opens with the pictures being taken of Micah and Toni before the prom at her house. I think this opening gives great scope for letting the reader get to know her more and really show how she's feeling. For example, you write:

Her heart filled with joy.

You could try something like:

Her heart thrummed against her rib cage as she gazed on him. Am I really this lucky to have found the man of my dreams at sixteen? He smiled at him and she felt a flutter in her stomach.

They get into the limo and drive to the prom, sharing an intimate moment there even while her friends are there. I mention it below but I found that this shocked me a little, I wasn't expecting it. After this they head into the prom where he meets up with more of her friends and they get their photos taken. The story seems to progress in a logical order here. I have to say I'm really glad they're at the prom. I realise it's been a big subplot within your story and that's fine and for that reason, I understand why you wanted it to be stretched out a little but the previous chapters with Micah and Toni separately have been quite slow paced with much of the same worrying and concern. They felt quite repetitive and I think they could do with a lot of speeding up, or having other things going on on the run up to the prom.

Pacing and flow: The pacing of this chapter is okay. It keeps the story flowing well.

Characters: We find out in this chapter that Toni has braces and that it's something she's quite self conscious about. I have to say I felt sorry for her as I think this is quite a natural teenage worry and it felt right and fit her personality.

'She kissed him; let her tongue find his. '

I was a little shocked at this line. Their relationship seems to be quite formal by the way they talk and think about each other and this felt a little too intimate for them. The reader hasn't seen them kiss like this before.

Setting: We finally get to the prom here. You do give the reader some description about what it's like there but I think you could really help the reader see it and feel it through Micah's eyes.

Atmosphere and tone: There's a strong tone of romance here and perhaps even some desire. As I mentioned though, I'm not sure I felt qutie comfortable with that especially as their relationship has come across as quite formal or distant throughout. This kind of dropped the reader into a very private moment that wasn't expected and it really threw me.

What I liked:

This is a really great line, it shows how much their relationship means:

She stopped their walk and looked into his eyes. “You don’t know how good that makes me feel.” She pulled him down to her lips and kissed him.

General suggestions / A few parting comments...

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#3960319

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 14"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: With the start of this chapter the reader is back with Phillips as he travels in the back of a car with Van Rossum's goons. While I think this opening is okay you could really add something to make the reader feel his fear. You wrote:

He had an awful feeling about this. He was unnerved, frightened. His heart was racing, his breathing labored.

Try something like:

He looked to his left where Hannah loomed above him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the man's huge hands twitch and come to rest of the trigger of his gun. Swallowing hard, he turned away. His heart thumped deep in his chest, so loud he was sure the whole car could hear. He had an awful feeling about this. What's going to happen to me? He didn't think he could bear the answer.

After spending a time in the car he gets transported to a park where he sometimes spends time with his children and meets an old azquaintence there.

Pacing and flow: The pacing of this chapter is great. It keeps the story moving and the reader wondering. Well done!

POV and tense: This is well done too.

Characters:

Bradley Timmons - this is another character we meet here. It turns out Phillips has know him in the past and recalls this at the time.

Setting: This takes place both in the car and the theme park. I think the description given is good but you could add a little more to really paint the picture.

Atmosphere and tone: I would say fear, as Phillips is fearing for his life but he's also confused and quite dejected.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

143

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14 days may be credited.

#3960311

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 13"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: This chapter begins with Micah as he's on his way to pick up Toni for the prom. The reader gets to know quite a lot about the car, the background, the exact type of car and the comments the tollbooth workers make. I think that while some of this is fine, some of it was a little too much and could do with a re-read to think about what information the reader needs.

The second part of this chapter is when Micah and Toni finally come together and in that moment it seems like it was all worth it.

Pacing and flow: The first half of this chapter felt a little slow but I think that was more to do with the information overload about the car and his driving history as well as the roads he travelled on. You give the exact road number, for example, where I think saying the 'interstate' would have sufficed.

POV and tense: All good

Characters: Here Micah and Toni come together for the prom. It's a sweet moment and the reader can see how much they like each other. I would say that it would be good to let the reader see more of Micah's thoughts, emotions. Show them rather than tell them.

Setting: The setting of this piece changes and you deal with that well.

Atmosphere and tone: There is a tone of romance and young love here.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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144

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#3959863

Review of The Gift of Death **REVISED**

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I was looking for something to read when I came across this piece. The title and description fit well together and they made me want to come and read.

Storyline: This is a short story which follows an old man as he's lost in his thoughts and grief. He wishes for death but when Death finally comes and he welcomes him with open arms, Death retreats. It's an interesting concept. I think you could really bring this to life if you show the reader a little more. For example, rather than telling the reader that Emily found out about his affair, show them. Show them the scene as the man remembers it.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed quite well throughout and moved at a good pace.

POV and tense: This is written in the third person point of view. This works fine but show the reader some of the old man's thoughts and emotions as he remembers things. It's written in the past tense and I just noticed one little slip up that interrupted the flow.

Characters: The old man is the main character here. He comes across as a nice old man, despite the fact that he lied to and cheated on his wife for sixty years. He repents his sins and simply wants to fade away. I do feel a little sorry for him.

A few line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

145

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#3959846

Review of Possession

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey I was looking for something to read when I came across this piece. It was the description that pulled me in because I really enjoy reading supernatural pieces.

Storyline: In this story we see two friends talking about journalling, their experiences of doing so and how one of the people is experiencing something else while writing. It's an interesting concept.

Pacing and flow: The pace moves at a good pace for this piece.

Characters: Here I know there are at least two characters but there could be more. As this is all dialogue the reader in unsure who is talking. In this sense it means the characters are just voices in the air and so the reader will find it very hard to identify with them. I think you need to add some narrative around this in order to really show the character who is talking and why and give them a sense of the personalities.

Setting: I have no idea where this takes place. Try to include some information about the setting so the reader knows when and where this takes place. It will help ground the story.

Dialogue: This short story is comprised completely of dialogue. The conversation itself flows well and feels natural as if it was two friends speaking.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

146

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#3959673

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 12"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: This is the chapter where Micah is just about to leave for his prom. He's worrying again and when he gets downstairs he's surrounded by a group of women, family and neighbours, who all want a picture of him. I thought this was a little intense in a way but then perhaps they are a close knit community.

Pacing and flow: I felt this was a slower chapter. I'm still waiting for Micah to get to the prom and I feel like, at chapter twelve when he's still not there, it's being dragged out a little. I have to wonder why.

POV and tense: I caught a few slips of tense within this chapter. You write it in the past tense which is fine and it works well but on occasion I notice the way something is written that brings it into the present. It disrupts the flow of the story for the reader.

Characters: Micah is the centre of attention in this chapter!

'He took a quick glance around the room, trying to delay what was to come. '

Use this as a base and really show the reader how he feels. Why is he trying to delay it? Is he nervous, anxious, apprehensive? What are his physical symptoms? Is he sweating? How's his stomach?

Setting: This all takes place in Micah's home. We get a sense of it being a little small with all those people there.

Atmosphere and tone: Anxiety over the upcoming event.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

147

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14 days may be credited.

#3959669

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 11"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: This chapter starts back with Micah as he's getting ready for the prom. He struggles with his bowtie and his sister Veronica comes in to help. The chapter then switches back to Phillips' office. Here again I'd suggest using *** to make it clearer to the reader. The toughs take the files and Phillips with them when they leave.

Pacing and flow: This chapter was a bit more paced and worked well for the information and subjects it focused on. I think in particular the second part worked well and read as it should have.

Characters: One thing I would say here with Phillips, is that he's almost certain he's not going to survive whatever is coming next. Show the reader his fear. Show them the internal thoughts he has and the physical reactions. He must be terrified, who wouldn't be? Unarmed and vulnerable. Really help the reader see it. For example, you write:

He quietly followed the shorter of the two Van Rossum employees out to the parking lot.

You could have something like:

He quietly followed the shorter of the two Van Rossum employees out to the parking lot. His mind worked overtime, thinking of something anything. He had to get out. The goons walked just ahead of him, dumb and dumber. He eyed them. He knew he couldn't take them, not both of them without a weapon. His eyes darted to the left. A way out? His legs braced and muscles in his arms tensed. He was about to take off and leave them with his dust when they both turned to face him.

"Get in the car," Hannah ordered.

Setting: The setting of this changes between Micah's room and Phillip's office. Again I'd suggest just adding a little more description in. Show the reader what sort of places these characters spend their time in, it'll show more about their personality.

Atmosphere and tone: Here I felt like I wanted to be more scared for Phillips. He feels like he's facing death but at the minute I don't see any fear or apprehension.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

148

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14 days may be credited.

#3959664

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 10"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: Hey I'm back with my next review! I've spruced up my template a little so you may notice some changes but it might be a little easier for you when you read it

Storyline: The chapter starts out with Kiliaen sitting in his office and going over the reports. He's concerned about a family painting that has gone missing and hopes the reports Phillips has done will shed some light.

This chapter then switches to Phillips himself. I'd suggest putting *** in here to make it clear to the reader that there's a change. Phillips is in his office too and looking at the lists he should have given to Kiliaen but didn't and wondering why a name is bothering him so much.

Pacing and flow: The pace of this chapter is quite slow. There isn't a lot of action as both men are sitting in their offices sitting and reading. I think the long-winded description of the painting was a bit too much too. Re read it and ask yourself, does the reader need to know all of that?

POV and tense: This is written in the third person past tense point of view. It follows two characters separately here.

Characters: We don't really learn a lot more about the characters in this chapter, although the reader is coming to realise just how ruthless Phillips really is.

Setting: Both parts of this chapter take place in offices. Help the reader see them. I'm not really sure what they look like, feel like, smell like.

Dialogue: There's not an awful lot of dialogue in this chapter and while that's okay, I think having more dialogue would help increase the pace.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

149

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#3959127

Review of A Friend Offering Second Chances

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Yellow, I wanted to come and return the review you did for me. I chose this piece because the title stood out to me but the description really intrigued me. It made me wonder what challenge this was. I suggest maybe posting a link to it at the bottom of your item if you can so the reader could check it out.

Storyline: To me this reads like a letter to a friend, one that intends to bring your friend out of a bad place and into the light. If this is the case I might suggest adding at the start, 'Dear... ' just to clarify. Perhaps also changing the item type from other to letter.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well throughout.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece was quite sad because it reflected the feelings that the friend was having but the narrator never gives up on that friend and does everything possible to bring the friend around.

{dropnote:"Line by line suggestions:"}

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear and any comments will be in orange

What if it were me, you would do all you could to help?

What if it were me? You would do all you could to help.
Here I just think I'd change the sentence around a little because it didn't feel like the question mark should be at the end.

A don't want to see you cry any longer.

I don't want to see you cry any longer.
I think this should be 'I'.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

150

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#3959124

Review of A Narrow Escape.

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey, I wanted to return the review you did for me. I tend to prefer fiction so I had a spy in your 55 word story folder and I saw this one. The title was quite catching and suggested a lot of action.

Storyline: In this, Sergeant Steve leaves his office and, sensing danger, checks under his car.

Pacing and flow: There was quite a bit of tension in this for such a short piece and it worked well.

Characters: This story focused on Sergeant Steve as he did something he probably did everyday but it gave the reader a good glimpse of his character and how he reacts to things, specifically that he follows his instincts.

Atmosphere and tone: As I mentioned there was quite a bit of tension in this piece which made me want to know what would happen and when and how!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .