Review: Part One: First Love and Heartbreak
First, I'd like to thank you for reading and reviewing an entry in my portfolio – although, I'm not at all sure whether you liked it or not. I also read other reviews you've given and found them all extremely short. Please, don't take offense at this. In fact, I was guilty of similar short and rather generic reviews. I was apprehensive about reviewing people's work. After all, what gave me the right, or even the ability to evaluate anyone else?
The truth is (and I just said this to my writing group last week), we give each other permission to review submissions. So, I'm asking you to take the chance and comment on different aspects of the piece – both the good and not so good.
One of the best ways to improve your writing is by reviewing other peoples' works!
Before I begin the actual review, I want to tell you how much I admire you for joining our group because you want to learn to be a better writer. Good for you!
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that English is not your first language. Don't panic. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just you need to work on some things you mightn't have considered before. Currently, your sentence structure is very awkward – which is probably because of this. Unfortunately, English is my first and only language, so I don't know whether you've discussed verb tense, point of view, or adverbs and adjective placement.
You begin your story using were and was, which indicates 'past tense'. Then in the third paragraph (from now on para) you change to present tense – indicated by tells, refuses, and asks. I know it's hard, but you need to pick a tense and stay with it. Although, I do think it's okay here.
Another rule (I know, I hate rules, too) is to pick a point of view and stick with it. The easy way to remember this is 'You can only be in one person's head at a time. However, you can change your POV by beginning a new scene or chapter, Try and remember that your character can only know what is in their own head. (I believe I have an example somewhere of this – that I did to finally 'get' POV – but I might have to wait a week or so. Right now I'm only able to use a laptop that's pulled up to within six inches of my nose. But, I'm having a second cataract operation next week. So, I should be able to use my desk computer the week after that.)
Lastly, you always want to put your best foot forward, because there are editors, agents, and published authors on the site, And, they are all less likely to read and review something that is badly formatted. If you have WORD turn on the formatting symbols, as well as the grammar and spelling flags. I'm pretty sure that other document programs have these options.
I believe that perhaps the best way I can help you is to redo your story in a much abbreviated form. This way you can understand some of what I'm saying. Notice I said 'some'. No one expects you to get everything all at once. And, this is certainly not meant to put you down in any way.
Part One
First Love and Heartbreak
(Although, this might be the whole story)
Anne and Sam told each other everything. They had been best friends since childhood. They were always together, since they not only went to the same school, but lived next door to one another, as well. However, one thing Anne had never told Sam was that she loved him, convinced it would ruin their relationship.
Then on Anne's fifteenth birthday, Sam called her at midnight and told her, "Anne, I'm waiting on your terrace. Please come out and meet me."
This surprised Anne, but still she agreed to meet him. "Sam," she began as soon as she caught sight him, "has something happened? What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong. I just want to talk to you."
"Why would you call me at this time of night? You frightened me. What can be so important?"
"I need to tell you something. But, first I want you to close your eyes." When she hesitated, he said, "Go on. Close your eyes. Please." It took him a few minutes, so he continued to remind her, "Remember no peeking, now."
"What are you doing?" Anne asked.
Finally, Sam said, "All right. You can open your eyes."
Anne opened her eyes to find her favorite cake, adorned with a blazing candle. "Oh my God! You remembered my birthday. You've never done that before!"
"Oh, I remembered. I just wasn't ready to tell you something."
Anne turned to look him in the eye and asked, "What could possibly not wait until morning?"
Grasping her hands in his, he whispered, "Because I couldn't wait until tomorrow. I couldn't wait another moment. The truth is 'I love you'."
Blinking back tears, she asked, "What?"
"I said 'I love you', and I want to be with you forever."
"Don't tease me, Sam. This isn't something to joke about."
"I swear, Anne. I'm not teasing."
Suddenly a stricken look passed over Sam's face, (Because I'm writing from Anne's POV I can see Sam's face. However, if was writing this from Sam's POV he would have to feel something – say he felt nauseous – since he can't see his face unless he's looking in a mirror. Make sense?) In an attempt to calm him, she said, "It's all right, Sam."
"Don't you like me?" But when she failed to answer him immediately, he told her, "I really need to know. So just tell me, 'yes' or 'no'."
"Yes," she whispered. She hugged him, and added, "The truth is I like you very much. In fact, I love you too."
Sam hugged her back and told her, "I love you so much and promise I'll never leave you." He kissed her cheek and asked, "Can you promise me the same. Can you say you'll never leave me?"
"Oh, yes."
*****
For years, they had talked about attending the same college. But, as their last year of high school was coming to an end, Anne found out she would be going to an all girl school. While this disappointed them both, the colleges were in their home city and knew they would still see each other every day. (This para is doing some back story dumping. Accepted ways of doing this is through conversation, memories, or flashbacks. But sometimes you just have to resort to the dump!)
And, at first, it was just as they'd said it would be. They studied together and spoke on the phone several times a day. But gradually, Anne started to feel Sam was pulling away from her. She'd expected him to make new friends. But, now he seemed to want to spend time with them. Time he used to spend with her.
But she'd made lots of new friends too.
Still …
Before, he had always answered her calls. Now, they often went unanswered. Yet, when he asked him about it, he just insisted he'd been busy with some school work.
One afternoon Anne arrived for a class, only to find a note on the blackboard saying class was cancelled. Great! I can spend some extra time with Sam, she thought, as she dialed his number. When he answered she greeted him with a joyful, "Hi!"
But he only said, "I can't talk right now. I'm busy." Then he hung up.
At first she thought he might not have realized who had called him. So she dialed him again. But, this time he didn't answer. She called several more times, only to have it go to voice mail.
Hurt and confused, all Anne could think about was getting home and her own room. When she reached home, her mother called out to her, "Anne, you're home very early today. Are you feeling well?"
"Yes, Mama. I just have more homework today."
"But, you came home alone. Where's Sam?"
"Still in class, I guess. Now, please let me work."
Later the evening Sam arrived. "I need to talk to Anne."
"She's been working ever since she arrived home. Why, she didn't even stop for dinner."
"Please, I must see her – talk to her."
Anne had not been working. She'd been crying into her pillow and doing her best not to attract attention. But at the sound of Sam's voice, she'd gone to the door and opened it a crack.
"You don't understand. I hung up on her earlier. It was a mistake. A friend snatched my phone and disconnected us. Then they wouldn't give it to me. And once I got it back I had another class. I'd have come then, but I had an appointment with my advisor."
"Anne, please answer me. Sam is very upset and wants to talk to you," her mother called to her as she rapped sharply on the door.
"Well, I'm upset too."
"Anne," her mother said, "Sam is here to explain what happened this afternoon. Now, come out and speak to him, right now."
Anne opened her door to find Sam standing in the hallway. Before he could get a word out, she turned on him. "What was so important you couldn't take my phone call?"
"I just told your mother, a friend thought keeping me from answering my phone was a good joke. I told them it wasn't. And when I was able to call you back, you wouldn't answer me."
"I want to believe you. Truly I do. But you've changed. I'm not even sure you still love me."
"I do, Anne. I love you more than ever."
They spoke late into the night, and in the end, Anne gave in. He'd been a part of her life for so long.
Things seemed to go back to normal. And after two or three weeks Anne relaxed. Sam continually called and spent a lot of time with her.
Then one of her new friends, whose boyfriend attended the same college as Sam, told her about a festival being held there. "It's going to be amazing. You'll come with us, won't you, Anne?"
"Oh, yes. I'd enjoy that." She was reaching for her phone, when she stopped. Trust was so important to a relationship. So, she decided to call him later, once they'd arrived.
After they'd parked the car, her friend said, "Everything is supposed to be in the Student Union building. Luckily, I know where that is. Otherwise we might wander around here for hours."
Giggling, Anne said, "If we did that, we'd miss the whole thing."" Then she pulled out her phone and dialed Sam's number. "Sam," she said, still giggling, "where are you?"
"I'm in the cafeteria with some friends. I can't talk now. I'll call you later."
"Let's go into the cafeteria," Anne said, thinking how surprised Sam would be when he saw her.
But it was she who was surprised. For when she found Sam, he was sitting beside a girl, holding her hand. Then just as she came into his view, the strange girl kissed Sam. Anne said nothing. Instead she just turned and ran out of the cafeteria.
"Anne! Anne," her girlfriend called out.
Anne doesn't stop running. Not even when she heard Sam's voice calling her name. She doesn't wait for her friends. She finds the nearest bus stop and goes home, struggling not to cry.
The house is dark when she got there. She'd forgotten her mom was going to the movies with a friend. 'Good,' she thought. 'I don't want to talk to anyone.'
She went to her room in darkness, kicked her shoes across the room and threw herself across the bed, sobbing. All her life she'd heard how one's heart could break. But, she'd never believed it. It was just something people hurt by love said. At least she hadn't before she saw Sam with that other girl. Now she understood. Now she felt the awful pain – the true agony of heartbreak.
At first, she let her phone just ring. Then she answered it, in case it was her mother calling. However, once she heard Sam's voice she hung up. After that she didn't answer. And when it continued to ring she turned it off.
But that didn't keep Sam away. He was soon pounding on her front door. She didn't want to answer it, but didn't want the neighbors to call the police, either.
So, she dragged herself up from the bed and out to the living room. "Stop banging on the door, Sam. Just turn around and go away."
"Anne, let me in. I want to talk to you."
"Go away, Sam."
"You'd better let me in, because I'm not going away."
Hurt had somehow morphed into anger, and Anne let go with both guns even before the door was all the way open. "What is so important for you to say?" she asked with a scowl.
"Please Anne," Sam pleaded, "give me a chance to explain. I still love you. I love you very much."
"Who are you lying to, Sam? Me, or yourself? You may have loved me once. But you don't anymore. So just go away. I don't want to ever see your face again."
Without another word, Sam did as she'd asked and went away. And, as she closed and locked the door behind him, she thought, 'I've not only lost the love of my life. I've lost my best friend, as well.
'I swear I'll never love anyone again. It just isn't worth the pain.'
End of Part One
I bet you thought I'd never shut up. But, after a whole day of working on this, I have just a few more things to say.
There are lots of punctuation errors in this. Sometimes you don't even have punctuation. You also repeat words often. And, you also have a tendency to reverse pronouns or omit words.
I've thrown a lot at you and believe (and this is only my opinion!) the best way for you to understand this is to take the time to redo this, in your own words, while thinking about stuff I've mentioned.
And finally, as with all reviews, take what you can use and leave the rest behind.
Good luck, JoDe
PS: And be sure to let me know when and if you do take another try.
PPS: I did this in word and just noticed some of the formatting changed when I pasted this here. I'd hoped the para indents had come through, because I think it would make the conversations easier. JoDe
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