Hi, Katie. I see you are fairly new here and have an item up for review. I will look it over for you.
First off, let me set some ground rules I go by. You need to realize that this is your work and yours alone. Whatever I or any other reviewer suggest is only that, suggestions. You are the author and all final decisions are yours to make. Perhaps I might suggest an item that will work for you. If so, please use it. It might be I am only blowing smoke up my @$$. If so, toss what I say into the nearest trashcan. I will honestly do the best I can do. Sometimes I have found that I need to look over two or three items a person has written so I can get an understanding of their style. Then my reviews make a sharp turn upward on the Bell Curve. With that understanding, here we go.
But I didn't know you would kiss her like that. But you put me on the spot. But you knew I would say okay. But you've been smirking ever since.
This line consists of thoughts she had. In that case you should italicize the sentence. Also, four sentences start with 'but'. Might want to toss in a little variety.
It won't happen again, just don't tell, he had said finally.
Needs quotation marks before It and after tell.
I nodded, and I started the car, and I drove away.
Get rid of the ands and the second and third "I". I nodded, started the car and drove away.
When the tale starts, Name wants to join in a game of spin the bottle. Was the girl in this game? If so, the reader needs to know. If she was, she was kissing others the same as Name did.
The murder needs to be staged differently or the police will know at first glance it was not a suicide. When a person shoots themselves, the gun falls out of the hand. She needs to find a way to make certain there is gunpowder residue on Name's hand. If it held the weapon, it would have powder on it. It sounds as if the shot was to the side of the head and not thru the mouth. If this is the case, there will be marks were the barrel of the pistol was against the head. When a person commits suicide, the gun is not held a foot or two away, but generally touches the body. His fingerprints need to be not only on the weapon, but also on the bullets placed in the clip or cylinder. Hers should be nowhere on it.
I understand that Name is an ass, but you may want to go into a little more detail into his assholiness.
He makes out with another girl in front of her, (spin the bottle) and he hits her. What other abuses? Does he talk bad about her in front of her friends? Is he also emotionally abusive? Give instances. You want to make the reader absolutely detest Name and sympathize with her. They should want to kill Name themselves.
I would suggest you go into some detail about the planning of the murder. Write about how she and Molly eventually come around to the decision that Name has to go. How did she come by the gun? Why is it that Molly is so dear a friend that she chances being charged as an accessory to murder? Give a little history of the two of them.
As an alibi, Molly is going to say they were taking a cross country trip and the two of them left hours ago. The police love alibis like that, they are so simple to break. You may consider Molly taking the car, and using one of the girls credit cards or debit card, filling the tank up only a few minutes before the killing takes place, in a town at least thirty miles away. If the two girls have a similar build, Molly may want to wear one of the girl's dresses, and not showing her face, fill up the car with gas. Then she comes back and gets the girl. This would be evidence the girl was somewhere else when the event happened. Still not ironclad, but stronger than the original alibi.
Overall, I would say you are off to a good start. There is potential here. I am curious as if this is your first draft of if you have gone over it a few times. When I write a story for the first time, I go back and review it and I am shocked about how many typos and misspellings I make. I go over it sometimes eight or nine times, and each time I find goofs. Once I read it and think I have it flawless, I post it and ask for reviews. People come back at me with all sorts of things I did wrong. I do not let it get to me. I read and think about each comment. Often times I toss them away as a waste of time, but every now and then, I find a diamond buried in all the suggestions. I take it and make improvements. I tell you this to let you know that is the way reviews here work. I hope you continue with this work. When you make changes, if you make changes, let me know and I will return and edit it again. Then again, if you do not like what I way, tell me to take a hike. Believe me when I tell you that you will not be ther first one to tell me that. From what I have read, I believe you have a great story in the making. I look forward to reading the next installment. I you want, drop me an email and I will look over any rewrites or new chapters.
Happy writing,
John |