Okay you have a good idea but you're telling the audience everything.
Finally Alina woke up
Alina's eyes shot open.the name "Damon" shot from her mouth in the darkness. She pressed a hand against her sweaty forehead.
Is more effective and shows how intense the dream was. you have talent you just need to round out your game
In your first paragraph. Kent advocated the pursuit of knowledge and approved of Laresn buried up to her nose in the ancient tome. or something like that. the word book appears too many times. Your dialogue is solid but you might want to include some actions and a couple of tags to spice it up a little. other than that it's a solid effort.
And because I'm shameless check out scald crow or some other nonsense in my port
Okay I am going to give you some dialogue advice. If you wouldn't say it, don't write it. This dialogue is a series of things no sane person would say. If that sounds harsh, I'm sorry. I can't buy the romance, and maybe it's my preference getting in the way. I tend to like deep emotion, we only see whats on the surface. The scene needs more to be effective, and crisper dialogue
No offense but the story is hard to follow and some parts seem to be missing, Have you considered putting it all in one document. I have never reviewed an interactive so this might be a bit choppy. Number one add more to the characters you introduced. For instance, the Server looked extremely frazzled, could be, A barmaid with matted hair and sullen posture approached, "What can I get you?" Her less than enthusiastic tone did not inspire confidence in the occupants of the table. Remember we want the reader to feel the waitresses tiredness.
I'd make the first paragraph a bit more impactful.
She saw the explosion takes all tension out of the hook. A loud boom shattered the fragile tranquility of the roof. Clouds of smoke hovered in the distance and plumes of flame flickered ominously below the the thick grey veil
The first line needs work. Take out heard the rain and replace it with. The pitter patter of droplets splashed against the window. Detective Morgan's body eased a little further in the comfortable chair and let out a relaxed sigh... Or something like that
THis is a bit of mess, rough draft or no, its jarring to read.
Separate the lines
Like this to make it easier to read
or
Use indents to show the start of new paragraph.
As this is written in first person the word I is unavoidable. Your job is make the reader feel like the main character.
I looked back at the bar
Could easily become
The back of the bar was filled with frowns and fists smacking open palms all because of a stupid bet, one that cost me a great deal I might add.
Don't forget your job is to have your character connect with your audience as fast as possible.
Listen dude why don't you do an interview with your main character, get to know him think of how he would respond to your questions it helps clarify your characters attitude and quirks.
Okay you are new so here is few things
"Dialogue should be a new paragraph"
"For each new speaker" it's easier to read
Don't tell me how rich she is. Show me.
Make smaller paragraphs and only give the reader what they need to know.
What is your deal with telekinectically? Her mind touched the light switch with reluctance and turned it on. Her eyes filled with fury at the sight of Carl. The closest thing to pussy he's gotten is the neighbours cat. Clearly he wants teo to join the club
Sorry had to have some fun with it. No its fine not too descriptive. Its awkward because annette knows the moment can pass at any instant. Its tasteful and looks good except for that one part
While its great that you did an alright job your first time out, I would make the following suggestions.
1. don't bother describing the main character. Do it through his interactions with the world.
2. Let people get to know the main character through the story
3. Try not to date your story.
you have some talent it just needs to be refined.
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You know Silverbolt is missing the people reactions to him. I really like how you handled Annettes appearance in the main area. It gives her the elevated status without over hyping her.
I got some good ideas as to how to explain how Silverbolt got his powers. I like the mechanics of how they work simple and easy to understand. You make three big bags the amarock the artic version of hellhounds, or the waheela, both excellent inuit legends. You could make the amarock a humanoid type. Where as the waheela are not bear like. Black shuck is another good legend to play with. If you do the research the myth has some basis in truth they found a skeleton outside the Abby where it attacked. The gulon from Russia is a great myth to work with
Thank for enetering this in the contest. I was beginning to think people missed the point of it. You bring the murder and mayhem in a tense blend that works. Once again thank god for your entry
That being said, criticism allows us to see the uncomfortable truths about ourselves, we may not exist or avoid because we are uncomfortable. Yet discomfort promotes growth
I really like the struggle. I dig the romance. Some dialogue and some scenes showing the main character wrangling kids. And being talked down to, and the epic first meet between her and chrys would make this so much better
The obvious way to expand is focus on the dating relationship, and the agonizing decision between love and her dreams. Sometimes we cling to the past out of fear we can't do better. Have her current boyfriend dragging her down because he thinks college is for partying. You could do a lot with this.
Now here is where I offer a style choice that will bring intensity and drama to the situation. For the record I don't think your work sucks. Toss out the part with the parents and focus on this new relationship. Was this person someone she had unrequited love for? If so how will that affect her decisions. Did they agree once they reached college to call it quits? are her parents overbearing and having trouble letting go?
Before you read I am offering a style choice. Not stepping on your work.
You did great world building. But I think the part where the mom died needs more oomph.
This is an emotionally charged scene. Losing a mother is devastating to a thirteen year old. It's not the death that gets everyone its the moments they won't be there for. Its especially significant if your main is a girl. The dad is pitch perfect, but again I don't feel his devastation.
"Death does funny things to parents. Some wallow in their loss. Others smother their children out of fear of losing them. My dad chose door number two.
Our relationship was strained, a shadow of what it once was. I was a seedling dying to reach the heights of my peers. I couldn't do that with my dad's shadow stealing the much needed sun to allow me.
Something like that could really give character empathy while showing the dramatic shift in the relationship.
I ascribe to the Five hundred word theory. Sit down write five hundred words. Once you reach five hundred walk away. If get two feet from that chair and all I can think about is what happens next then I sit down and go hard. If I walk away and I flip flop on it, I'll try another hundred or so words see if it pulls me. If I don't feel like I have to be in front of the screen mashing the keyboard its tossed.
I do this because 500-600 words really isn't all that much to lose. In a novel its a drop in the bucket. You don't feel bad because you put thousands of words behind a plot that wasn't destined to work out and it also exercises your creativity. But that's my process
Here's my thing with defining moments make them shine like nobodies business for two reasons it changes the status quo for a story and informs the characters for the rest of the story. Your kiss is a defining moment. You give it shine but your female readers are going to expect more from it.
Their kiss stretched into eternity, their passion consumed every fiber of their being. For ten brief seconds there was no you and I, but we. They belonged it was undeniable, unavoidable, inevitable...
However this is style choice and the best I can come up with off the top of my head
Here is my thing. Your names while different throw me a little. I am not saying it's a bad thing, but some are so unique my brain picks them out of your paragraphs before I read what you need me too. Bear in mind it may be unique to me. Use unique names for your main characters, and use more pedestrian ones for throw aways or supporting. So when I see their names I know who is supposed to be leading the scene.
And since I am shameless check out some Silverbolt Shine or catch a terrible with mistress magenta or buster Heyman
Okay I like where this is going. I am guess this guy leads to the fame she never wished for. It has nice pull, and the scene is described as the character moves. I can't wait to see how it ends.
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