I liked it and experienced a happy little shock at the Anberlin reference. I'd change the order in one or two places, but I think it would be more of a personal choice and everything works and is fine as you have it. High five on completing your novel!
I'm not really a fan of haiku. I found that your word usage made following and understanding these haiku difficult, even for the standard difficulty of haiku reading.
Hi, I liked it, not bad for 55 words.
Hope faded away from his world. --consider taking away out of this sentence, it would read:
Hope faded from his world, I think this is better. Also, ignore this if you want, but I think it would be better to say "Have I lived in a world of paper bonds?" Instead of a world with paper bonds. Sounds more epic. Again, not bad for so short a length. Keep writing.
Interesting poem, a lot of your rhymes sound forced and the rhythm is kind of chaotic at points. I really prefer to write free verse because I feel that attempting to fit a rhyme scheme can really limit a writer, have you considered writing free verse poetry? I haven't read anything else by you to see if you have tried free verse already, so sorry if that's the case. I like the idea of the poem, witches get a bad rap. I went to catholic school for second and third grade, religiousy teachers suck. Religion class...*cringes.*
Keep writing, good luck.
The first quatrain suggests a rhyming theme that is reflected off and on throughout the piece so I'm wondering if you are taking liberties with rhymes based on odd pronunciation. I like some of it besides the off rhymes.
Hey, I like it. I think the last bit of this one could be improved too, here's my attempt.
take me in your arms again
kiss me forever and never stop
I love you,
I will love you always and forever
I like this, the last line could be changed I can't properly say what's wrong with it but maybe you could split it to:
You give me a smile that makes me smile.
You kiss me once more then leave
I stand there, awaiting your return
This is scarily like how I feel about someone right now, you captured the feeling pretty well and I've actually considered telling her on graduation day. Nice job.
Ok, the first bit, before the storytelling begins, is amazing. I love your writing style, I reminded myself to look for things that could be improved every now and then so I may have missed some things. I'll reread this tomorrow and see if I find anything else but first response is open jawed appreciation.
There was one line:
She winked, and set the turkey on the table, amidst cheers.
You could say amidst a chorus of cheers instead, I feel that would help it flow better. I'm not sure if the comma is necessary.
Small edit, I know, I don't see much that needs improvement. I feel like the first half (before the storytelling began) was better written but the second half was still good. Maybe you're changing styles for the character writing not the narrator, just guessing. It's almost 2 in the morning so I'll reread it tomorrow to see if there's anything else I could offer advice on. Anyway, excellent job, Please keep sharing-- the p was intentionally incorrectly capitalized.
Jonny
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jonnyb893
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:02pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
