Beautifully written, just enough description to allow me to picture the scene, but not over done. I have never seen a zombie piece (if that is what they are) set in a time other than the present. It adds a nice twist to it. I would love to read the other chapters to learn more of this place and find what is happening.
Just a couple of grammatical issues:
“Please help me.” she begged. -- first period should be a comma.
“Stay away.” he begged in reply. -- first period should be a comma.
As a parent (and probably most other parents as well), I can definitely sympathize with the characters in this story. I was curious as to how the people around them responded. What shocked me the most though was the way that Cisco was disciplined. I did not see this coming and don't think that I could do this as a parent, but it puts a nice unforeseen twist on the story and makes it even more humorous. I was curious, were the three adults feeling anything else besides the fact that they were laughing at Cisco (or trying not to)? Were they anxious about what others around them might think? Were they embarrassed by his behavior as well? It would help to add even more dimensions to the read if they were experiences a multitude of emotions in this instance.
Just a couple of grammatical fixes:
-- “Sure. That sounds good and will give us more time to decide what to order.” Mom replied. -- should have a comma after "order" instead of the period.
-- “f***.” He said very matter of fact, it was actually pretty funny but of course I dared not laugh. -- I think that there should again be a comma after "f***" instead of the period and maybe make the second part of the sentence starting at "it was actually..." a separate sentence all together.
Ok, I want to know more. Where did they all go. Is it speaking to the fact that they are nothing due to their sameness now? It definitely kept me reading to find out what was happening.
The only time I felt jarred out of the narrative is when there was a description of a person, such as Jabe's wife. It seemed to bring the story to a stop and then we picked it back up after that was out of the way. It may flow better if we are revealed pieces of the individuals characteristics by actions that they perform, such as "she tried to push her hair behind her ear, but the curls that held it together kept pushing back out." That may be kind of weak, but I hope you get the idea.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:44am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "