A Port Raider's Review
Note on rating/reviewing style: I review as I go along, making comments, suggestions, corrections, so they will all be in the order that I found them. For rating, I rate purely on technical the first time around; my comments will let you know how I FEEL about the piece. Should you receive a low rating from me, feel free to email me for a reread and re-rate if you make any changes/corrections - I won't be irritated. lol
If I give you 1 star, I do not mean it to be derogatory. This does not mean "throw the piece away". It purely means that your piece needs a lot of work, in my opinion. As for 5 stars, I very seldom give them out - I reserve them solely for those pieces that fall into place for me in all ways, the "as close to perfect as humanly possible" ones.
Comments
 I suggest separating your paragraphs with a space for easier reading online. Also, keep in mind that paragraphs as long as you have might fill up an entire page once in print. You might try going through the long paragraphs and see where you can break them up into smaller sections.
Example from opening paragraph:
With another groan he shifted to the left advancing toward the telephone as it rang for a second time.
(paragraph break)
Now Stephen wasn't necessarily out of shape, that would actually be far from the truth...He was only in bed an hour as he had enjoyed a night out on the town.
(paragraph break)
There were three things Stephen truly loved in this world: literature, alcohol, and women.
The phone conversation between Stephen and Mark Bennfield feels contrived. I had a hard time believing it - Bennfield, as a morgue attendant, would be more professional. He would not, in my mind, berate a person who has just been told that a family member died. In reality, this kind of demeanor would get him fired.
Okay - I decided to stop reviewing and just read the story. It has the potential to be a great read, but I see a few issues with it. Remember, this is all opinion:
The purpose of character development is to get a reader interested in your main character(s). You want the reader to care what happens to them. The problem is, I didn't get a solid idea of who Stephen OR Mark are, so didn't care about what happened at the end. You've got to take the time to introduce your characters - in one way or another - and let the reader develop a connection. This includes the friendship between them. They start out cussing each other out on the phone - and that's basically what they continue to do. However, at the end you have Mark thinking that Stephen was his best friend. You might want to spend a little time between them meeting and the ending, building on their relationship so that the reader gets a good idea of how Mark is feeling.
The main problem that I saw throughout is that none of it seemed real to me. While reading the description of the mansion, I saw the part where the walls were covered in crystal - I understand that this isn't meant to be a "real-life" story, but there is a thing called "suspension of disbelief" that all authors aspire to. "Suspension of disbelief" is when you read fiction, KNOW it's fiction, but can still see the possibility of the occurrences actually happening. This is possible no matter what the genre. If something is TOO outside the "suspension of disbelief" area, like a mansion's walls being completely covered in crystal, it pulls the reader out of the story. You, as an author, have to make the reader believe that whatever is happening in your story is possible and believable.
Okay - last thing. I said before, this story has potential. Let me add that I can see that you have talent, but I believe that it is generally untrained. With more practice and knowledge, you could be an excellent author - which is why I spent the time with the paragraphs above. I will definitely keep an eye on your portfolio to watch you grow. I can't wait to see how good you get!
Now - these are articles that I wrote, but, since I'm not selling them, this isn't advertisement. They might help you get an idea of the kind of things I'm talking about. Those that have read them said they helped.
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In case you decide you would like to read them, I will send you an email shortly with the passkey so you can unlock them.
Corrections
 After six rings(comma) each spaced three seconds apart(comma) Stephen rest his hand on the receiver, sighed in annoyance, then lifted it.
He thought me so much as a child.
This does not make sense. Do you mean "He thought of me as his child?"
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I've never had a good understanding about the rules of poetry. I'm old school - rhyme, rhythm, etc. In this poem, you have a small bit of punctuation, but only one period. My suggestion - take it or leave it, of course - is that you either get rid of the period and turn the next part of that line into another line, or use more punctuation.
Just an example, just an example.