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Review by Trebor Cahne
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! WoW! WOW! Absolutely spectacular!

You say this was inspired by a bad dream and I must tell you, your translation of that is masterfully done. The story began a little slow - not at all a bad thing, especially in this instance - but like a snowball rolling, as you gained speed you really built emotion! I've been lucky enough to come across several works at WDC that are rivers of feeling, yours included.

Your content / plot doesn't need any assistance and you did a fabulous job of introducing, then developing your characters. All I can suggest is that you do a little finish editing. You've got a few blips, here and there - nothing big, just tiny stuff. I've listed some points for you, but there are others - hunt 'em down! *Smile*

I would have preferred to stay at home, but I had an obligation with my friend and with myself. - I think this would read better as, "I would have preferred to stay at home, but I was obligated to my friend and to myself."

Sobs and yells, along with whispers permeated the otherwise silent graveyard. - Great sentence. Really liked the contrast of sobs/yells against whispers, and that against the graveyard. Deep. Common perhaps, but deep of you to notice.

A knot formed up my throat. - I think you may have meant, "A knot formed IN my throat," or, "A knot ROSE up my throat." Either would be fine.

"Thank you..." he said to me smiling softly, the bags under his eyes showing signs of exhaustion and crying, the last smile I would ever see from him. - Chilling. This is a gripping line - the reader knows some serious stuff is about to go down.

and I understood him, he did not wanted to be another worry for them. - Tiny grammatical errors can steal the zip from your story, here, "and I understood him; he did not WANT to be another worry for them."

I opened the door and stayed there petrified. My friend was dying. - This needs a tiny change, but it's an incredible pair of sentences. "I opened the door and STOOD there petrified - my friend was dying!" You could leave it as two sentences, but this might make the idea more intense.

There were a few more things I wanted to point out, but I feel this is going too long. If you would like any assistance making this little fixes, please tell me. I would be glad to help! Again, wonderful work!


In honor of my anonymous benefactor.
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