In the second paragraph, second sentence, I think the word "clear" should be eliminated.
In the fourth paragraph I think you could eliminate the word "wherein". The sentence is just as strong if you simply use "where".
Keep Writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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Good story, Xander! Alice is my real name also. "Kat" is a nickname that I picked up along the way. As I read your story, this Alice reminded me of myself at one time in my life. I had such an apartment and was working and going to school. I could really understand how terrified your main character must have felt.
You've told the story well. I like short stories with only one or two characters in a critical situation. I also liked your description of Alice's life and her apartment and surroundings.
I saw no punctuation or grammatical errors. Keep up the good work!
Kat
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Hi, it's Kat reviewing your short story: "Dead End"
I find myself going back and forth in this story to remember who is who. I believe that there are too many characters in this piece for so short a short story.
I didn't feel the suspense either. I felt like I was reading a proposal for a story, especially since it was written in present tense. Present tense can be off-putting if not used wisely.
I didn't see any puncuation or grammatical errors, but the title "Dead End" did not seem to fit for me.
Keep Writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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Loved this!! Such a wonderful way to say "life is short". I loved the rhyme and the story-like approach. You succeeded in telling a story with a plot and a higher meaning in your short poem.
I especially liked the twist of finding the crook standing over the clerk.
How quickly our lives can change and how little we think about it until we read something like this. One moment your picking up milk, the next your facing a murderer.
I'd love to see more like this!
Thanks for sharing,
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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I really liked this, Xander. This chapter certainly raises more questions than it answers, but it makes me want to continue reading.
I like your attention to detail and your ability to "show" the reader the surroundings.
Your characters are interesting and your title certainly fits the story.
Hi, it's Kat, reviewing your story: "Fairgrey the Furious"
FIRST IMPRESSION: Your first paragraph made me want to keep reading. I wanted to hear more about Charlotte and Tortuga.
PLOT THOUGHTS: I definitely like the plot. I hope you finish the story so we can know how Charlotte faired when taking over for her father and who his killers were.
ERRORS: I didn't see any errors.
FAVORITE PART: My favorite part was when Charlotte met Rosey in the Inn.
SUGGESTIONS: No suggestions except to please finish. I'd love to read more.
-Write on!
Kat
Joine me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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So wonderful to see gratitude! It seems in our daily lives we hear so much complaining, griping and sad stories. It's refreshing to read your words and know that I, too, am grateful for all those things today.
I just forgot to say thanks!
Keep writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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Hi, it's Kat, reviewing your poem: "Looking Up to My Flag"
FIRST IMPRESSION:I really liked this part of the first verse: white clouds, blue sky,
and red stripes of dawn
have put down roots
into this earth spinning
out of control.
I loved how you incorporated the flag colors.
PLOT THOUGHTS: To me, the plot was the reverence to our flag and it's healing powers to draw us all together.
ERRORS: I don't know if its actually an error, but I couldn't understand this first part: "Hoping the hard rock
will imitate intentions,"?
FAVORITE PART: This was my favorite part because of the imagery and how it soothes the soul:
my flag is waving
to let the breeze
carry its
healing breath
over us.
SUGGESTIONS: None.
-Write on!
Thanks,
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola60@hotmail.com
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What a wonderful story! I've had the same type of experiences in my life and know that "Baby Jesus" was there for me in many people.
I'm so glad I read this story today. I had to give you a "5" for content and storyline.
There is a need for paragraph clarification and there seem to be too many spaces between sentences (probably where you meant to start a new paragraph).
We need more writing like this so please keep it up.
Thanks,
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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This is a lovely poem. I see it as a portrayal of heaven through the eyes of an angel.
I see a couple of things that I think may need correcting. You use the present tense of "astound" where the past tense is needed. I also think that in line #13, "eternities" should be "eternitys'".
I think I see you changing from "I" to "we" also and that could be a bit confusing.
Wonderful imagery!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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What a unique way to tell this story! I loved the mixture of song (poetry) and prose.
I think the second sentence of your first paragraph set the background for the story and made me want to continue reading: "His fingers lightly caressed the strings, and a melancholy chord echoed through the hills outside the screens."
For me, caressing the strings of his old guitar was his way of touching and feeling the memories of his lost love. The "melancholy chord" were the memories as they made their way through the terrain of his heart and mind.
I'd like to see more writing like this!
Thanks for sharing,
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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I loved every word, sentence, phrase and type of poem in this ingenious piece of work! You told so many stories in verse and did it magnificently! Where oh where did you get the idea?
I especially liked the Haiku and the Epigram Telegram.
I haven't written much poetry,
but your work here gives me hope.
That I can let it rhyme,
If I just take the time,
and study the lines
set before me.
Keep writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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This was very, very well written. Your aunt sounds like a true gem.
You describe her so well - how she was before the onset of Altzheimers and after the onset. Your description made me really feel that I knew this wonderful lady.
You did, indeed, put so much in so few words. I'm simply amazed!
What a cute story for this time of the year. Which one of us gals hasn't done something like that!
Your story was very well-written and brought a smile to my face and memories of one summer when I wore a bathing suit that became transparent when it was wet. It was a white suit with little embroidered flowers and I loved it. Who would ever think to check out a suits "viewability" before purchasing it? I certainly did from that time on!
Contratulations!
Kat
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Join me at: http://katkola.ning.com
Hi, it's me, reviewing your story: "This is the Best Trap, Yet!"
FIRST IMPRESSION: I was prepared not to like this story after the first couple of paragraphs. I generally don't like things from the dark side or the occult because of my own childhood and having learned that such things really do exist and destroy people's lives. However, somewhere along the way I saw the fun in this piece that allowed me to know that it is simply a playful story, I think? :-0
PLOT THOUGHTS: The plot was cute and certainly drew the reader in. I found myself wanting to know more about this little pixie.
ERRORS: I didn't see any errors in grammar or spelling.
FAVORITE PART: I think my favorite part was where she found her victims.
FIRST IMPRESSION: Your opening paragraph grabbed my attention right away and I was hooked.
PLOT THOUGHTS: I surmised from the first paragraphs that this dream was a portend of things to come. I think that you developed the plot very well. All of us who are mothers can identify with this mother and her problem letting her children enjoy their childhood pleasures when we know/think they may be harmed.
ERRORS: I think you want to use "swam" in the place of "swum" when you are speaking in past tense.
FAVORITE PART: I loved the imagery in this paragraph: Gripping the edge of the sink, she gazed out of the window at the moonlit, snow-covered meadows that drifted away to the distant mountains, and tried to calm her pounding pulse. Why was she having this same dream, time after time? The bubbling creek was silent now beneath the snow-covered ice. Why did the dream bring such feelings of dread? Generations of Jim's family had swum in those same waters and no harm had ever come to them.
This is a lovely story of longing and desire. Jeremy's desire to be adopted was seen immediately in the first sentence and the remainder of the story expanded on that desire. The reader can hear Jeremy's thoughts and feel his yearnings as he watches and waits to hear those wonderful words, "Please Choose Me".
We all know what it feels like to want something so badly that we act and/or react in ways that seem "needy" to others. It's that impulsiveness that endears Jeremy to us and you've shown us that so clearly when he slips down the stairs, tiptoes across the tiles and hides behind the Palm tree.
I'm glad that you showed us that Mariana was kind by the way she spoke to Jeremy.
I'm also glad you didn't let us know the ending of this story. We are allowed to write our own ending.
Great story!
Katkola
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FIRST IMPRESSION: Your first paragraph made me want to keep reading. I wanted to hear more about Charlotte and Tortuga.
PLOT THOUGHTS: I definitely like the plot. I hope you finish the story so we can know how Charlotte faired when taking over for her father and who his killers were.
ERRORS: I didn't see any errors.
SUGGESTIONS: No suggestions except to please finish. I'd love to read more.