Like the Phoenix, love will rise out of the ashes of hatred. This is what I see and hear as I read this poem.
I not only see and remember the horror of 911, but also the cry of countries from foreign soil as well as our native soil...countries called Iraq, Afghanistan and America. Countries and peoples longing for bridges to be built, hearts and stomachs to be filled, and an end to heartache, hatred and hunger.
Whether it's New York or Baghdad, love is the only answer.
I simply can't believe that you are only 14 years-old. This is an excellent story! I found a few errors in form and one spelling error, but other than that, I can't say enough about how extraordinary this story is!
1.) These should be separate paragraphs: When the two armies clashed, blood rained down upon the street. The ‘slingers’ let their stones fly, causing several to stumble over in excruciating pain. The Celtic war-band continued playing its frenzied battle tune.
A winning side presented itself within the first half-hour of battle. The Irish cut through the opposition as if it were butter. They fought like vicious, caged beasts, deprived of flesh for days on end. The blood curdling screams and the sickening thunks might have
driven the ordinary man insane, but the fighters seemed to deal with it well enough.
2.) These paragraphs/sentences should be joined into one paragraph: “Brun! Take the left!” David yelled, while fending off a group of soldiers, “Push them back into the alleys!” He dodged the pick-axe of an enraged warrior and tore into his heart with his knife. In a burst of explosive strength, he rammed into another man, twice his size, knocking him down. The soldier cursed in Italian as his elbow scraped against the stony ground. A few savage slashes to the neck finished off the job. Despite being enclosed in a sea of dust, blood and sweat, David knew precisely where Vanquez was. One could possibly attribute this to some mysterious sixth sense that he possessed. He had always been a good tracker.
3.) These 2 sentences should be joined: “Your head will be a fine addition to my wall.” Vanquez taunted. His English was fluent, although heavily accented.
4.) Take out the perios after "done" and replace it with a comma: “A wall that I will own when this battle is done,” David replied, almost ceremoniously.
5.) Make these 2 different paragraphs:
A moment of weakness.
Vanquez pounced on the Irishman, bringing his large, malignant weapon down on the exposed abdomen.
6.) This should be 3 paragraphs: They zipped through the battlefield and entered an adjoining street. Men and women peeped out of their windows to watch the two. They held a strange fascination for such things.
The carnage appealed to their simple minds.
When David was absolutely certain that he couldn’t catch up with the wretched worm, he skidded to a stop and assumed a throwing position.
May the lord guide my righteous fist.
7.) Join these 2 sentences and correct the spelling of "hardy" to "hardly": The cuspated, iron weapon sliced into Vanquez’s medulla, rendering him unable to think, see or breathe. With a violent twitch or two, he collapsed onto the pavement. Life went out of his eyes quickly. He hardly had enough time to scream. His blood surged into the cracks in the pathway. A gruesome sight to behold.
Are you goind to submit this for publication? You should! Please keep writing.
Thank you for sharing,
Kat
I found the writing in this to be very well done. However, I want to shout at this person! Get off your butt! You're not paralyzed! The paralysis comes with what you put in your mouth or veins. The real world and the truths you seek have to be seen through clear eyes and a fight hard won. Won, by getting out there each day and being who God meant you to be. Giving to others from your abundance and receiving from them when you can't give.
It's easy to criticize others from your prone position. You think you see through them when, actually, you can't see at all because your mind and eyes are blinded by the haze of chemicals. You think they're phoney, when actually you are the phony one. Anyone can swallow a few pills or shoot up enough and deliver critiques of the world and people around them. That's easy!! The hard part is doing your part to make the world a better place and being a responsible human being. The hard part is loving yourself and your God enough not to waste the life rushing through your veins.
There are little children in this country and the world without food who would love to have the luxury of having enough money for food, while there are those like the person in this story who lie around wasting their lives and resources. Paralyzed? I think not. You're gutless, not paralyzed. Step up and live your life. Fight the good fight and then, if you can, critize in a way that makes for change and counts for something!
Kat
I loved this and was captivated from beginning to end. Is this going to be a short story or is it a first chapter in a novel?
I liked Lana and wanted to know her better. These are the things I look for in any fiction I read.
In the third paragraph, I think I might change, "She felt scared, but the good kind," to "She felt scared, but the good kind of scared,".
I found this sentence a little burdensome: "She tossed her head back the way Lana Turner did in Imitation of Life, her wavy, chestnut brown hair falling around her face." Perhaps, you could break it up into two sentences or leave off "her wavy, chestnut brown hair falling around her face".
Again, you have written this beautifully. I am in awe of your talent. When I read writing like this, I wonder why I even bother!
Please don't quit. Someone out there is waiting to discover you.
Thanks,
Kat
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