That is a cute poem. The rhyming is great except for the third verse. I am not sure how you can make it better though. Read it a loud and maybe you can hear what I am hearing.
All in all it is a beautiful poem. Keep up the great work and keep writing.
This is a nice uplifting poem and anything I have to say is merely a suggestion. However, there is one grammatical error I must bring to your attention.
Even though they seems to be helpless
Even though they seems to be lost
The proper words to use are "they seem"
I am not sure if the word being repeated at the beginning and end of each verse is such a good idea. It breaks it up a lot and makes it hard to read.
Wow! This is a very beautiful poem. I honestly have nothing constructive to say here. I loved how I could almost see this angle and the picture you painted of demons fleeing is great. You also did an amazing job of keeping the temp and the rhyming. It did not feel like you forced it at all.
Please keep writing, I hope you are discovered some day.
Wow, this is a really heavy piece. I can imagine what this character must have gone through. I almost felt her pain as I thought of my own daughter's birth. I am definitively intrigued and interested to read more. But since my time is limited tonight I will have to leave with just this one.
Cute poem! I really liked it. The only suggestion I have for you is if you are going to use punctuation then you must use all punctuation. Poems like this need to have a comma at the end of each line that does not end a sentence and the first letter of each line should be capitalized. The words were great though. Good job!
In poems the places that you start a new line are pauses to a reader. I think you could use a few added pauses to make this flow better. Also if you are going to use commas then you must use periods as well.
Not bad for a first posting though. I see you have talent. Keep up the good work.
Cute story. I feel like there isn't a lot of emotion in this story though. I found it hard to read even though it was short. The only point I have to make is:
I was convinced this time that I was served a can which had passed the expiry date, that’s the only possible explanation I thought and decided to check the date.
I think it would be better to say "expiration" instead of "expiry".
Nice poem but I think it would look better and flow better if you take most lines and divide them in half. There is nothing wrong with every other line rhyming. The ones that already have a comma should be divided at the comma and the ones without try to divide it at the pauses.
Nice story. I think that if you used less words ending in "ing" you might even cut down on words to allow you to add more words to help the story flow better.
I think this poem would sound better with a little less words. The idea in poetry is to have the reader see what you see but in as little words as possible. For example I do not think you need to keep the word Cumulonimbus. Also I think it might sound better if you said The large spruce crashes down instead. Just my opinion. This poem is sort of hard to read and I fear the extra words are interfering with the readers ability to picture it. This however would make great back bones for a short story though.
I love this story! I do have a few pieces of advice from one aspiring fantasy author to another. Stray away from passive voice. This means you need to take the words: is, am, were, was, be, being and been out of your writing vocabulary. Also, while using descriptive words is important in longer stories, it is not as necessary in short stories. There are a lot of blogs you can read about this simply search use of adjective and adverbs in writing. One rule common in these blogs is to keep words like "gloomily" to a bare minimum of every 600 words. To an editor these words are seen as lazy.
Anyway with these new tools I think you will have a nice work of art!
If you want some advice on if your intro is easy to read and if it keeps my interest I have to tell you it does but only a bit. A technique for keeping your reader is to reduce the use of ly words. You didn't go way overboard but try to keep it to a minimum of every 600 words. Talking about your trip to Europe was a great hook but I think, since you are not starting the story there, that you should reduce the descriptions here. I also noticed some simple mistakes that I could point out if you like.
Nice poem but I kept getting lost in the large words you chose. I understood them, it just disrupts the flow of the poem. Maybe try simpler words or even more lines to elaborate the word. I am not quite sure on your choice of repeating the word Still. Can you elaborate for me?
Interesting start but I have to say that there are far to many adjectives in a single sentence. Try taking some of them out. Or, if you wish, add more sentences of description instead of putting them all into one sentence. You must understand that a reader decides if a book is worth reading in the first few sentences and then subconsciencely re-evaluates it after every paragraph. If a sentence is full of to many adjectives the reader feels bogged down and will not continue reading.
Interesting piece. It almost comes across as a poem. You do, however, seem to be using a bit much on the commas. You don't necessarily have to have commas every time you pause, unless you are writing a poem. Maybe you could expand this a bit. Have you seen the movie the Machinist? It is very similar to your story. I think you would like it.
This is a very personal poem. I am surprised that you wanted to share it with anyone but your brother. That being said I do not want to ruin what has obviously come from the heart.
Keep up the good work and always write from the heart.
What you are trying to portray is great. I love the idea but I think you need some help with the presentation. A lot of your sentences are run-ons and there are many grammatical errors. Something that has helped me and might help you is a writing class on this website. With enough gps the classes are free and definitely worth your time. Classes have already started so you will have to wait for the next session, but that will give you some time to earn the gps you will need. Check it out at
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Right off the back I noticed your first sentence could be divided into two sentences after the comma. Doing this will actually provide a more dramatic affect. Which is the mood of the stage you seem to be setting.
I like how you described the room but sometimes it seemed like an awful lot of description. Try to throw in description with action it makes it easier to read.
Nice, very poetic in a way. There are only a few small things I could suggest to make this better. In the sentence: All she knew that Jax was far better a man (if you could call a robot that) than her previous significant other. It might flow better if you write "All she knew was that...".
Lastly it may work better if you put some kind of division between the two stories maybe ..... or ------ between the two.
Nice though, I absolutely love future scifi and this did not disappoint.
I have to say I love future science fiction like this. Overall this is a very well written story and I only have few minor pointers. An overall pointer I have is maybe add a few more colorful words. If you were trying to portray a dismal future though then you hit it right on it. One sentence that I have a little suggestion is :"An orphan, this school was sadly the best thing that had ever happened to him." Maybe this sentence could start with As, it might flow better.
Keep up the good work though. Also is there more? This little snippet is intreaguing.
I have to agree with you totally. My husband and I have been totally jaded by the world because people in general just seem selfish. We don't have a lot to our name but we still help in anyway we can. We have given countless rides for people and given out our leftovers form dinner to many homeless. But even though the world is what you make of it I do find that it is getting increasingly hard to lend a hand to those in need. For example my husband has been pulled over and accused of soliciting a hooker when all that he was doing was giving someone a ride. It's a tough world out there and you have to make it what it is to survive.
Yes very whimsical and amusing poem. I could easily see this being the lyrics for a song. Just one little critique really for you. I noticed that sometimes you ended your lines with a . or a , but other times you did not. It is my experience in poetry that every line must be treated like a sentence or at least a thought. Therefore all lines must end with some kind of punctuation. Other than that nice work and do keep writing.
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