I really think that you have something great going for you here. Though I wish I could give you an upgrade I can't but I can give you some encouraging words and some pointers in exchange for you allowing me to enjoy this piece. I think it was beautifully written and yuo portray a lot of emotion through it.
The diction choice and the imagery alongside the allusion to shakespeare is pretty amazing.But there are sme weak points in the piece.
The first comes with the use of Weather to end one line and the use of whether to start the next line. I always warn people to try not to use homophones right after another. It throws off the rhythm of the poem off.
The only other thing is that stanza number three does not flow the rhythm of the other stanzas. try and work around the syntax of sentences and/or cut some words so it flows with the preceeding stanza.
Congrats on a nicely written piece! Keep on writing you have talent!
This is cute. I like the rhythm which stays pretty steady. I like the rhyme scheme which also stays pretty steady. The idea of the poem is amazing and something that is sure to relate to anybody who ahs gone to school. I think overall it is an amazing piece!
All I can say is wow. It is writing this that moves the soul and creates new place in your mind where you can never be reached. The diction and the imagery of the city and everything is just amazing. I believe this is one of the best pieces I have ever read in my life. The way you describe the city and all the affects on life of advertising and the death of a person is quite extraordinary.
The way you shaped the poem and filled it with enjambment so where each line filtered into another brought the piece to life. The words encircle the reader with the whole atmosphere of the piece. It is soemthing that is not only enjoyable and entertaining but also a piece of modern literature that is sure to be up there one day with the greats.
Please continue to write and share your talent with the world. Thanks for sharing it with the writing community on here.
I like the idea of your poem. The diction choices are like usual great and the imagery is amazing yet there are a few things that could make it all about ten times better. Here they are!
1) Check out some of your capitalization, it stops here and there.
2)"Thoughts weave in
and thoughts weave out"
**Try taking out the and ... it makes it flow better!
2)"sometimes I think this ship might sink"
** Either take out "sometimes" or take out "I think"
3)"gone wrong gone wonky
like the sound of a donkey."
** add some commas here! Like in between wrong and gone and then at the end of that first line.
4)"just take me for who I am.
The name's Samantha, aka Sam."
** take out Something in the last line.. there are too amy syallbles and it throws the rhythm off. It's a good line just needs a little tweeking.
Overall I like this poem You did a really good job on it. With just keeping those tips in mind your sure to have a real winner here! Can't wait to read more kid!
This is a piece that feels as if it is written for something more than just the growth of trees and the destruction of the old forest. It feels as if these trees are meant to mirror today's older generations and the cutting them down is meant to represent the youth taking away the ideas and morals of the other generation without any regard to their screams.
It is a beautiful piece with amazing imagery. The diction you used to paint the picture of the forest gives the reader enough room to run through and caputre every sound, smell and sight of the forest. The personfication of the tress and their screams is a beautiful metaphor. The idea of trees in realtion to real life is the perfect way of describing the world today.
Thank you for sharing your immense talent with the rest of the writing community. It is work like this that withstands not only time but surpasses every other piece in a reader's memory. This is the workd I live to read and thank heaven for giving to this sometimes harsh, dark world.
The metaphor of Dorthy in the first stanza brings the feeling of wishing to be in a dream but being in relaity to life. The diction choices such as 'glistening murkily' are really nice touches to the piece. I cannot only feel the piece, I can see and relate to it.
The tone of the piece is also well portrayed. It starts out all hopeful and then slowly darkens into something even more beautiful: losing. Relating the heartbreak and the pain of having to see someone after a relationship is broken really makes for beautiful art and while many try so hard to capture it in the right context and fail I believe you set yourself apart from them.
The ending brings the piece full circle. Going back to the puddles, helps to create a resolution tone and bring the climax down to an end. Many times we forget to do this and you once again set yourself apart from everyone else.
Thank you for sharing such a talent with the writing community. It is really rewarding to be able to read such literature done in the modern world. Your work is a mirror of your talent and by the looks of this it is a beautiful talent.
Ah... finally I found a piece that has some of the same passion of the previous ones I have read. I like the story of this one and I like the work as a whole. it leaves me wanting to hear the music that goes along.
Good work on this one. Maybe you just have a passion for writing about the creulities of the world. I know that sounds wierd but maybe that's why you have the talent.
It's not my favorite but I think it is written well. The emotion however is not quite with it. it needs something, I'm not sure what but something to go with it. Other than that I like it. It seems rather intriguing and I like the whole fate idea. It just seems to be alcking a center luster that your other pieces have.
This is your best! I think it captures the tragedy of the world very well. Maybe try adding some more to it though, like a repeating idea. I know it's not lyrics but it could adapt well to it if you wanted.
I really think you should take this piece as far as your lyrics go. There is a tragedy that occurs everywhere and if you can capture these so well maybe capture more or find something the resolves all of them.
Like I said this is your best and one of my new favorites. Thanks for sharing. I can't wait until you get more up on the site!
I like this one and I can't really see anything wrong with it. It is smooth and portrays a lot of emotion behind it. There is one line though that trips the mind:
"But you'd told me that you'd never leave me."
I get what you are saying but it takes a bit to understand that it is you had told me... amybe it sounds better in the song form.
There's really nothing to change here. You've got a talent for writing lyrics.
The poem is very abstract and I am not sure what exactly you are trying to get at. It seems that you are trying to show the abstact world of being in between this one and the next but it is very vague to me. I'm sure others will get it but I can't compute it right now.
The imagery and the starical content adds a very nice touch to the piece as a whole though. The diction choices such as ,ethicality, really does help to push the piece along.
It's a really nice piece and thanks for sharing. I'll come back and read it more and try to understand it later but for now I think it deserves a nice rating and you should be proud.
Wow. I don't know what to say and that usually never happens to me. There is so much power and so much emotion behind the words in the poem, it brings tears to my eyes to think on it.
It feels like when we find love it can never stay long anymore and when it's leaving all we have left is the rain.
This is an awesome poem and now one of my favorites! Thanks for sharing your talent with us on here! I hope to read more!
This is really deep. It has some great diction like where it says that there is a respiratory defection. it paints a picture and I can see the girl needing to breathe and it builds and builds until she dies. A very good ending. The imagery of her lips cracking and then turning blue and then her end really moves the piece.
Thanks for sharing with the rest of us your talent!
Deep! I know a friend who is going through this as we are graduating from high school. It really is a good poem and I like how it talks about how a veil is placed on the person to protect them from the world in which so many people have this veil.
In today's world this is really what people need to do and you really captured it very nicely. The diction choice is really great and fits the tone of independence.
I really enjoyed it and hope to read more! Thanks for posting on here it was a real treat!
I like how you put it. Very blunt and to the point and it is true people remember both sides of everything. However it leaves me wanting more. I think it is a great piece of work but for soem reason my heart just wants to know more and to read more from it. There is so much emotion that can be portrayed in it.
Good job though! I really do enjoy it. Keep up the good work!
I always like short stories because it gives a reader a chance to have insight on some of the best moments of life.
I think you did just that. You were able to capture a moment in which we all dread happening to us but at the same time it is so beautiful that you just can't wait to find what will happen once we reach the other side.
This is good writing and I really do not believe that English cannot be your forte. This is some really good writing and you should be proud.
I feel kind of awkward asking this question but it just occured to me...is Alex a girl? I reread the piece and if Alex is I cannot find it but if Alex is a guy it puts even more behind it because it makes the emotion of being rejected that much scarier.
Good job and I hope you continue to keep writing. I'm off to read more of your stuff so keep it up I enjoy every moment!
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