Greetings Luna   , Welcome to Writing.com! I was pleased to read "Beyond The Screen — chapter 1"  from your portfolio and it is my pleasure to give your writing a review.
August, 2 2025
 FIRST IMPRESSION
As a future noble, the child is impressionable and yet bored with the details of why a tale is so important. Get on with the story is her wish as elements of the story occur to her even before they are spoken. I may know this as de je vu, a sixth sense provided by the Spirit, to know what can't be known, and yet I do. What I might not expect is that I have actually lived this story out...before...some other time and space. I'm intriqued.
THEME
"Beyond The Screen — chapter 1" introduces a child whose destiny is to be a noble in the kingdom in which she lives. Her life is tied to the story of the fall of mankind to the evils of the demon Diablo. Within my faith, I am quite acquainted with this entity and far from being a myth, or an opponent of the heroic he is a master of deceit, torture and death. What may or may not have happened to Diablo is at the center of this story as the main character Ari becomes aware of her strange new life.
STRUCTURE
Written from the first person perspective the story is a complex mixture of what the Countess wants to tell and what the main character Ari knows, or in fact remembers. The flow is mixed between major pauses and then a much more hurried pace. There is reflection and then an almost frenetic movement down a path of trying to remember.
MY FAVORITE MOMENT
This was my favorite moment:
“My chest tightens. It hurts. It hurts so bad. My mind is a whirlwind of memories. My body is going limp.
"I remember. I remember it all"
I pass out with that last mumble. My body going limp on the chair.”
So much action in this moment even as Ari passes out. Perhaps it is because of what is happening to her physically that there is no time to dwell on other details. But then it is more than passing out or even remembering, it is an entrance into the truth about who she is. As one who walks the path with many children, I can testify to the critical importance of this moment. Adults have an almost demented need to foist their best delusions on our youth to help them be more like what's most important to them. But the child already has the imprint on their DNA from birth of who they will be. They will, with love and proper nurturing, live that truth out with all of their might.
SUGGESTIONS
This is a big big story. As such, there are no shortcuts, and no end of the thousands of words to make me love Ari. Novels by nature need not be hurried. From the beginning, because of her nature, Ari is in a hurry to know, but we as the readers have to have a reason beyond the curiosity factor. I would have liked to have seen the estate for instance. The mystery will come along on its own volition because that is how stories evolve. But a more descriptive setting helps evoke the possibility of a mystery without Ari's overt jumping into it when she did. I can easily see the countess, but nobility is usually noble for a reason, if only because they are stunningly beautiful and rich.
As Ari opens up about what she knows she is feeling, there is rain on the window pane, but that is the only descriptive about the atmosphere where her feelings are happening. There are other ways to speak of that atmosphere that could show me what Ari is feeling. Dim lighting, dark walls, tapestries or pictures, furnishings, all can be used to expand the idea of atmosphere without actually saying what Ari is feeling. Our surroundings are often a reflection of our mood. If I am down, in a dimly lit room and I am done being down, I get out of the house, into the light, pray, run, drive until the mood I don't want is changed. Characters in our stories often have the surroundings corresponding to their mood because that is exactly what they want.
IN SUMMARY
"Beyond The Screen — chapter 1" is the beginning of a novel that promises to tell the story of a land called Astrelia, a countess, and a girl named Ari. The opening is a promise that there are two lives being lived out by the same person, and that that story will be a heroic one in which Diablo is once again battled, and peace restored to the joy of everyone. Thank you for sharing your gift for story telling and write on! 
I hope my thoughts and impressions have been a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
Kind Regards,
 ~Kenword~ 
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(Recognition 300 11.29.22)
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