There are some lovely thoughts in this poem. But I do believe that much of the rhyming was forced. You've also used some incorrect grammar, and although this is sometimes okay for poetry, it just doesn't fit here.
For example:
to watch it as it growed.
Should be:
to watch it as it grew.
...which, of course would not rhyme.
I think you've covered most possible responses in your poll. I did notice that one sentence used a period and the others did not. I always wonder at the motivation of folks who create polls.
I said I was completely tolerant. But that's not the word I would use. A psychologist I know once told me that our big problem in the world today is that we're tolerant. Instead we should love, honor, respect, hold persons in high regard. That's much better than just tolerating them. I think he has a point. When you look up tolerant or tolerance in the dictionary, the word forbearing is mentioned. And that means...
to be patient or self-controlled when subject to annoyance or provocation. So? Tolerating individuals or races really doesn't seem appropriate to me.
Thanks for writing this and for being willing to think about America and Americans in a different way.
When we think in generalizations or in stereotypes, we're always wrong. Still, many Americans think of the British as being either pompous royalty or those with Cockney accents begging on a street corner. We know better, though.
And yet, the world thinks America is full of greedy (and often rude) Americans. That's, perhaps, because those can afford to travel the world are usually more well off than Joe Average American. And, while they might not want to be rude, they might be self-centered enough to not know that they should have researched local customs before traveling abroad...so that they don't misbehave.
In earlier history, of course, England was the "ruler" of the seas. And our history indicates that was not for human rights issues, but for conquering and taking over the world. But we were never taught to be angry about this. Nor about the behaviors of our country's earliest times. It was what it was.
We - the Joe/Josephine Average Americans - like to think that when we are "helping" the world it is because of human rights. And we're actually quite surprised when people point out a whole other reason and motive for our politicians to help citizens of other countries. I think, rather than being all about helping other people or all about oil or other commodoties that we need, that it's probably somewhere in the middle.
Thanks again for being open to pondering about this.
I did notice one place where you needed a space between words, but when I went back I could not find it again. I also might consider changing the paragraph that has lots of phrases in parenthesis.
It seems like this isn't finished, that it ended rather abruptly. Before that, it's written well, even with a bit of southern/hillbilly flare.
Did you know that there are lots of states in the US that allow second cousins to marry? Some even allow first cousins, if they get genetic counseling...or if they're too old to have kids.
And did you know that most countries don't even think it a problem?
Or that in the Bible, there were quite a few cousin couples?
Or that there are some famous people who married first or second couples...like:
I don't think you're alone with this problem. Obviously lots of folks in the US struggle with overspending. That's why there's so much credit card debt.
I guess I've been lucky. I have never liked shopping. I've never been tempted to buy anything I didn't need or didn't have money for. So I really don't understand that concept. (That's one reason hubby and I fuss. He's definitely an impulse spender.)
Anyway...
Towards the end of your article, there are some places where you didn't capitalize your "I's".
First, you have a few rather long sentences. Here's one:
Managing to complete only 76% of the set, yet feeling a great deal less stressed I decided to have one more go at the song 'Mother' when I heard a knocking from downstairs, unwilling to break my concentration, I called one of my brothers to open the door and let two of my best friends in.
Perhaps:
Managing to complete only 76% of the set, yet feeling a great deal less stressed I decided to have one more go at the song 'Mother'. I heard a knocking from downstairs, but was unwilling to break my concentration. I called one of my brothers to open the door and let two of my best friends in.
And this one:
Greg held out his hand, shadowing the rays of sunshine from my eyes, thinking he was helping me out I thanked him, before he pulled his hand away, causing me to flinch as the beams of bright red light obscured my vision, then Greg put his hand out again, then pulled it away, over and over, laughing and ignoring my constant death threats aimed at him to stop.
Try:
Greg held out his hand, shadowing the rays of sunshine from my eyes. I thanked him, thinking he was helping me out. He pulled his hand away, causing me to flinch as the beams of bright red light obscured my vision. Then Greg put his hand out again, then pulled it away, over and over, laughing and ignoring my constant death threats.
Some other suggestions:
"So your in". "So, you're in?"
"Me versus you, C'mon your rubbish at this game anyways". Greg said motioning towards the video game. "Me versus you. C'mon. You're rubbish at this game anyway," Greg said, motioning towards the video game.
Fascinating. This poll is an excellent example in the way the stats play out. It shows over 251,000 views, but just 1316 votes and 135 rates...in 6+ years.
Having been a part of other writing sites, I adore WDC.
You've had quite a few responses to this one in almost 3 years. It's sad that this happens, but I think we're all guilty of it.
Perhaps we hit the escape button because we've been burned by trying to offer constructive criticism and advice. I know that's the case for me. Sometimes people who need help the most are the ones who get angry when it is offered.
You've described so well what happens to writers and poets. I love how the arrangement on the page goes along with your words.
I might have chosen a different color to display this poem, just because it might be easier on the eyes. Perhaps, in this case, using bold would help the color choice.
Great question. It's always fun to find out where fellow writers choose to write. I really did start out writing in our backyard cherry tree. That's probably why I prefer writing outside. But in the US north in the winter, that's not exactly practical.
Amen. I'm with you. There were many heroic people that day, many about whom we'll never know and many who would not even think that they were heroes.
Just one sentence I might change:
However, it could not have got much worse in my eyes.
To:
However, it could not have gotten much worse in my eyes.
Or:
However, it could not have been much worse in my eyes.
Thanks for sharing. Is there some estimation somewhere about how many individuals were able to look out their windows and experience this? Just wondered. It was bad enough on TV. I cannot imagine seeing it take place outside the window.
It's interesting to see the differences in hospitals in Canada and the US. I doubt you would have been admitted in the US for 5 days. Well...maybe...if you were on Medicaid.
Some suggestions:
There are a number of sentences where you have two thoughts or sentences strung together with just a comma. Those should either be made two sentences or a semi-colon should be used.
Also:
It must say it baffled me how university educated dieticians could come up with such uninteresting and insipid menu at mealtime.
Welcome to Writing.com. This is okay as an opinion piece. I would suggest that if you have any links or references to prove your statistics, that you provide them at the end of your writing.
Your bio doesn't say where you live. I know that I was never "owned" by my father. Or by my husband either.
In most weddings I've attended in the last 30 years, one can keep or get rid of the phrase, "Who gives this woman.....?" And in those cases where the phrase is still used, the father ususally answers, "Her mother and I do" showing that it's not just the dad passing the daughter to the husband, but both parents.
While I have not had a "forever" marriage through no fault of my own (spousal abuse!), I certainly believe in forever marriages. That is what God intended.
My hubby's daughter asked us just last night how long we think we'll be married. And we both answered, "Till death do us part."
If marriages are not lasting that long, perhaps it's because there is no forethought. Premarital counseling is a great idea. You really do need to address things that just don't cross your mind when you're dating and courting. For some, how the toothpaste is squeezed is important. For others, who takes out the garbage can be a relationship breaker. But it takes - sometimes - a professional or someone who has been married for years and years to point out how important those things can be.
I hope some day you are not as jaded about marriage. It really is a fantastic institution.
I love this! The rhymes and rhythm are good. And the message is one that we've all pondered. Why don't we get reviews and ratings on all of our writings?
If this is really one of your ponderings, I hope you'll explore all the opportunities to plug your work here.
Quite a story. Thankfully, even people like Daniel can be forgiven...
I do have some suggestions.
I would change the following sentences:
When Daniel was 12, his friend and him had stolen some candy bars from a convenience store, which led to a down on her luck store clerk getting fired for constant stock shortages.
To:
When Daniel was 12, he and his friend stole some candy bars from a convenience store which led to the store clerk getting fired for constant stock shortages.
This:
Usually money was sent with each letter, but whenever it wasn't he was rewarded with a phone call describing how bad of a father he was.
To:
He usually sent money with each letter. When he didn't, he received a phone calling him a bad father.
This:
Unfortunately, there was a fire in the building he lived in.
To:
Unfortunately, there was a fire in the building where he lived.
I would also make sure there are spaces between paragraphs.
You're right. This is quite sterotypical. Thank goodness there are differences in men and women that we can embrace. This, I think, shows both men and women in a bad light.
Well, how about that. I see that Lawrencia read your poem and already gave it a ribbon. Way to go.
It is an excellent poem. Winter has been strange so far this year in Cincinnati. I'd just as soon never see any of the white stuff.
Only one suggestion. In your description you said, "Wrote on a blistery winter night." That would be okay if it were a complete thought, like, "I wrote this on a blistery winter night." Otherwise, I think, "Written on a blistery winter night" would sound much better.
Gosh, golly, geeeeeeeeee whiz. You've had less than 30 votes on this very important poll. That just cannot be. Perhaps having it appear on the public review page will attract attention. Glittery underpants, after all, are an important topic about which to vote.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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Thanks for sharing.