Dear Michelle,
Thank you for asking me for a review. As always, no matter how busy I am, reading other’s work makes me think and consider my own life and writing and it is always a learning experience. I appreciate that you consider my humble opinion important.
Your chapter was difficult for me to read, not in any way because of your writing, but because of the topic. The story could have been about me. Having said that, those moments of my life are not the moments I particularly want to relive. May I ask who your target audience is? Are you hoping to connect with other women who have shared a similar experience? Your writing is very vivid and immediately took me back, so I have to wonder who would want to jump into such an unhappy place. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with writing about this topic, I just wonder if using it for chapter one is a bit heavy? Not sure, just a thought.
I truly hope that this isn’t written from personal experience, however some of the things you wrote make me think that it has to be. If so, I hope you are in a far better place in your heart and mind now. ☺
As far as the writing, as I said, your style is very poignant and vivid, but there were a few places I had to back up and reread, disrupting the flow of the emotion. I’ll just start at the beginning and comment as I read.
The second word of your story, “hardly”, seems strange in the sentence. I read in one of my many “how to write” books, that beginning writers tend to have their characters start to do something, instead of just doing it. Maybe I didn’t like it because of that, but it makes the first sentence of the story seem hesitant. I LOVE the imagery of the light though the curtains though, very cool.
If it were up to me, which of course it’s not, I’d put the last sentence of the paragraph first. “I feel the heaviness of my favorite down comforter, but yet, a familiar coldness creeps deep into my soul.” That is a beautiful portrayal of the essence of the chapter. It’s harsh and real and immediately you are drawn into her mood.
This sentence felt awkward “The last remaining fog has lifted and I see around my surroundings with clarity.” It doesn’t sound right that your character would “See around my surroundings”. I have a hunch this is a typo, perhaps where you edited and left the word “around” in there by mistake?
Be careful using numbers. I’ve been told to use words (two fifteen am) for almost everything. I would also use the word clock, because I was a little confused that the alarm was set for 2:15 am and was blazing. The reader knows nothing of the character at this point, so may be she gets up at two am? Make sure they understand that the clock is mocking her. I love that thought because that is really how it feels!
This sentence is off. “Supposedly, new beginnings along with a sense of empowerment await me in a few, short hours, according to my relentless supporters.” I think you have a stray comma after “few”.
The visual of her wrapped in a blanket in the fetal position is awesome, but you use the word wrapped twice, close together. You may want to choose another word for one sentence.
This is a tool that a reviewer on this sight showed me, and it has a million fabulous verbs to help you write. http://writeouschick.com/verb-finder
Once again, and maybe it’s just me, but the next paragraph about loosing the s off mrs confused me for a moment and I had to reread. I thought she had lost a letter, like in the mail. You may want to reword that sentence.
Gabby has already torn out my heart and I fear what is coming up from her character.
I love your thoughts on the kids. I too had teenagers and it is so true that you try to hide the horror in your heart from them, yet they know whether they comment or not. I could plainly see the kids and feel her concern and despondency, as well as her never ending love for them.
This sentence “To be sure he is really up and moving instead of stealing his last precious minutes of sleep, I make my way up the stairs to his room..” feels like it has an extra “his” in it after the word stealing, and it has two periods. Most of these things I see as first draft type problems that a good editor will help you weed out. I know my editor has found tons of little things I don’t see after reworking my writing so many times. The feeling and emotion is all there, just a few simple hick-ups that need smoothed out.
I love the dog part, I am a dog person and I hope the poor thing is able to feel better eventually too. You really paint a picture of a family in a holding pattern of loss.
This sentence has a tag along that isn’t necessary. “I hurry to the middle bedroom where she has patiently awaited her turn to rise, until now.” The “until now” could be completely removed and you’d loose nothing from the sentence. It feels like a loose end to me. Again, just my opinion.
I like how you introduced the aunt and uncle with the dog. NICE.
“Every comical marathon ends when some internal need within her is satisfied or a neighbor has cornered her on their property.” This is the first sentence of a new paragraph, so you should probably refer to the dog by name. I wasn’t sure if the character ran marathons or what when I read this.
I got a good feel for what your character looks like, she is getting ready to leave, makes sense that she would look in the mirror, but I had a professional agent tell me once that the mirror thing to describe how a character looks is cliché, and not to use it. I leave that up to you, but I shy away from it since. Maybe I’m a chicken, lol?
I have a dog in the book I’m currently writing and a reviewer told me play more on the dog’s emotions. When you say the dog watched, maybe you could say something about her eye brows bobbing up and down, or her head tilting to one side. Just a thought to make it more show and less tell.
So all in all, I’d say I love this piece of writing. It drew me in and forced me to feel things I haven’t allowed myself to explore for a while. Your writing is visual and tactical and wonderful.
Having said that however, I don’t think I’d want to keep reading just because it is so heavy and I can feel even more painful things coming. Once again, I encourage you to think about your audience and what they want.
Are you purposely writing an angsty heart wrenching book that someone would be drawn to pick up because that’s what they want? If so, great! You’re well on your way! If not, and this is actually a happy ending after sadness and tragedy kind of book, you may want to research how to structure the beginning of the story in order to not chase away people looking for an insightful, loving kind of book. I say this because I feel that your character has the propensity and desire for joy, but I don’t know if I could wade through all the harshness to find it. I’m not an angst book kind of reader though. If you know your audience and you feel this is what would appeal to them, then please, continue on!
Thanks again for the opportunity to read your work this morning. Don’t ever stop writing! Keep plugging away and when you feel it is ready, pass it by a quality editor and polish it to perfection. Please let me know if you have any questions or comments, and check back with me sometime to let me know how it’s going!
Kirsten
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