Hi! I saw your article on the Review page and I stopped to read because I want to know more about how narcissists think.
I especially liked the section on whether children are narcissists. It is a good question to ask because of some of the same behaviors. And your answer has good examples of "neediness" versus |needing affirmation to grow". I've never seen that before but it underscores the pathology even more in my opinion.
My only suggestion is to continue to edit until every sentence absolutely shines in simplicity beauty and utility. Reading it aloud often helps you hear when even a syllable out of place.
So basically just tighten it up for clarity and impact. Beginning with the first two lines you might wish to combine them like "When speaking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, we must understand that (comma) like all personality disorders (comma) it is categorized as a mental illness." (My comma key is missing so sorry about that!)
I am happy to review this again when you've polished it up. This is important information! Thanks for showing us how to spot a narcissist.
If I come bearing suggestions please accept or discard according to your blueprint for this work.
Opening - That first paragraph must be enticing to hold the reader.
The opening pulls us in as we wonder why a simple touch jars Amber.
Characters -
Amber and Jeff
Plot -
Jeff touches his girlfriend Amber's hand, which brings back painful memories.
I'm missing something because I'm not sure how Mr. Miller's store shows anything about character. However, Jeff's musings on Amber's neck is both sweet and sexy.
Technical/flow/readability/etc. -
Sometimes if you read the story aloud you can see and hear the pacing.
She snapped - if this pertains to tone of voice it should go with the dialogue.
“I’m sorry.” He said. - add dialogue tags to speech with a comma-
sorry," he said
She gets up and walks - got up and walked
He responded sheepishly-delete; we already see red cheeks before he speaks
Fave line - If a beautiful girl’s not interested in me I can move on without becoming a crazed assailant.
Good job "showing" with flushed cheeks, shaking hands, etc. Those are places you may not even need a "she said". You've already shown us who's talking with a gesture/description to break up the dialogue.
That she "bites her lip" and calls Jeff anyway shows she's ready to put the past behind her. Nice motivation and characterization.
If I come bearing suggestions please accept or discard according to your blueprint for this work.
Opening - That first paragraph must be enticing to hold the reader.
The first line hooks us in with a million questions and we read on to find the answers.
Characters -
Charlie and his father. We learn the man, Charlie, through his muddled thoughts as the ghoulish virus takes over.
Plot -
Charlie wants to go home to die, like a wounded animal. (Great animal imagery to back up the idea.) His instincts guide his footsteps as his mind focuses on the simple idea of home. Nice foreshadowing and incredible turns of phrase in this piece.
The only thing that jarred me was the plane crash, but I can't explain why.
Technical/flow/readability/etc. -
Perfection.
Fave line - Eventually his thoughts became as alien to him as the speech of the mountains he attempted to climb.
This is one of those stories where you know something awful is going to happen but you have to keep reading. The reader remains trusting of the character and that trust isn't abused--there's the right mix of anticipation and enough description to show the scene without gore. Fabulous write.
If I come bearing suggestions please accept or discard according to your blueprint for this work.
Opening - That first paragraph must be enticing to hold the reader.
We meet a sleepy Alyssa awakened by a knock at the door. Much of this information can be condensed in order to start right in the middle--the second paragraph.
Characters -
The MC, her brother Jeremy, her mother
Plot -
Alyssa finds out her father has died. In order to stick more closely to the prompt, it would be nice to see how this event (her father's death) affects her in the future besides the realization that she needs to be strong, because she's already skilled at providing comfort.
Technical/flow/readability/etc. -
Fine.
Fave line - Provide comfort, but try to remain apart from the families' grief.
Nice job showing how Alyssa takes the news with weak legs, and plows forward despite her grief.
If I come bearing suggestions; please accept or discard according to your blueprint for this work.
Opening - That first paragraph must be enticing to hold the reader.
The MC is drowning, and the person who saves him is less than benevolent. Turns out to be a bad dream, and worse, a memory. Definitely an attention grabber.
Characters -
Danny, a young adult haunted by his past.
Plot -
Danny meets Father Mulrooney, who reminds him of the reverend who "died too fast" for his sins against Danny and other little boys. Danny must do something about the nightmares.
Technical/flow/readability/etc. -
No errors noted.
Fave line - He didn’t suffer enough. Stomach cancer would’ve been better. Something slow and painful.
Great job showing how the past impacts the present. Also liked the open ending, showing how an act of violence can have devastating consequences on a young person's fragile personality.
If I come bearing suggestions, please accept or discard according to your blueprint for this work.
Opening - That first paragraph must be enticing to hold the reader.
We meet Cass, who has just lost her parents, and her uncle Jared, a cop.
Characters -
You can really see Cass' stubborn teen persona, as well as her pain. Jared is trying to be strong but he's out of his comfort zone with a kid in the apartment.
Plot -
While it doesn't matter, it would be nice to know how Cass' parents died, only because it's unusual for both parents to die at the same time. Assuming a car crash?
Technical/flow/readability/etc. - Jared shrugged.
"Maybe not, - If Jared is speaking no paragraph break is needed.
Fave line - "Maybe I would've hit the foster family jackpot like you, Jared. Some rich family that would send me to college and help me find a job."
Excellent description of Jared's feelings. Good dialogue, showing both Cass' uncertainty and blame as well as Jared's attempt to make her comfortable and gain her trust. The story ends on a note of hope. Nice job.
If I come bearing suggestions, please accept or discard according to your blueprint for this work.
Opening - That first paragraph must be enticing to hold the reader.
Awesome description. Tension on the battlefield as the leader approaches a captured enemy.
Characters -
The story is told from Leofwine's POV, showing his motivation both for mercy and cowardice. We see his love for his brother, his pain, and his indecision.
Plot -
Two brothers meet as adults to settle their differences. We get their motivation for hating the other in backstory and dialogue. I know there's a word limit, but it would be nice to see more of their happiness to contrast with the hatred.
Mercy and cowardice, but which brother shows which trait?
Technical/flow/readability/etc. -
No errors noted. (One indent tag shows.)
Fave line - Aelrik had delighted in reminding his older brother on every possible occasion that the sharpness of a blade was a powerful lot more effective than that of the tongue in motivating fear in one’s enemies…
The title and prose compliment each other nicely. Strong scenes, active verbs, precise nouns. Well done.
Just returning your review, one Rising Star to another.
You said it was controversial, and I can see why. Love the way it starts out with us wondering where the MC works, if not a hospital, and then leads us into the main point.
Kinda wondering why Jonny was so set against the thought of an afterlife when he clearly understood his grandma could read minds. Maybe it's just me, they are related in my brain. And the hospital scene with her was my favorite part. Surprising and just like a grandma would talk.
I don't see anything extraneous; it's a tight write. If anything, it would be neat to see more of his hallucinations and the voices that plague him.
The only question I have is the time period between meeting the plumber and becoming a bum. What happened to his family? Do they know he's on the streets? How long has he been on the streets if he still has a key to the clinic?
Editing nits
Putting Jonny's name in the first para might help us relate to him instantly.
Some sort of divider (* * *) between the scene with Mad Dog and the scene with the cops to show a change in POV.
Lots of sentence fragments, spaces before commas, little stuff like that. You may wish to clean it up a bit. It might help the flow and keep the reader's attention on the ideas.
Overall, impressive. I really thought the bike scene was real--you led us skillfully through past, present and future and the theme of "balance" is backed up in the right spots.
Please accept or discard my musings at your leisure.
I absolutely love the theme, love the ending. You don't see that kind of unselfish thinking much today, and this shines as a morality tale for the present.
Great job pulling the reader into the emotion of the opening, setting the scene with vivid objects. Perhaps a thorough editing when you have the time. for the second section contains less detail, mostly a recounting of Grandpa's life from outside the scene.
My main suggestion is to focus on a few vivid images to tell the story rather than using "he was", "he had", which pulls us out of Grandpa's world. As she falls asleep would be the perfect time to throw the reader into an alternate universe.
"She could just imagine the sparkle in Grandma's eye when she spied her handsome husband marching up the street, chest gleaming with war medals." In other words, try to fit the pertinent information into a few colorful scenes. (Just an idea to hopefully spark your muse.)
The best part is the busy-bee family pulling together at the end to give Grandpa his props. Write on!
Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Take any comments you like, and ignore the rest. You know what is right for your story.
First Impressions:
Wow! This story has all the makings of a thriller. I especially enjoyed the twist at the end.
Polish:
My main suggestion is to start the story at the juicy part--the blood all over the kitchen floor. That way you don't have to jump into the backstory; it slows down the pace and tension when you have to go back and explain things. You want to hook the reader and not let go until the end. While the prose of the first paragraph is beautiful, it may be too long to hold attention. During action scenes you want shorter sentences to convey fast movement and quick thought.
And the one thing that will snag a reader every time is blood, especially when Christian can't remember why it's important to remember.
After the chase, when he's at the tree, there's more time to slow down the pace and describe the surroundings more fully.
Shine: the new light of day was flickering and shimmering off every dew-dripping leaf.
nice imagery
He pushed away from the tree, the invisible tow pulled at his limbs, pulled at his mind but before he even realized he was moving...
Like how you get into his mind here. Spooky.
he sat, his eyes staring off in the direction of the kitchen, knowing that it indeed that that room held some importance but that need dulled like when one fights to stay awake. Like the undertow he had experienced before a sickening sadness he couldn’t understand swept over his mind
More of the in-between mental status, and love the ocean metaphor.
Overall:
Awesome start to what promises to be a chilling tale. I like the ambiguity of Christian's status, and that's a difficult line to walk in fiction.
I like to read my stories aloud--that way I can hear missing words and awkward speech. I recommend it--makes a huge difference in whether I do 5 edits or 25 edits!
I'd be happy to take another look and possibly re-rate this after any substantial changes. Thanks so much for sharing the fear and confusion of Christian in the "run of his life". Keep writing!
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Please accept or discard at Mrs. Keckley's leisure.
First Impressions:
It took me a while to get into the verbiage of the era, but then, I realized how difficult it must be to get inside the mind of a 19th century black woman when you're a 20th century white man. Huge kudos for such an undertaking!
Cut:
Nuttin', honey.
Polish:
She pivoted and entered through the mahogany doors
How did she enter the doors? I'm thinking with a feeling of reverence, but I'm blanking out on a decent synonym.
A few spots where compound sentences could be separated just to mix up the rhythm a little bit.
Shine: “That woman could march cats through a fish market without a one breaking ranks. And if she sets her mind on introducing you to Mrs. Lincoln, don’t you doubt it for a moment.”
Awesome way to end that section. Love the colorful phrases inserted into the speech.
Then, like Eve and the serpent, they both smiled warmly.
Zing!
Overall:
Love the concept, the speech (although I'm not an expert, sounds okay to me), love that it's a literary novel instead of *fight, explosion, kiss, repeat* that sells so well, as you claim.
Not so sure about the ending to the chapter. I think you're trying to show the difference in societal rules depending on who's present, which is awesome. It feels unsettling because you didn't give the driver's reaction. We can assume they got home safely, but still, the tension. A-ha! It's foreshadowing the racial tension in the book. Sneaky...
I hesitated between 4 and 4.5, because I think the idea is so incredibly original, and of course I have insider knowledge of the ending.
Thanks for letting me have first crack at your novel, Bill.
I found the link to your story in an old newsletter.
This is good stuff! I can tell you put a lot of thought into the comedy. Especially love the last one about the baseball game.
Two thoughts:
Maybe put a blank line between paragraphs to make the text easier to read for those over 40.
It's really long. Consider making the baseball game another story unto itself.
Loved this. A unique perspective on the Bible. I think Saul is my brother from another mother--I'd step on Satan's face to get to a country ham sandwich myself.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
I've read a lot of cutting poems and this is undoubtedly one of the best. It flows well, each stanza going logically to the next. I especially love the ending lines--you punch them hard. And you know I'm a sucker for assonance.
I'm doubly impressed because I watched you write this in ten minutes while I was holding the baby. I just don't know how you can whip 'em out so quickly. To say I'm jealous would be an understatement.
Fave lines: I cut this flesh to live, not die
NOt usually my cup of tea, but I can feel your emotion and your reasoning in a few short verses. I'll be back.
Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.
First Impressions:
If I didn't know you in real life, I'd assume you wore thick eyeliner and dressed in layers of black. You are such a colorful and vibrant person that I still can't wrap my head around this poem. Even though I know your relationship. It's way darker and deeper than anything I write.
Cut:
Please. Wouldn't dream of it.
Polish:
Not being a poetry expert, I'm coming at this from a short story perspective. In my opinion, all the -ing words weaken the intensity of the images. In other words all these things are happening at the same time and I can't hold onto a single image. I suggest removing most of the ings and using the present or past tense as appropriate.
For example: Withering trees, dead flowers (withered trees, dead flowers)
The biggest suggestion is to ADD MORE POEMS TO YOUR PORT. No one can read just one...
Shine:
Love the vibrant imagery--the melodrama--the intensity of emotion.
Favorite line/s: Teeth bared, numb tongued-this silence is your weapon –
Overall:
I had no idea you could write poetry, girl. Just another of the many talents that make you one of the coolest chicks in the universe.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
Poetry is not my specialty, but I'm always up to giving an opinion.
First Impressions:
Cool picture, but it doesn't do the poem justice!
Suggestions:
star filled
star-filled?
hums of promised tomorrows and carries away
I keep wanting a cue to pause after tomorrows, but that could be me. I know commas are deeply personal convictions.
My favorite line/s: The warmth of the sun fades with its light,
replaced by the star filled blanket of night.
Petals, once spread, to capture the sun
now enfold each other. Their work is done.
Final Thoughts:
Outstanding imagery describing a slice of sunset. This holds so many more levels of meaning--the sunset of life, the seeds of a new generation, etc. It manages to be universal and uniquely personal at the same time. *claps* Consider yourself lauded.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
Glad to see you again!
This review is only my opinion. I promise I'm not picking on you; all my short story reviews tend to be in-depth.
First Impressions:
A bad idea in real life but a great idea for a story.
Suggestions:
That’s when the lights went off. It was deathly quiet in the second floor office with no air conditioning hum or fluorescent light buzz.
Love this image! Great use of sight and sound.
I also like the computer updates and the news report the next day.
The main suggestion I have is in the pacing/timing. Opportunities to enhance the tension could be better utilized in some spots. For example, sliding down something from a roof top is pretty exhilarating. It would be neat to have that sensation as a prelude to the frantic questioning about her husband's location. They would work together to elevate the urgency, in my opinion.
The other suggestion is to eliminate most of the background information in the setup including the opening dialogue. She's working late because she had been on vacation and the bank is in the same building--that's the most important information. We never hear from Barb again, so she's extraneous. Tightening the beginning might leave more words for the action sequences.
My favorite line/s: Trying not to make a sound, my oxygen level dropped to the point where I thought I would pass out. I could hear footsteps of more than one person, but they were being mighty quiet, too
Final Thoughts:
It's neat to see all sides of the situation in this piece--husband, wife, and official reports.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
For someone "learning poetry" you sure have impeccable rhythm in this piece!
Suggestions:
The fourth stanza does not contain the same "seas of sorrow" reference as the other stanzas. Not sure if that was intentional.
Wondering if this is a story "only I can tell" as a rhetorical device, or if you actually knew the Senator?
My favorite line/s: He often sat upon the steps just looking out to sea,
thinking how to pass the laws to keep his people free.
Family was his greatest joy who gave him happy tears,
to wash away the angry thoughts and silent lonely fears.
Final Thoughts:
Really impressed with the extended metaphor here, including the repeated idea of "seas of sorrow". Uplifting to see Mr. Kennedy's accomplishments. His inner drive to help his constituents is displayed nicely--very moving. I also like the reference to his sorrow at his brothers' passing and "Camelot".
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
A sad yet beautiful tribute to a friend.
Suggestions:
I like the form here. The repeated line does give a nice punch and each ending line is chosen for maximum impact. The only concern is that "ing" in the second stanza is a weak rhyme.
My favorite line/s: I asked her to free life's malice
And encase me in Heaven's bliss
She agreed,gave me her last kiss
Her I now miss,her I now miss.
Final Thoughts:
Need to put a space after the commas.
This made me think of my Mom. Thanks for pulling out those bittersweet memories.
First Impressions:
Don't be surprised if I show up on your doorstep expecting some Rajma and idlis--the descriptions have my mouth watering.
Suggestions:
The only way this revenge could be sweeter would be for the mother of the spoiled child to get her just desserts too.
Favorite line/s:
“You know, litchis resemble frog’s kidneys, feel them - so soft and squishy.” I savoured the words more than the fruit dissolving in my mouth.
Overall:
Is this based on your childhood experiences? It certainly reads "true". Loved all the sights and colors of India, and the internal machinations of a precocious child. Nice job.
First Impressions:
I had to read it several times because I have a mental block against poker--I can never remember what beats what. Even with a cheat sheet. Not to worry, the action carried me right along.
Suggestions:
None.
Favorite line/s: That image, of victoriously tossing down my suited pocket cards, was the one that stayed with me. I couldn’t resist its allure.
Overall:
I liked the inner calculations which could be another technique to keep his cool. Immaculate pacing, letting the reader sweat along with the player, card by card, through the conclusion to the satisfying "lemonade" ending. Nicely done.
First Impressions: I totally understand the man's mental state at the time of the assault.
Suggestions:
none
Favorite line/s: She'd accessorized her outfit with a clutch purse, a pearl necklace and matching earrings. To the accessories she'd selected had been added a set of handcuffs identical to his; she also had her very own policeman in close attendance.
Overall:
I like the professionalism of the staff in treating the patient. Of course they had information about the wound we don't know until the end. When he finally recounts the tale of how the devil's food made him do it I was laughing all the way to the refrigerator.
First Impressions:
A realistic portrayal of old relationships and the antics of kids.
Suggestions:
None.
I was a bit confused when Wendy showed up in the car because Cheryl and Tammy were talking about her behind her back. On second thought, that's realistic too.
Favorite line/s: Light gleamed on the can of hairspray like a ray of sunshine breaking through a storm cloud. She took a tentative step forward, not trusting her eyes, afraid it and the thin-toothed comb next to it would vanish like a mirage.
Overall:
This proves how hard it is to change bad habits you've cultivated over many years. Nicely done.
First Impressions:
Clear images and realistic banter hooked me from the first paragraph.
Suggestions: He hoped that this latest pest would passed on the word
had passed on the word?
Favorite line/s: One gnarled old finger rose to point dramatically at his chest. "You have a car!" she informed him, in the triumphant tones of Columbus announcing his discovery of the Indies.
Overall:
A nice mix of telling and showing and action and emotion. I can only aspire to be half the character Vivianne is when I grow up. Exceptional write.
Suggestions:
No errors noted. A polished and nuanced piece of writing.
Favorite line/s: “Oh, yes,” I say, nodding slowly. “Thank you so much for coming down to the station with the bail money, dear. I don't know what I'd do without you."
Overall:
While I do have questions about how long Gran has grown a prickly spine, this reader is very satisfied. Gran's an amazing character and so I'm happy to suspend disbelief to go on a wild ride. Especially enjoyed the possibilities of the ending, and I'd love to see more stories featuring her antics.
Your port was chosen at random, and it is an honor to review your work on Author Appreciation day. Please accept or discard my suggestions according to your blueprint for this work.
First Impressions:
The last thing that Mr and Mrs Blue expected to see that twilly morning early in August was a sleeping white tiger with a bell in its teeth.
That's how you reel in the reader with the first sentence! Although this American doesn't know what "twilly" means.
Suggestions:
Mr Blue said, "the world....
Mr. Blue said, "The world.....
Lines of dialogue should be capitalized.
My favorite line/s: Soldiers in tight scarlet trousers, the third thing that Mr and Mrs Blue expected to see, careened around the corner in a body and fell in a heap on the bubblegummed pavement.
Final Thoughts:
Write more short stories! This one is packed with delightful observations and evocative phrasing.
I have no idea what the tiger means, or why Mr. and Mrs. Blue were seeing things, but I love this story anyway. Highly original!
Write on; shine on!
Kimchi
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Wouldn't dream of it.
Thanks for pulling out those bittersweet memories.
