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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kingalex1234
Review Requests: ON
12 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to be constructive, though I've been known to be a bit too nice...at least, in my opinion. note that while I'll review anything requested, they can be a bit sloppy if I don't take interest.
I'm good at...
story development in general, and word phrasing. I can also see when a story gets TOO into detail.
Favorite Item Types
I LOVE interactive stories, though I'm willing to review others as well
I will not review...
anything that doesn't catch my interest. of course, this can be completely random.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Gate 11A  Open in new Window.
Review by kingalex1234 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
huh...well, Paul definitely has my attention. I'm not quite sure what to make of the story, it was well written, but I found myself confused during a majority of it, perhaps that was on purpose. I also wasn't quite satisfied with the ending, but that's more of a personal opinion than anything.

now, non-plot based, you're writing was very good. You described things pretty well, though I feel you can do better.

Overall, I liked the story. Keep writing!
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Review by kingalex1234 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Great story so far! I think it has a lot of potential, and can probably become a series of books if you wanted!

First, I'll start with a positive: the idea is great! The thought of an ordinary person being pulled into a different dimension, or even a matrix of dimensions, is incredible!

Now for some negatives. This is your first story, so you're a beginner, and I get it. Note that my criticism is not me attacking your story, but rather me trying to help you build a better one.

A major issue was spacing. Having it be one huge paragraph makes it bulky and hard to follow, which could easily cause someone to give up on reading, regardless of what the content is.

Next, excessive punctuation. I noticed that throughout your writing, there were many places where periods would be better off as commas, and commas didn't need to be there. It's a good idea to say your sentence out loud and see if it sounds right with the current punctuation.

And lastly, the story. You spent a lot of time on details, which isn't exactly bad, but you spent so much time on details that there wasn't much story there. With so much detail in so little story, it was hard to stay fully interested. On top of that, the transition from introduction to plot came abruptly and quickly, not a good combination.

Again, I love the idea, and can't wait to see what you do with it, so hopefully you take my criticism as abuse, and not me attacking your story. Hope to read more, keep writing!
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Review by kingalex1234 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Let's start off on a positive note: it was captivating. I loved the conveyed feeling of love and joy, especially the familiar feelings most kids have on Christmas eve. Something you have that I didn't when I first began writing is paragraphing; whether it was developed from a different reviewers suggestion or whether you knew already I don't know, but you have the paragraphing right.

now, onto the critique. It might have been my tired eyes, it might have been wording, I don't know, but I found it a bit hard to continuously read the story without jumping from line to line. that's not to say it was boring, but maybe poor word choice.

you had a few times where your wording didn't quite make sense. Maybe you have a different dialect, maybe you aren't quite sure what you were trying to portray yourself, but a couple times I had to stop and re-read the sentence to get what you meant...I'll list a few examples.

"the air was electric with excitement." I know it was a metaphor, but it was a bit tricky to understand. perhaps "the air was static with excitement" or "the air was tense with excitement" fits better, flowing a bit more lie actual wording.

next, there's "I would like to share with all of y'all." again, meaning clear as day, but the wording isn't the best. In my experience, "y'all" means you all, and are you really going to say "all of you all?" instead, maybe "I would like to share with y'all" or "I would like to share with you all" is better.

lastly, the ending. a great story, and ending with the dream was brilliant, but you set it up as a story, with you as the narrator. now, the ending can be considered good...if it was an essay you were writing. wrap up your story in a way that makes it feel a complete story, and not someone writing an essay.

I know, I was probably a bit harsh. normally, I review full positive, with a few things here and there. however, you're the first person who asked me to review, and you added that you wanted me to tell you what you needed to work on. On that note, I also noticed "other" as both story type and genre. I won't tell you what to make them, but if you'd like suggestions let me know!

good job, keep writing!

P.S. sorry about the long review, I wanted to make sure I helped you as much as possible.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Reflection  Open in new Window.
Review by kingalex1234 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
your poem is structured a lot like a song...I like it. It portrayed a clear impression of how the author feels writing a story, poem, a piece of literature...It's really good.
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