You captured the birthday celebration very well while avoiding the taboo words. I especially liked the phrase “Anticipation rides the air”. When reading “a knife wheeled”, I wonder if you meant “wielded” instead. After reading that line, I half expected a violent twist to the ending. :)
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It definitely fits the flash fiction genre, especially with the surprise ending. When she said: “... left for a while...”, I was thinking they were separated and she wasn’t yet accepting it. I liked the “target” analogy about how well the gifts suited her desire. The repetition of “dragging up to my room” at the end was a great way to end the piece. Really well done!
This is a pretty comprehensive view of what I too believe hell lis like. I think I would replace the question mark with the three periods after torture for two reasons: It gives more consistency to the poem I believe demons do torture the souls in hell.
I wonder if there is such a thing as “list poetry” as its own form. ;)
I found this intriguing. I’m guessing the bolded words are words from the card you pulled for your blog that day yet you were able to use it for flash fiction. I like how you wove the theme of beauty (mandela) and chance (the varied stuff the raven brought and the suddenness of the rain. I’m not at all familiar with Tarot cards but I have come across “archetype” cards. You might find them useful.
I like the repeating pattern of “in time, in time” and the rhyme of “again” in the second last stanza. I am left thinking after the first stanza that the caller is going to leave someone and after reading the entire poem, I’m still not sure who is being left or even if the leaving was successful. There is good imagery. It is a very cryptic poem - but maybe that’s the point. ;)
I thoroughly enjoyed these. What I most like is what is left to the imagination. It takes flash fiction to a whole new level.
Another thing I enjoyed was the wide range of genres I saw here. I'm eager to see more of these.
The approach of a “memoir” within a dialogue works really well. The character of Moses with his dialogue and action is very realistic and appealing. It made me wish I could have known him. His gift with horses makes me think of how it must have been with Adam and the creatures of the earth before the Fall. I like how you show that it pays to go with your instincts even when the facts seem to dictate otherwise and the values that are implicit in the story.
This is an interesting take on the Aladdin story. It reminds me of the Harry Potter series in that the original Aladdin did not have magic powers and Harry Potter used his magic for good purposes. Also, in the Harry Potter series, there were those who did and those who did not have magic power. Those who did usually inherited rather than earned the ability.
There was a jarring shift of viewpoint from 3rd person to 1st person in the sentence: “I walked back over to my table … “ I would change this to “Aladdin returned to his table, Coke in hand.”
The phrase “The voice of the angry woman through Al’s head” seems to be missing a word. Instead of “the voice of the angry woman” , I suggest “the angry woman’s voice”.
In the paragraph starting with “Ryan looked from Lucas in the air…”, I would omit the phrase “After a couple more head-swiveling thoughts”.
The end of this phrase totally mystified me. “She knelt down in front of Al.mpletl.” I realize it is a typo but have no clue what it should be saying. Definitely need to run a spell-check on this! ;)
In the phrase “Is this here?”, I think “here” needs to be “her”. This is where a spell-check would not help but careful proofreading should catch.
You have a similar issue in the phrase: “What are you going her?” where “going” should be “doing” and “her” should be “here” .
This story has potential. It stands well on it’s own yet begs for a sequel. This reader would love to know how the relationship develops between Al and Sasha. Just as an aside, perhaps you could give those who have magic Arabic names and those who don’t have it American names.
Cyber-dialogue is a neat mechanism to portray characters and tell a story. Your description of Patrick’s appearance and lifestyle is excellent. Perhaps you could let the reader know if he has any kind of job or if he is on welfare. You give us a clear picture of Mable’s lifestyle (should be spelled “Mabel”) but you don’t tell us what she looks like. Even so, you capture in their dialogue the deception they are working on each other.
If you were interested in expanding this, you could show each of them in conversations with others who already know them and show the reactions of these others to Mabel and Patrick that would give the reader more insight into each of them by using only dialogue and a minimum of narration.
Obviously neither Patrick nor Mabel would ever suggest a meeting since both are engaged in deceiving as well as being deceived. What if one of them really was what they portrayed themselves to be and wanted to meet the other one? That could prove very interesting! ;)
I really like your idea of telling a story through a series of blog posts. Your style is natural and the personality comes through with delightful clarity.
Have you considered telling a story using blog posts from two or more characters telling a story that involves all of them? It would have interesting possibilities. Transitions would be very simple to handle. You only need to put the character's name (or alias) and the date in the header. You might want to map out a story line and the basic personalities of the characters involved. Minor characters could be brought in by simply having one of the main characters (bloggers) mention them in connection with one of the events.
Once I wrote a story in the form of a chat room dialogue (or more like an instant messaging session since there were only two characters talking). It was a fun experiment!
All three parts were interesting but I didn’t get the connection between them. Is there supposed to be one? I liked the middle one the best. You did an excellent job portraying both characters and your description of his practices were “matter-of-fact” in tone which served to emphasize their gruesome character.
Format, Grammar, Spelling etc.
“shear **should be sheer** force to come…”
“come **should be Come**, I have waited…”
“Shanes **should be Shane’s** thought ended …”
“like he was the pray **should be prey** …”
“I, I have to get the money …” ** put three periods instead of a comma between the “I”s
Suggestions
There are quite a few places where the sentence structure is awkward with too many commas. It might be better to break it up into two sentences.
“… put human emotions deep inside himself…” Replace “deep inside himself” with “deep within” since you use the word himself in the previous sentence.
This story has a lot of potential. The ending was very well done and the characters are well-portrayed. The opening doesn’t hook the reader. If possible, start with action such as the answering of the door. The luxury of his home can be shown to the reader through the eyes of the guests. The title already tells us it is a mansion so the reader expects luxury.
Their son Donny could be aged a little younger if he’s going to be sitting on his mother’s lap. Since he’s frightened from the time they knock at the door, you might want to give the reader some idea why or else just portray him as a bit shy. After agreeing to let them stay, perhaps have Colice gesture to the stairs indicating bedrooms on an upper floor if you want to give the impression of a large “manor-like” dwelling.
It is a bit too “wordy” in places but that is easily fixed. With a bit of editing, this would make a good flash fiction piece.
Format, Grammar, Spelling etc.
“he continued to stair **should be stare** at the double doors…”
“taking off his hat for manors **should be manners**”
“role **should be roll** up the shades” (Perhaps drawing aside heavy curtains instead?)
Suggestions for selected phrases
Change “The room in which he was at…” to “The room where he sat…”
Change “The walls that were wrapped around the room…” to simply “The walls…”
Change “It held an older man…” to “It portrayed an older man…”
Change “Upon arrival of the door…” to “Colice opened the door to reveal three friendly people…”
Omit the phrase “Indeed, I did have a wife before”.
This was very well done. I felt like I was inside the mind of a teenage boy. He is a likeable character. The action flowed well and the dialogue was realistic. You hint at things but do a very good job at keeping the reader guessing and wondering what is going on. At first I thought he was a vampire but they don’t function this well during the day!
One inconsistency I noticed was about the emerald. When he goes to put the jewel back on the counter before doing his homework, you refer to it as a ruby. I’m not sure if the title really fits since there is no mention of music; unless you have him hearing Bach sonatas in his head every time he sees the girls.
The phrase “crevice of my mind” could be “crevice of my soul” – but not sure the word “crevice” really fits here. In the phrase “crumpling into my computer chair”, maybe the word “collapsing” instead? The ending wasn’t really an ending of a story but a great way to end the first chapter. I went looking at your port, disappointed NOT to find more chapters of this. Once this story is complete, I could see it published.
Impressions:
This is a captivating opening to a story that I am eager to see the rest of. The characters are interesting and appealing. The use of first person “stream of consciousness” with dialogue to provide information to the reader works well.
What I liked: The conversational style of the narrator The fact that Les has such a wide variety of interests – I always love stories involving writers. The humour in the dialogue
Errors: “your” should be “you’re” in the phrase: “Your not here to take it back…” “ray” should be “my” in the phrase: “none of ray students”. A very abrupt change to Sensei Davis’ viewpoint. Add in some astericks or white space around this section to provide a transition.
Genres: Emotional - Experience - Relationship by Rachwrites82
Form: ·The meter seems to be iambic dimeter and there is rhyme but it seems forced. The meter is off in the first line of verse 4.
Imagery & Theme: ·Clarity seems to be sacrificed to make the rhyme work. ·In the second verse, the word “joyful” doesn’t make sense. ·In the third verse, the word “cherished” also doesn’t make sense.
Comments & Suggestions: ·In the first line of verse 1 “Her soul was cracked” ·In the first line of verse 2 “woeful” instead of “joyful” ·In the first line of verse 3, omit “was” and replace “cherished” with “uncherished” ·In the first line of verse 4, “Her heart was joyless”
Genres: Action/Adventure - Horror/Scary - Romance/Love by Douger
Rating 4.0
Impressions:
Chilling tale with a great twist ending. I can’t help wondering how Teri and Brad got involved, unless it was something Teri and Zach planned. I don’t usually care for horror and initially thought it was a romance. Not exactly Romeo and Juliet, that’s for sure – though the “clan” involvement was an interesting touch. Wonder how this clan would have reacted if Teri was in love with Brad, not Zach? Do werewolves have “arranged marriages”? <chuckle>
Errors: A heavy, impenetrable darkness filled the. – There is definitely a word missing here. Zach held Tina tightly in his arms. – Tina should be Teri I think.
"Aleena's Story" 13+: A tragic tale of a young girl who thought she had found true love. Overall impressions
Great dialogue that tells the story and portrays Aleena clearly through the narrator’s eyes. The action mixed in makes it clear who is talking and displays the emotions of both girls. We’re left in the dark as to exactly what Aleena expects our narrator to do. I especially liked the ending sentence. It shows compassion in action
Questions & Suggestions In the opening line, after the words “help me”, insert a name so the reader knows who the narrator is. In the sentence: “It was parting of ways then “, insert the word “a” before “parting” and leave out “then”. In the sentence: “I headed towards the red brick building…”, give the building a name. Join the “Eight years later” to “I was shopping” and make it one sentence. Perhaps use a few astericks and some white space to indicate transition. Show what Aleena was doing when she was bumped into… looking at magazines or something. What were the narrator’s children doing while she and Aleena were having coffee? They would not have sat still and been quiet while the adults talked.
"Poor Iris" 13+: In desperation, Iris makes a choice she would not otherwise make. Short story, ~400 words. Rating 4.0
{Overall Impression:}
You did a great job making the reader feel Iris’s mix of desperation and terror. The piece has a rhythmic “litany” feel to it that emphasizes her need and attempt to boost her courage. The ending is heartbreaking. This guy will never fully appreciate what she’s giving up for whatever money he’ll give her. Leaving the reader at this point is dramatic and stirs imagination. How will he respond? Will he even believe her?
{Favourite lines:} …A courtesy laugh… …“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked with no real concern in his voice.
{Suggestions/Questions:} “Sweat rolled off her back as she ground against a significantly taller girl in cowboy boots.” Not sure what you’re telling us here. What does “ground against” mean and why did she do it? Why didn’t they negotiate a price before he started removing her clothes? The phrase “frequented by pornos” sounds awkward and isn’t really necessary. Also it makes Iris seem less innocent, giving the impression she watched pornos.
Genres: Emotional - Experience - Romance/Love by James Wyatt
Overall Impression:
The detailed description was excellent as was the dialogue. I could feel the passion and bond between Jack and Riley. However this story seems very choppy and confusing. I read it a few times and still felt disoriented. If Jack and Riley were so crazy about each other, why didn’t they stay together? There doesn’t seem to be any strong reason for Jack to leave with Will. Yet they both seem to have ended up with other people but don’t let go of each other really. If he’s always going to love her, why does he stay with Lucy? The transitions are abrupt and there are places where the reader can get confused. Jack seems to be weak and unstable and confused; perhaps he’s afraid of commitment? It is hard to be sympathetic to Jack after a while. Perhaps that is the effect you intended.
What I Liked: ·The passion and depth of feeling you portrayed in Jack. ·A great job using third person omniscient. Most of the time you stayed with Jack but you also showed what Will was thinking and his fear that Jack would change his mind. · Very realistic dialogue
Favourite Lines: … His legs begged him to sit, but Jack refused … the liquor in Jack's stomach wasn't happy with his little marathon
Suggestions & Questions:
Perhaps the story could be fleshed out a bit to answer some questions likely to arise in a reader’s mind: What gives Jack the idea that Riley is tough? What stops Riley from going with Jack? Why does she hate Florida? How long was Jack in Florida before returning to Michigan? What was the weird thing that happened and did it happen the same night he ran down the road and 4am?
In the opening, there is the sentence: “Before this, she would say "It's for the best, right?" This seems to imply that this is not their first parting. How many partings have there been and what were the durations?
The first line and the paragraph that starts with “This night as Jack ran…” seem to be related but it isn’t clear when this happens in relation to the previous parting scene. How did Jack know Riley was going to leave him that night? What night was that?
The transition is too abrupt and I was lost. Then the next paragraph seems to be a return to when he was leaving her to go to Florida.
There is an account of a visit for a couple of days. Why only that long? Why didn’t they stay together if things were going so well and they were so much in love?
The next scene is at Suzie Q’s and the reader has no idea how long of a time interval or what events passed between those two scenes. If he was happy with Lucy, why see Riley again?
Summary
This story has a lot of potential. Your characters and description are vivid and their passion comes through strongly. I hope you continue working on this. I'd be delighted to review your next version. You have a lot of talent. Keep writing!
Monique from Ottawa, Canada
No matter what, WRITE!}
Impressions:
I could feel Anthony’s ambivalence about being in her office and her desire to reach and help him as well as her shocked sympathy about the condition of his arms. The piece had a whole “finished” feeling. The picture was an effective device as well. It made me want to see it.
What I liked: · The opening with dialogue and a touch of humor · You show Anthony’s feelings and unwillingness to talk about his mother by his behaviour such as staring at the picture · The ending that explains why Anthony was so badly bruised
Favourite lines: …with the words he offered her …her pen itched to scratch the paper
Errors:
Didn’t find any.
Monique from Ottawa, Canada
No matter what, WRITE!}
"CHARLY'S GIFT" E: Original text. reference only. Please see Revised edition
{Overall Impression:}
This is a beautiful story that celebrates the power of music to heal what is broken in us. I hope you do write a sequel.
{Favourite lines:} trees that whispered praises to the blue sky
{Emotional Impact:}
I was deeply touched by this story. Having experienced rejection from other children because I was “different”, I would have envied Charly for having someone who was willing to risk the ridicule of others to be her friend. I love music and was delighted at the part when Charly discovered she could do so much more than play the same old pieces. I could feel her amazement and excitement.
{Characters & Dialogue:}
I like how she described her age as “fifteen and nine” then later described her progress in similar terms. I also like how you showed the main character’s (does he have a name?) courage in befriending Charly. He was afraid of how his friends would tease him but he overcame that. Charly’s innocence comes through so clearly in so many ways.
{Other elements (Setting, POV, Plot):}
You did a great job staying within the main character’s viewpoint. I didn’t notice anything that was something he could not have known. I was surprised that Charly wanted to keep her accomplishment secret and made sure that her friend would keep it by kissing then threatening to tell about it if he spilled her secret. Perhaps she was planning even then to surprise everyone?
{Suggestions & Comments:} Certain words that should only be one word: “un-cool” and “dumbfounded”. Maybe the space between these was a typo but I’m not sure. In the sentence “No Gate would slow me down”, I think “gate” should not be capitalized. Perhaps you could have her study to do music therapy for disturbed children or something like that.
Monique from Ottawa, Canada
No matter what, WRITE!}
"For A Genius..." 13+: A young man with a remarkable ego learns the true nature of excellence.
Overall Impression:
You show really well how full of himself, how arrogant and self-centered the main character is. It is really hard to like him or feel any liking for him. Even at the end, I didn’t feel sympathetic to him at all. If there was some hint of weakness or vulnerability or some redeeming characteristic, the reader would feel empathy. However, if you wanted to create a real jerk, you succeeded very well!
Favourite lines:
“Way to suck, Timmy!” Exactly the sort of expression you’d expect to hear from a teen.
“Because I didn’t think!” How ironic when he obviously perceived himself to be quite the intellectual!
Seventeen years of self-deception flowed from me in that salty concoction…” This is a great metaphor making me think of the self-deception as a poisonous fluid.
Emotional Impact:
I felt mostly disgust at the beginning along with amazement that this guy even had any friends. At the end I was furious with the protagonist – especially since a very close friend of mine was hit by a car driven by a young man later convicted of careless driving. I felt the desperation and fear Chris felt seeing Timmy lying on the road.
Characters & Dialogue:
Using the first person worked really well here to show us how this kid’s mind worked. The setting was typical and realistic. The ending was a surprise yet totally realistic given the character you portrayed.
Suggestions & Comments:
In your comment about Timmy being “drug” along should maybe read “dragged along”? It just sounded really strange.
In the part where the friend asked about the book, it would help if you gave the character a name. Was it Chris or someone else?
At some point in the dialogue, it would help if one of the characters said the name of the main character so the reader has a “label” for him.
Monique from Ottawa, Canada
No matter what, WRITE!}
"The Thinking Chair" E: I Was Bad So My Teacher Sent Me to the Thinking Chair
{Overall Impression:}
Both delightful and hilarious. You showed your personality and where it likely originated. Surprising career choice for Daniel though. I was expecting an occupation on the OTHER side of the law. ;)
{Favourite lines:}
I didn't regret shaking the living daylights out of that scoundrel - oh no - not for one minute.
Only his version was that I got sent to the "Electric" chair...
{Suggestions & Comments:}
I like how you show movement from past to present and also back to a further point in the past. Also, it's not cliché because you DIDN'T "reform" which makes it so much more realistic.
{user: Kit_ISIS_Kat} {email: kit1197@Writing.Com } No matter what, keep writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is very poetic and flows nicely at first. Did you read it out loud to yourself? I'd break the longest sentence into at least 3! I felt out of breath reading it. ;) I guess you could consider this to be prose poetry. It feels like reading a poem even though it's prose. Another image that comes to mind is that time is like a river, flowing slowly in some places and swiftly in others. On a humourous note, I've heard it said that time is like toilet paper. The closer to the end it is, the faster it goes! ;)
I love the theme of this. You contrast large and small using the oak and the bonsai. There are so many other contrasts possible such as fat vs thin. Those who are more than an average size are often judged as lazy and undisciplined, among other things. Until we accept who we are, we'll judge others. The bonsai is content with its size and doesn't envy the oak. Wonder what the oak thinks of the bonsai, assuming it bothers to notice him? ;)
The poem is well-done. My personal preference is a regular rhythm to a poem rather than free verse. Except for Japanese forms of course! ;)
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It gives more consistency to the poem
The conversational style of the narrator
·The meter seems to be iambic dimeter and there is rhyme but it seems forced. The meter is off in the first line of verse 4.
·In the first line of verse 1 “Her soul was cracked”
What were the narrator’s children doing while she and Aleena were having coffee? They would not have sat still and been quiet while the adults talked.
trees that whispered praises to the blue sky