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Review of The Rock of Death  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey PureSciFi,
I came across your piece through the random review. Your short science fiction piece, The Rock of Death, captures a heavy, terminal moment in a space setting. Here is my review, I hope you accept my opinion on the narrative and technical execution:
Overall Impression
The story leans into a classic sci-fi "doom" trope. It effectively builds a sense of hopelessness as the crew realizes they have no escape. The ending is abrupt and punchy, leaving the reader with a stark image of the character’s final thoughts being centered on a personal connection (the picture).
Strengths
• Pacing: The dialogue-heavy approach moves the plot quickly toward the inevitable collision, which fits the "few minutes" timeline described.
• Emotional Hook: Focusing on the pictures of loved ones at the end adds a human element to a high-concept sci-fi disaster.
Areas for Improvement
• Technical Terminology: The story uses the terms "Comet" and "large rock" interchangeably. Scientifically, comets are mostly ice and dust with a visible tail (coma), while asteroids are rocky. Clarifying the nature of the object or the specific "pull" it has on the ship (perhaps a gravitational anomaly) would add depth to the "Hard Sci-Fi" feel.
• Grammar and Mechanics:
• Punctuation: Several sentences are missing commas, particularly after introductory phrases (e.g., "A few minutes later, PyRot was...").
• Word Choice: In the sentence "The effects of that Comet was already affecting thm," "was" should be "were" to match the plural subject "effects," and "thm" is a typo for "them."
• Dialogue Tags: Many of the dialogue tags use "said." Varying these or using action beats (e.g., Haivin gripped the arm of his chair. "Then we have to go around it.") could help convey the characters' mounting panic or resignation.
Key Questions for the Author
The story ends with "The End?", which suggests a possible sequel or a twist. Was the "pull" of the comet actually a tractor beam or something intentional, rather than just a natural disaster?


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Review of Deliverance  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Samm,
I came across your poem on the read and review. I enjoyed your poem. I've also written about addiction if you'd like to read my poems on the subject your more than welcome to check it out. Rising from Rock Bottom item#2350172 if you do decide to read it let me know what you think.
Overall Impression:The poem feels like a sigh of relief mixed with a lingering ache. You’ve done a great job of contrasting the "clean" feeling of leaving medications behind with the "rough ride" of the emotional journey. The metaphor of clinging to hope being like "eating leftovers" is particularly striking—it suggests that hope can feel stale or insufficient when you're truly struggling.
Strengths: The Bridge Metaphor: The "hidden bridge" is a powerful image. It suggests a private turning point that others might not see.
The "Mirror" Stanza: This is the strongest part of the poem. The idea that writing is a form of deliverance, yet the mirror still tells a truth "when no one’s watching," is a very relatable and haunting concept for any creator.
Rhyme Scheme: You maintained a consistent $A-B-A-B$ pattern that gives the poem a rhythmic, song-like quality, which helps balance the heavy subject matter.
Areas for Improvement Choice & Flow: In the final stanza, the rhyme of "wrote" and "thought" is a "slant rhyme" (they don't sound exactly the same). If you want a tighter finish, you might look for a word that rhymes more closely with "wrote," or adjust the phrasing to match the rhythm of the previous stanzas.
Punctuation: The poem currently uses very little punctuation. While this can work for a "stream of consciousness" style, adding a few commas or periods could help the reader know exactly where you want them to pause for breath.
Final Thought the title "Deliverance" fits perfectly. It feels like you are processing a transition from being "treated" to actually trying to "heal" through your own words.


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Review of I Bleed in Ink  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
"I Bleed in Ink" is a hauntingly beautiful poem that uses vivid, surreal imagery to explore the intersection of pain, memory, and the grounding power of love.
Key Strengths
• Evocative Imagery: You establish a powerful atmosphere immediately with phrases like "bruised in shades of dusk" and "swirling storm of violet flame". The metaphor of a "tree of ink" with leaves made of "pages torn and dark" is a brilliant representation of the writing process as a form of survival.
• Emotional Resilience: The poem strikes a delicate balance between despair and hope. While the narrator feels "chained to hope" and "bound by flame," the introduction of "my son’s light" as a tether provides a moving and relatable reason for their continued perseverance.
• Rhythmic Flow: The structured stanzas and consistent rhyme scheme (such as sky/die and remain/flame) create a steady, almost melodic pace that mirrors the narrator’s determined "climb".
Impactful Stanza
The third stanza is particularly striking:
"A tree of ink and twisted bark / stands rooted in this dreamlike land. / Its leaves are pages torn and dark, / each glowing with a trembling hand."
This imagery perfectly captures the physical and emotional weight of putting one's history onto paper.
Overall Impression: This is a deeply personal piece that resonates because it doesn't just describe pain—it describes the active choice to keep moving through it.


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Review of Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall Impression
Home is a deeply moving and evocative poem that captures a spiritual journey from isolation and despair to a sense of belonging and worth. The transition from the "cold" and "gold" storm to the warmth of being "gifted" a life is handled with significant emotional weight. It is an honest and powerful expression of faith.
What Works Well
• Powerful Imagery: The contrast between the chaotic "storm" and the gentleness of a "dandelion in the palm of a child" creates a striking visual shift that underscores the speaker's fragility and eventual safety.
• Emotional Arc: The frantic repetition of "i still need-" effectively mirrors the panic of losing one's way before the final, calming resolution of "Come Home".
• Thematic Depth: You successfully subvert the idea of being "faulty" or "unusable" by redefining worth through divine love and grace rather than personal performance.
Suggestions for Improvement
• Punctuation and Capitalization: I noticed a shift from standard capitalization in the beginning to lowercase ("i", "i’m") in the middle sections. If this was a stylistic choice to show the speaker’s shrinking sense of self, it works quite well! However, if it was unintentional, you may want to standardize it for a more consistent finish.
• The Storm Paradox: In the first stanza, the speaker calls the storm a "mess you made," but later the voice says the storm was given to show "God-given worth". This is a profound point; adding a few more lines to bridge how the mess becomes a tool for showing worth could make that revelation feel even more earned.
Final Thoughts
This is a beautiful piece that will surely resonate with many readers in the Relationship and Religious genres. Thank you for sharing such a personal and hopeful work.


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Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Impression
The entry is a helpful "life-hack" style post for writers who struggle with messy first drafts. It is encouraging and written in a direct, accessible voice that makes technology feel less intimidating. The author, Muttley, successfully highlights a personal pain point—rough drafts in 2025—and offers a clear solution found in December 2025.
Strengths
• Clear Instructions: The step-by-step numbering makes the process very easy to follow.
• Relatability: Admitting that drafts were "rough" makes the author relatable to other writers.
• Efficiency: The claim that it takes "five minutes or less" to improve your writing is a strong hook for busy authors.
Tips for Improvement
• Visual Aid: While the text mentions "Look above to see how I used Dynalist," adding a Portfolio Image of a sample list would reinforce the instructions.
• Formatting: Since this is a tutorial-style post, using WritingML to bold the steps or add a horizontal rule between the story and the instructions could improve the layout.
• Engagement: Adding a question at the end, such as "What tools do you use for your rough drafts?", could encourage more community interaction in the Review Forum.


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Review of A Love So Perfect  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I came across this read through read & review. I found this poem to be a romantic poem, A Love So Perfect by Tim Chiu, is a sweet and sincere tribute to a partner. It captures the essence of a "soulmate" connection through a classic, sentimental lens.

Strengths
Heartfelt Tone: The poem feels deeply personal and genuine. Words like "blessed," "purest of hearts," and "joyful of souls" convey a strong sense of devotion.

Clear Narrative: It follows a lovely progression from the initial spark of meeting ("eyes sparkled") to a committed, lifelong promise.

Accessibility: The language is simple and direct, making the emotions easy for any reader to relate to and understand.

Areas for Reflection
Word Choice: The poem relies heavily on "telling" rather than "showing." For example, using "perfect," "ideal," and "special" tells the reader the relationship is great, but specific imagery—like a shared habit or a particular memory—could help the reader feel that perfection more vividly.

Structure: It reads more like a "prose poem" or a heartfelt letter. Experimenting with a consistent rhyme scheme or more varied line lengths could give it a more melodic, lyrical quality.

Overall Impression
It is a charming piece of Romance/Love poetry that would likely be very moving to the person it was written for. It successfully communicates a sense of gratitude and loyalty.


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Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review Draft: A Journey of Faith and Resilient Service
Overall Impression: This memoir is a deeply moving and sincere reflection on a life defined by quiet resilience, faith, and a commitment to helping others. The author successfully captures the essence of a "life well lived" through a series of personal anecdotes that range from humorous childhood memories to profound spiritual experiences. It is an excellent legacy piece that demonstrates how extraordinary a life can be when measured by kindness and duty.

Strengths:

Authentic Voice: The narrative feels personal and honest. Including small, humanizing details—like the "mean" attitude of not holding his future wife's hand at a football game—makes the author very relatable.

Emotional Depth: The section regarding Jaylene is particularly touching. The description of the "profound silence" that followed her passing adds a layer of vulnerability that resonates with the reader.

Compelling Climax: The account of waking from a coma with a blood sugar reading of 1248 is a powerful testament to the author's faith and provides a strong spiritual anchor for the story.

Tips for Improvement:

Address Repetition: There is a minor repetitive sentence regarding Jaylene’s education: "She told me she lived near Shelley, Idaho, and mentioned she had graduated from Shelley High School" appears twice in succession. Removing the duplicate would improve the professional polish of the piece.

Pacing Transitions: The shift from his career in special education to the introduction of his wife, Jaylene, feels a bit abrupt. Adding a single sentence to bridge his professional life with his personal search for a partner would help the narrative flow more smoothly.


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Review of The Gift  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I came across this on Read & Review.
Overall Impression
The poem tells a clear, heartfelt story about Jason, a man who discovers that the more he gives to others, the more he is provided for by a higher power. It effectively uses a narrative structure to move from the character's physical exhaustion to his spiritual renewal. The message—that helping others is a "pleasure" but also a "toll" that requires divine strength to maintain—is one that many readers will find relatable and moving.
Strengths
• Clear Narrative Arc: You do an excellent job of setting the scene in the snowy copse and using flashbacks to explain how Jason reached that point of exhaustion.
• Relatable Characterization: Jason is portrayed as a humble man who helps others even when he feels he has nothing left to give, making him an easy protagonist to root for.
• Thematic Consistency: The poem stays focused on its core message of faith and service from the first stanza to the last.
Tips for Improvement
• Punctuation and Flow: There are a few places where missing punctuation (like a period at the end of the ninth stanza) or the choice of word order (e.g., "Fatigued he was") feels slightly forced to maintain the rhyme. Smoothing these out could help the poem read more naturally.
• Show, Don't Tell: While the narrative is clear, adding more sensory details about the "gift" itself or the specific emotions Jason feels during his interactions might deepen the reader's connection to the story.
• Rhyme Scheme Consistency: Most of the poem follows an AABB or ABCB pattern, but some stanzas feel a bit tighter than others. Reviewing the syllable count (meter) of each line can help ensure a consistent "musical" quality throughout the piece.


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Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I came across this in Read & Review. This poem, Non-Appeasement: All Out Acts of War, offers a stark, urgent commentary on modern geopolitics and national defense.
Overall Impression
The piece effectively captures a sense of global instability and "impending annals of dissolution". It uses strong, evocative language—such as "clouds of infamy" and "misfit makers"—to establish a tone of serious concern regarding the current state of diplomacy and international relations.
Strengths
• Strong Imagery: The contrast between "shredded and shady diplomacy" and the "silver tassels" of tradition creates a vivid picture of a world moving away from peaceful negotiation toward conflict.
• Topical Relevance: By specifically mentioning tensions in Asia, Europe, and the Middle East, the poem feels grounded in real-world current events.
• Vocabulary: The use of precise, high-level terminology like "verity," "perpetuity," and "formidable obstruction" adds an intellectual weight to the speaker's argument.
Tips for Improvement
• Rhythm and Flow: Some stanzas, particularly the third and fifth, contain very long lines that can disrupt the reading pace. Consider breaking some of these into shorter lines to maintain a more consistent "heartbeat" or cadence.
• Clarity of Metaphor: Phrases like "gypsy, peach-like, golden rays" are beautiful but feel slightly disconnected from the gritty, military tone of the rest of the poem. Integrating these more clearly into the broader theme of "national defense" could make the imagery feel more cohesive.


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Review of Someone I Know  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem, Someone I Know by Elisa, Snowman Stik, is a rhythmic and melancholic exploration of a mind adrift.
Strengths
• Interlocking Structure: The use of repetitive line linking (taking the middle line of one stanza and making it the first line of the next) creates a drifting, cyclical feeling that perfectly matches the subject's "slothlike pace".
• Vivid Imagery: Phrases like "drifts like a snowflake" and "twirling her hair" provide clear, delicate visuals that contrast sharply with the heavier ending of the "mind collapsing".
• Atmosphere: The setting "in front of the fireplace" adds a sense of warmth and stillness, making the internal "collapse" feel more intimate and quiet.
Observations & Ideas
• The Final Stanza: The poem breaks its established three-line structure in the final stanza, expanding to four lines to conclude the piece. This creates a definitive sense of an ending or a "stop" to the drifting.
• Word Choice: The shift from the whimsical "snowflake" to the derogatory "flakes" in the final stanza adds a layer of frustration or judgment from the narrator's perspective.


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Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
In this chapter of Danica #1687 in Elysium, the author skillfully navigates the "morning after" a major emotional shift, blending world-building with a deep dive into the protagonist's complex family dynamics.
Strengths
• The Journaling Device: Starting with a journaling exercise is a clever way to bridge the gap between Danica’s internal thoughts and the narrative. It provides immediate context for her resentment toward her mother and her lingering feelings for Gavin.
• Atmospheric Detail: The description of the "withdrawal" from the "devil’s drug" and the "chowder" routine makes the world of Elysium feel lived-in and tangible.
• Dialogue and Conflict: The conversation between Danica and Diane is painfully authentic. The "thinly veiled disappointment" and the passive-aggressive comments about Danica not having children perfectly capture a strained mother-daughter relationship.
Observations & Ideas
• The "All-Wise" Dynamic: The AI/System character, All-Wise, acts as both a caretaker and a nagging conscience. The way it pushes Danica to see her mother adds a layer of societal or technological pressure to her personal life.
• Character Arc: Danica’s frustration with herself for not being more "assertive" or "backboned" makes her relatable. She is trapped between her desire for a better life and the apathy that seems to plague her society.
Questions for the Author
• The Social Pod: Is this a place we will see Danica visit soon? It sounds like a pivotal location for the society's structure.
• Daenerys's Adventures: The meta-commentary on Danica's own writing is great. Will the plot of her "novel" continue to mirror her actual life in Elysium?


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Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I’d like to join your group if you’d accept me. Thanks so much!!!
Tbh: I’m not sure if I’m doing this right for trying to join this group. I’m new here.
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Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This short essay, Happiness Lies in Little Things in Life, is a refreshing and gentle reminder of the power of mindfulness. Its strength lies in its simplicity and the relatable imagery of new growth on a plant.
Strengths
• Relatable Imagery: Using the bougainvillea shoots as a metaphor for hidden joy is very effective. It grounds the abstract concept of "happiness" in a physical, visual experience.
• Clear Call to Action: The final paragraph moves beyond personal anecdote to invite the reader to set their own intention, making the piece feel interactive and purposeful.
• Sincere Tone: The "Aha!" and the direct address to "Friends" create a warm, conversational atmosphere that suits the subject matter perfectly.
Areas for Improvement
• Sentence Structure: The second paragraph is technically a fragment. Connecting "Just now returned..." to the following sentence or rephrasing it would improve the flow (e.g., "I just now returned from a walk on the terrace, where I felt uplifted by the tiny shoots...").
• Punctuation: The use of multiple exclamation points and ellipses is effective for conveying excitement, but using them more sparingly can sometimes make the "Aha!" moment feel even more impactful.
• Elaboration: While the brevity is a strength, you might consider adding one more "little thing" to show that these moments are everywhere—perhaps the sound of the wind or the warmth of the sun—to further reinforce the theme.
Overall Impression
It is a lovely, bite-sized piece of uplifting prose that serves its purpose well. It doesn't overcomplicate the message, leaving the reader with a clear, positive thought to carry into their day.


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Review of Hush  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Impression
The piece functions beautifully as a meditation on the night sky. It captures a specific, fleeting moment of "importance" by contrasting the vastness of the universe with the smallness of human perception. The tone is hushed and reverent, perfectly matching the title.

Strengths
Inventive Metaphor: Describing an "infant moon" as a "mere cuticle" is a brilliant use of physical, intimate imagery to describe something celestial.

Whimsical Connections: The reference to the "Cheshire cat grin" and the "chortle" of the stars adds a layer of surrealist charm that keeps the poem from feeling too heavy.

Sensory Depth: The shift from visual cues like "raccoon eyes" to the auditory command to "Hush. Listen" creates a full sensory immersion for the reader.

Atmospheric Ending: The final lines regarding the "orchestrations of the universe" leave the reader in a state of wonder, effectively making the vast universe feel like a private performance.

Tips for Improvement
Line Breaks: The transition between the "milky gold" and "celestial soup" could potentially be tightened to enhance the rhythmic "sip" the poem describes.

Clarifying the "Finger": The line "Finger thinking about pointing" is intriguing but slightly more abstract than the other concrete metaphors; connecting it more clearly to the moon's shape might strengthen the visual flow.


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Review of The Dreaming One  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this read through Read & Review.

Overall Impression
The poem feels like a modern myth, striking a beautiful balance between a lullaby and a legendary tale. The rhythm is steady and soothing, making it an excellent choice for a children's bedtime story. It effectively personifies "The Dreaming One" as a gentle, cosmic guardian of imagination.

Strengths
Vivid Imagery: Phrases like "hair was spun from comet trails" and "trees would gleam with violet fire" create a rich, fantasy world that is easy for a child to visualize.

Strong Metaphor: The idea of placing a "spark behind your ear" or a "lantern" glowing within is a lovely way to describe the spark of creativity and the comfort of dreams.

Rhythmic Flow: The AABB and ABAB rhyme schemes are handled naturally, maintaining a "soft" sound that matches the mythology of the character.

Emotional Resonance: The penultimate stanza, which addresses when "stars grow dim and hope feels small," adds a layer of depth and reassurance that transcends a simple nursery rhyme.

Suggestions for Improvement
Pacing in the Third Stanza: The line "And sometimes brought a whisper back / Wrapped in silence, soft and slack" feels a bit heavier than the rest. Consider a word other than "slack" to maintain the ethereal quality of the poem.

Formatting: While the dashes (⸻) separate the thoughts well, if this were to be published as a physical book, these sections would make perfect page breaks for illustrations.

Summary
The Dreaming One is a heartfelt piece of poetry that captures the magic of the night. It offers a sense of security and inspiration, reminding readers—both young and old—that even when the world feels dark, there is a "girl made soft of light" watching over our dreams.


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Review of Mixed Up  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece, Mixed Up, is a powerful and vulnerable introduction to a personal journey of recovery and professional purpose. It effectively balances past struggles with current responsibilities.

Strengths
Authentic Voice: The writing feels deeply personal and honest, especially when discussing the "cycle of insanity" and the reality of staying sober.

Compelling Hook: Starting with "confessions of a ‘mixed up’ mind" immediately draws the reader into your internal narrative.

Relatability: Your description of the "mental load"—juggling mental health, work, and elderly parents—is something many readers will resonate with.

Areas for Reflection
Structure: The piece moves quickly from your job discovery in 2020 to your current feelings. You might consider adding a small transition paragraph to bridge that five-year gap more smoothly.

The "Secrets" Paradox: You mention that "my only secrets are the secrets I tell myself on how to become successful". This is a fascinating concept that could be expanded upon—are these "secrets" positive affirmations or hidden pressures?

Constructive Tips
Pacing: The paragraph starting with "Jumping back to today" covers a lot of ground. Breaking this into two smaller paragraphs could give your reflections on "staying okay" more emotional weight.

Formatting: Since you mention this is "Take 1001," using a few more line breaks can help the reader digest the heavy, meaningful themes you are sharing.


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Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Core Themes & Interpretation
The writer interprets the dream through a religious lens, specifically focusing on the concept of divine protection:

The Anchor: The central realization is that despite being high in the air and unable to swim, the author was always "anchored to this solid rock." This serves as a metaphor for God’s presence.

The Granddaughter: Her silent presence suggests a feeling of companionship and peace, even in a situation that would normally cause the author high anxiety.

The Transition: The shift from the anxiety of the air to the safety of the "solid rock" on the ground reinforces the message of being grounded in faith.

Strengths
Authenticity: The "Lazy Writer" persona comes across as very sincere. The admission of personal fears (not being able to swim) makes the spiritual takeaway feel more earned and relatable.

Vivid Imagery: The description of "rings in the water forever spreading outwards" and the "backward L shape" of the town creates a clear mental picture for the reader.

Emotional Resonance: It effectively captures the feeling of "post-dream fatigue" and the lingering peace that can follow a significant subconscious experience.

Areas for Reflection
While the essay is a touching personal testimony, a reader might be curious about:

The Symbolism of the Rings: The author mentions rings spreading in the water but doesn't interpret them. These could represent the "ripple effect" of actions or prayers.

The Walking Bridge: Small details like the bridge and the shops could be explored further—perhaps representing a transition back to "normalcy" after a spiritual peak.


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Review of Talking  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall Impression
This is a relatable and punchy piece of flash fiction that effectively captures the internal monologue of an introvert or someone suffering from social exhaustion. The transition from the "niceness" of a dream to the "endless chatter" of the real world creates a strong emotional hook immediately.

Strengths
Voice: The narrator’s voice is distinct and authentic. The frustration feels genuine rather than just "grumpy," especially the observation about people talking "to my front" when they aren't talking behind their back.

Pacing: For a flash fiction piece, the flow is excellent. It moves quickly from the act of waking up to the specific workplace grievance, making the 1.65 KB story feel complete.

Thematic Clarity: The piece highlights a common social friction—the idea that silence is often viewed as a "shell" that needs breaking, rather than a valid way of being.

Tips for Improvement
Sensory Detail: While the internal monologue is strong, adding one specific sensory detail about the "talky" coworkers (e.g., the specific pitch of a laugh or the smell of the breakroom) could make the setting feel more grounded.

Formatting: The text is currently one large block. Breaking it into two or three smaller paragraphs (perhaps at "It’s bad enough they talk to my front") would improve readability for the digital reader.


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Review of Hum  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)


Overall Impression
This is a delicate and lyrical short poem that uses vivid gemstone imagery to describe the depth of the human heart. The metaphor of the heart as a "treasure chest" is well-executed, creating a sense of value and mystery. The transition from visual jewels to auditory "notes" in the final stanza is a lovely touch that justifies the title "Hum".

Strengths
Imagery: Phrases like "Pink & chocolate diamonds" and "Emeralds" provide a rich, colorful texture to the poem.

Rhythm and Rhyme: The ABCB rhyme scheme in the first stanza ("pearls" / "schools") and the second stanza ("verse" / "along" – though slant) gives the piece a song-like quality that fits the musical theme.

The Message: The invitation to "Close your eyes" and "Be still" provides a peaceful, meditative conclusion that resonates with the reader.

Suggestions for Improvement
Punctuation: The use of semicolons and commas is a bit unconventional (e.g., "Rubies, pearls; / in schools."). Cleaning up the punctuation could help the natural flow of the reader's internal voice.

Expansion: While the brevity is part of its charm, adding one more stanza about a specific "jewel" or "story" could deepen the emotional impact before reaching the final "hum".


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Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall Impression
This is a compelling start to a hard science fiction story. You’ve done an excellent job establishing a grounded, blue-collar atmosphere within a high-tech setting. The shift from the mundane task of receiving boxes on a night shift to the grand cosmic history of the Pisces probes creates a great sense of scale.

Strengths
Voice and Tone: The narrator, Lew, has a very authentic "working engineer" voice. The details about the eleven stairs and the "rock propping the door" make the environment feel lived-in and real.

Scientific World-Building: Your explanation of the three-body interaction involving Triton, Jupiter, and Earth’s Moon is fascinating and well-delivered. It provides high stakes for why these old boxes of data might actually be important.

Pacing: You transition smoothly from the logistical details of the delivery to the deep-space exposition, keeping the reader engaged through the narrator's internal knowledge.

Suggestions for Improvement
The Hook: While the technical history is interesting, the "inciting incident"—finding the specific data Lew hadn't intended to get—is mentioned in the first sentence but hasn't been shown yet. Ending this section just as he begins to look into the boxes would create a stronger cliffhanger.

Formatting: On Writing.Com, breaking up the longer paragraphs of technical exposition can make the text more "scannable" for digital readers.


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21
Review of The Wallet  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,
I really enjoyed your story. I hope accept my feedback.

The narrative follows Jack Waite, a desperate man who turns to crime and inadvertently becomes a murderer, only to be haunted by the very object he stole.

Strengths
Effective Supernatural Elements: The use of the wallet as a recurring, inescapable object creates a strong sense of dread. Its constant reappearance effectively signals Jack's inability to escape his crime.

Atmospheric Opening: The description of the dark, rain-lashed alley and Jack's physical manifestations of fear (shivering, trembling) immediately sets a suspenseful tone.

Clear Character Motivation: Providing Jack's backstory—the loss of his job, family, and subsequent spiral—helps the reader understand his desperation, even if they don't sympathize with his actions.

Irony in the Ending: The "cycle of violence" ending, where Jack meets the same fate as his victim at the hands of new muggers, provides a satisfying, albeit grim, thematic resolution.

Areas for Consideration
Dialogue Clarity: The supernatural dialogue from the TV and the mirror is chilling, but you might consider making the transitions into these hallucinations even more jarring to heighten the horror element.

Pacing in the Middle: The transition from Jack's realization of the murder to his full-blown hallucinations happens quite rapidly. Adding one more subtle, "is-this-real" moment could help build the psychological tension further before the ghost of Harry Gorse fully appears.

Final Verdict
This is a solid, fast-paced horror story with a strong "be careful what you wish for" moral. The recurring imagery of the battered brown wallet ties the supernatural and physical worlds together effectively, leading to a punchy and ironic conclusion.


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22
22
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall impression
This poem feels intellectual, rhythmic, and abstract, with a strong confidence in tone. It reads like a series of compressed aphorisms—almost riddle-like—where authority, law, intellect, and moral structure are recurring undercurrents. There’s a sense of someone examining systems (justice, rules, knowledge, institutions) rather than individual emotion, which gives it a cerebral edge.

Strengths
• Strong rhythm and rhyme control: You maintain consistent cadence and end-rhyme discipline throughout, which is not easy at this length.
• Commanding voice: Lines like “Firm and knowing, they’re top brass!” and “Just achieve, don’t grieve, God Bless!” carry certainty and authority.
• Layered wordplay: Legal, military, academic, and philosophical language overlap nicely, creating a multifaceted speaker.
• Cohesive themes: Power, legality, judgment, knowledge, and institutional order recur enough to feel intentional rather than scattered.

Areas that could be stronger
• Clarity vs. obscurity: At times the abstraction stacks so high that meaning becomes difficult to anchor. Readers may feel intrigued but unsure what they’re meant to hold onto.
• Example: “Formulaic portal’s eagle” is evocative, but its function in the stanza is unclear.
• Emotional distance: The poem is intellectually rich, but emotionally cool. If that’s intentional, it works—but if you want deeper impact, one or two concrete human moments would ground it.
• Occasional filler rhyme: A few lines feel like they serve the rhyme more than the idea (e.g., “Needing just a bay to dredge”, “Authoring a book’s not planned”), which slightly weakens otherwise sharp stanzas.

Structural notes
• The stanza progression feels more associative than narrative. That’s not a flaw, but readers who prefer momentum may want a clearer arc or escalation.
• The final stanza is effective conceptually, but it reads more like a thesis statement than a culmination. You might strengthen it by tying it back to a concrete image or earlier line.

What this poem does best
It sounds like a mind that:
• Trusts logic over sentiment
• Respects structure but questions its outcomes
• Sees institutions as powerful, static, and necessary—but not sacred


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23
23
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Impression
The author, Jeffhans, does an excellent job of capturing the distinct "voices" of both the Peanuts gang and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The contrast between Charlie Brown’s existential melancholy and the Turtles' high-energy "cowabunga" attitude provides great comedic timing and heart.
Strengths
• Character Accuracy: Characters like Lucy (with her psychiatric booth), Linus (and his blanket), and Michelangelo (with his love for pizza) feel exactly like their canon counterparts.
• Creative Problem Solving: The way the Peanuts kids use their unique traits—like Schroeder’s music and Snoopy’s imagination—to help the Turtles fight the Foot Clan is clever and keeps the stakes appropriate for an "E-rated" story.
• Pacing: The transition from a quiet autumn day to a ninja showdown is quick and engaging, making it a perfect short read.
Tips for Improvement
• Sensory Details: While the "crisp autumn day" is a nice start, adding more descriptions of the clash in styles—perhaps how the gritty Foot Clan looks against the simple, hand-drawn aesthetic of the Peanuts world—could add visual depth.
• Dialogue Tag Variety: In some sections, using more descriptive action beats instead of "said" or "exclaimed" could help convey the characters' emotions even more clearly during the battle.


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24
24
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Strengths
Emotional Sincerity: The author’s compassion for the victims, their families, and even lost pets is evident. The use of phrases like "dismal dazes" and "prayerful Heaven" effectively conveys a sense of collective mourning and hope.

Rhythm and Structure: The poem follows a consistent AABB/ABAB-style rhyme scheme (e.g., ruin/strewn, ashes/splashes) that gives it a structured, elegiac flow.

Imagery: Comparing the lost town to "angels' souls in heaven" elevates the subject matter, focusing on the spiritual and human cost rather than just the physical destruction.

Suggestions for Improvement
Word Choice: Some phrases feel a bit forced to fit the rhyme. For instance, "a blessing strewn" is slightly ambiguous in this context. Exploring more specific sensory details—like the smell of the air or the specific colors of the West Maui sunset—could make the imagery even more vivid.

Flow: The line "Rescues children, moms, and pops" shifts the tone to something slightly more casual. You might consider a more formal concluding line to maintain the solemnity established in the earlier stanzas.

Overall Impression
It is a moving piece of news-based poetry that serves as both a prayer and a memorial. It successfully honors the resilience of the community while acknowledging the profound horror of the event.


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25
25
Review of One Too Many...  Open in new Window.
Review by Emberly Gray Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The poem is written from the perspective of a weary teacher preparing for the final school field trip of the year—a trip to the aquarium.

The Problem: The teacher starts with 30 children, carefully numbered. However, upon counting them at the aquarium, the total suddenly becomes thirty-one.

The Search: The teacher frantically tries to spot the extra child, noting that most of the kids are "unfamiliar" and the "most familiar one is the small kid in the suit". The students giggle every time the teacher recounts.

The Resolution (Kind Of): The teacher manages to get them all back on the bus, cheering that "Too many's not a problem but too few and I'll be done!".

The Final Twist: All the parents collect their children, but one child is left behind—the one with the "fishy breath" who "smells like bait". The teacher is left waiting with the mysterious, smelly child.

Review and Analysis
Strengths
Humor and Tone: The poem is genuinely funny, capturing the exasperation and sheer panic of a school teacher on a field trip. The narrator's internal monologue ("Once more I've cheated death") is relatable and amusing.

Narrative Arc: It has a clear, well-defined story arc with a setup, conflict (the extra child), rising tension, and a punchy, surprising resolution (the left-behind, fish-smelling kid).

Rhyme and Rhythm: The rhyming couplets are generally well-executed and maintain a light, brisk pace, which suits the Comedy genre.

Suggestions for Improvement
Clarity on the Extra Child: The poem doesn't explicitly resolve the mystery of the extra child. It's implied that the "small kid in the suit" might be the extra one, but the reader is left hanging. While the final twist about the fishy kid is great, a brief line hinting at who the 31st child was (a lost mascot, an unexpected sibling, an aquarium employee?) could strengthen the middle section.

The Teacher's Observation: The line "A few seem unfamiliar but then I'm not astute" is a good moment of self-deprecating humor, but the preceding comment that all the kids "look the same in all my classes" slightly undercuts the idea of spotting an unfamiliar face. This is a minor point, but perhaps emphasizing the number and chaos rather than the similarity of faces would be slightly clearer.

Overall Assessment
This is an excellent entry for a humorous poetry contest. It's fast, funny, and highly relatable to anyone who has been a teacher or a chaperone. The final image of the fishy-smelling child waiting alone is a perfect, absurd capstone to the day's chaos.


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