The flow was excellent until I reached the last stanza, I have to admit I wasn't aware originally of what "blinky" meant so it conjured up some strange imagery. But besides that the rhythm was great, and language is playful yet sexy. If you have such imaginative dreams, you are very lucky. Keep up the good work. Write on!
Excellent start. The character was introduced well, the reader gets to see into his mind and how he thinks. The cohesion of the piece was also good, flowing quite nicely. The imagery was pretty good but maybe a few more details would make it stronger (like what the man was wearing, a detail about where Warforged are standing). My favorite line was: "Praise, the Warforge's only reward." Very powerful. Overall, a great piece. Keep up the great work. Write on!
Character: The figure in black was nice and mysterious but I think maybe you could add some emotional details to the dragon. What you have is good at first but then you revert to telling how the dragon feels. Try showing it more, it will bond the reader with the character more on that emotional level. The more your reader cares about a character, the more they will read and enjoy your work. For example, does the tear escape the dragon's eyes, does it sigh in frustration before its last breath, etc.
Flow: The transition from the figure in black to the dragon scene is a little bumpy. I wasn't sure if it was a continuation of the scene with the figure in black or a new scene until half way through the paragraph after the transition. Going back over it, I think it was the spacing on the site, I didn't notice that it was double spaced. However, I personally would recommend maybe adding some kind of mark to visible or either word (meanwhile, etc) to show that the story has progressed to another area; some writers even simply state it.
Imagery: From the first paragraph on, I could clearly picture the world you painted with those words. Excellent.
Word Use: Its incredibly difficult to have great imagery without using proper wording. Great job!
Favorite: "Accompanied only by the scuttling of scorpions and the occasional shadow of a vulture circling lazily overhead, he looked like a specter of death in his long sleeved, full length robe." The way you worded the scorpion bit was brilliant. My favorite was that and the sentence about the Flame Breath.
Overall: Amazing job in creating a strong image in my mind. I enjoyed the way you structured the writing and the story was intense. Keep up the good job and Write On!
Flow: The transitions were smooth and the piece was very readable.
Imagery: I would like to see more detail of where this story is being told. Are the listeners sitting or standing?
Word Use: Excellent, I thought it was clever to use the word diminutive to describe the dwarves.
Favorite: "His stoic indifference to the events unfolding around him emboldened them, and the tension dissipated." Love the imagery I get from this sentence.
Overall: Almost flawless. With the addition of the imagery at the beginning this could easily be a 5 start piece.
"Out the front door he went and back to the truck", maybe "and 'headed' back to..."
Character: Jeff has some interesting challenges to tackle but I would recommend adding some more of his emotions to connect him more to the reader. Getting his Wife's voice-mail would be a golden opportunity, you could go into detail about how he feels (rejected, annoyed, guilty, etc) and use that to show an aspect or their relationship. Not only will he still be cool but also relate-able.
Flow: The intensity built throughout the piece, and was excellent. However the part where Jeff is eating on the balcony and then it his bedroom could use a transition of him getting there so it is less confusing the first read through.
Imagery: I thought you handled the description on the city very well, focusing on the points that matter and that stand out. Not wasting time on insignificant details and bogging down the plot. Great Job!
Favorite: "He looked up and the sky was nearly black to the east, a dense black, impenetrable, resolute."
Overall: Almost flawless piece, all I would add is a little emotional context and its 5 star material. Keep up the good work, and write on!
The beginning was very solid, and was quite readable. However, there was one line that was a bit confusing: "This tale of part truths may just explain many truths in which many never knew were truths." I personally change 'part truths' to 'half truths', it sounds more in tune with the rest of the piece. 'many' truths is a little much, maybe you could just put truths, it will make the sentence less busy and easier to read. And the last 'truths' and I would change to 'true'. Saying that truths are truths is redundant, however; if you say that truths are true is it more acceptable to the reader's mind. Everything else looks very good. Sounds like an interesting story!
Character: The characters seem very real through their actions. I look forward to seeing more of the characters and what they do in their situations.
Flow: The piece flowed excellently, it was very readable.
Imagery: The descriptions of the people were sound but only thing that seemed to be missing was the details of the surroundings. Though the details are not completely absent, it would increase the potency of the piece if there was more.
Word Use: Superb words were used and used well to help the piece flow.
Favorite: "They figured out that they could climb to freedom by piling up, one on top of the other, dancing a nauseatingly wormy little dance as they went." Amazing imagery, it definitely stands out to me.
Overall: The work is excellent, the only thing that could be changed is some additional background descriptions. Overall, spendid work! I look forward to reading more, it seems very interesting.
Character: All the characters seemed very well put together. Although Tristan's way of speaking can make the piece hard to read at times. My favorite character is Lelianna, because the reader gets to see a lot of actions that tell what kind of person she is.
Flow: The piece flows very well with the exception of Tristan's way of speaking.
Imagery: The imagery was especially excellent when you described the bloodied battlefield, I could vividly picture it in my mind.
Word Use:Not only did you use splendid words to describe physical objects, you also were able to describe the emotional status of the characters (a sign of a great author).
Favorite: "The sand beneath the horses' hoofs was still stained with the dark brownish red of dried blood; the scent of it hung just below the corruption of the corpses, tangy and metallic." Superb imagery!
Overall: Overall, the piece seems very solid the only thing that can really be edited is the way Tristan speaks, it deceases your readability. However if you are fine with that, the piece is very good. Awesome Work!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kitte
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 12:42am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "