Greetings! I saw your story on the Shameless Plug page and stopped in for a read and review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions, if any, in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.
You story has grand potential!
Your writing is fine except for a few little roadblocks which I'll point out in a minute. It's the substance of the story which is lacking believability and energy. I say this because, while the plot is feasible and contemporary, the elements of short story writing which are essential to it overall effectiveness, needs a little more work. There is a consistent theme which seems to be over-indulgence and self-absorbed boredom yet, the plot never fully presents itself and so their is no resolution.
I realize part of the plot had to do with the sensationalism of the newspaper story but it didn't seem to have any effect on the young couple but embarrassment. They became a 'laughing stock' and yet, how did it affect their lives? Did it make them physically and mentally sick? Did it make them suicidal? Did it the story cause them to lose the ability to earn future income? The reader needs some kind of change or evolution or deliverance in order to feel connected to the characters. They are a little shallow. We need mannerisms and body language and action from the characters, even some dialogue. We need some drama, mystery, suspense...a reason to be engaged and to enlist our emotions.
The characteristics you present are not redeeming. And this isn't necessarily bad, but why are they so self-satisfied/absorbed? They whine and drink and lope around, seeming bored and trifling without goals or desires or dreams...not even some misadventures. They need some life. All they do is bath and drink and smoke and put on appearances on how the rich and elite live.
The setting is a hotel room. Why? Are they on vacation? On their honeymoon? Or do they just live in a hotel because they can and because of room service? This could be more explicable. The reader needs a little history.
The conflict you present the reader is on a surface-level external and internal yet, the charcters don't evolve or change they just run away. So it's difficult for the reader's to care about them.
Also, the pace of the story is a bit slow and meandering, like there was no thought in how to construct the next scene which should move the plot along to resolution. So it makes for a rough read rather than smooth. This has potential! Don't give up and Please don't think I'm being harsh. I'm just offering one opinion and hoping to provide a little constructive advice on how to improve. You wouldn't believe how the reviews and advice of other's made me a better writer.
You have moments when you've committed to your writing and thus kept the reader engaged, and then moments when your writing is a bit wordy and repetitive.
For instance:"But as similar as the couple’s positions are while the woman is completely relaxed, the handsome man has a certain tenseness about him that makes his mouth thin and his hand clutch tightly around the ice-filled tumbler he holds." This is a bit wordy. Ask yourself what are you saying and is every word as effective as possible. You could rewrite this to say: While they mirrored each other in their positions, the woman was relaxed and the man was tense which was reflected in the tight lips and firm grasp of his hand around the tumbler. You're saying the same thing with less words.
For example, she laid her head back in such a manner as to convey to all that had not a care in the world. The previous sentence is an example of telling rather than showing. it's important to be as descriptive as possible so the reader can envision it in their mind. 'in such a manner' is vague. Show us. Perhaps: "She laid her head back; her eyes starring, void of any motivation other than to categorize the various textures in the lackluster paint of the ceiling. " ok, you might not like my words, but you get my point. Showing is always better than telling.
The following sentence is a bit wordy.
"Then with a realization that hit him so hard he felt as if a train had hit him he recognized the man" Once he recognized the man, all the color drained from his face and anger flashed in his eyes." 'train' is a bit of a cliche. You can be more descriptive and characterize at the same time.
The following sentence seems a bit awkward to me. Just needs a little TLC After the mandatory period of feigned grief James had quickly married a young woman of prominent, but not wealthy family from New England.
The following sentence posed some confusion because the story began four paragraphs prior and so this seems repetitive...an after thought. Also, read this sentence out loud. Does it seem wordy and repetitive to you?
Our story begins on one random day early in the Waldorf’s marriage some thirty minutes after the aforementioned lounging, not with a bang but with a knock on the door of their hotel room. In the thirty minutes past Adriana had managed, after great effort, to lounge her way into the bathroom and consequently into the large tub to take a bath, as she usually did about twice a day. You see Adriana seemed to find something symbolic in bathing, as if a half hour in the bath could cleanse you of your sins, both real and imagined like it did dirt. It seems your just adding words and phrases to lengthen the story. So it does seem like a natural transition from one thought to another.
And finally, I challenge you to go and rewrite every adverb in your story. You've used quite a few. I copied some of them but not all. Adverbs are necessary sometimes, but moist of the time our sentences are more alive and colorful without them. They don't add much to the w4ord they're intended to modify.
For most of us writers its just laziness. And sometime were not even aware of how much re rely on them until someone points them out.
directly, scarcely, languidly, slowly, easily, intricately, similarly, haphazardly, quickly, recently, angrily, anxiously ,obviously, pointedly, loudly , hysterically
I know this seems like a lot. But really, this has Potential! Don't get discouraged. You have writing flair and this is the bare necessity...all the rest comes with writing, rewriting and writing some more. So keep on writing!
I hope this has been helpful and I hope you take this in the encouraging manner it was intended. Thank you for allowing me to share and for inviting me in to your port.
Write on and then write on some more!
kjo just groovin
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