![Flower3 *Flower3*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/flower3.png) Hey There 65days ![Flower3 *Flower3*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/flower3.png) ![Flower3 *Flower3*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/flower3.png)
Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. Thank you for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.
Your title drew me in. It's not descriptive and gives little clue as to the theme and storyline but it did pique my interest.
You did a fantastic job of characterizing the insanity of Alexis. She was by no means normal and I thought your portrayal of her descent into madness was effective and believable if not a little peculiar. She was more than a bit confused and the self-inflicted cuts were a profound reminder of her psychosis.
Too, I thought you constructed the scenes well as your character recreated the conception of her 'love' and how it lead to her impending insanity.
There were however numerous grammar issues and issues with the mechanics of writing that interrupted the flow of your story.
I know you are aware of the spelling errors and using the wrong context of a word: a.k.a: writing 'of' when it should be 'off' , but those were not the only problems that prevented a smooth read.
I will list a few other observations that may help you in your editing efforts and which may help refine and polish your story so it can reach its grand potential.
It was a small room. Kind of bland, pictures drape the pale walls
The room was a good size, you could park at least two cars side by side and still have room to open the doors. In the above examples copied from your story, the second sentence is a fragment, you may want to connect it to the first with a comma. And in the final sentences, you used a comma after 'size' when you should use a period or semi colon to separate because they are two complete sentences, committing a runon.
Stood like guards, was a garden of aged statues, most biblical, reciting some key points in the biblical history, they towered over Alexis as she wondered without a care through the courtyard. I see a few issues with the above examples. First, "stood like guards" creates a little confusion. It reads a bit awkward. Perhaps: Aged statues stood tall like guards, towering over
the garden..." Next, you repeated 'biblical' twice making it a bit redundant. and in the final sentence, I think you meant 'wandered' rather then wondered.?
A wide grim broadened across her face. Do you mean 'grin'?
The door had been recently been cleaned and had the number 011 branded to the door. Here you can omit one 'been' and maybe reconsider another word for one of the door's?
The book now too water logged to be useful to anyone, it curled whithered at the edges. A runon. Perhaps a period instead of a comma? And the second sentence is a bit awkward.
She lunged forward and collapsed into a puddle. Her blood now seeped into the water, turning it a murky brown. She reached for it, blood spilling to the floor, turning the dust crimson. In these two sentences, I just wanted to point out...first you say the ground/floor was laden ed with water...then with dust. it's best to remain consistent so the reader isn't confused.
The final observation I have is the overuse of adverbs. Far too many for the length of this story. Adding a 'ly' on the end of a word doesn't make it more effective or more descriptive. In fact, if you omit the adverb and replace it with more words...you can add insight into characterization, action and conflict. Some you used three of more times. Here are some of them you may want to reconsider: lazily, slowly, heavily, slightly, loudly, quickly, loudly, abruptly, valiantly, brilliantly, gently, astonishingly, simply, tightly, obviously, hastily, nervously, sheepishly, magnificently. As an example of omitting an adverb, I offer you this example: You wrote: The sun peered lazily through the trees, illuminating the ground, flickering slightly beneath her footsteps ." My first observation is 'peering' and lazily seem to be two complete opposites. Then you added 'slight;y' another adverb. You could rewrite this such as: The sun peered through the trees with such intensity its brilliance bounced off the ground illuminating her determined footsteps as she trudged through the thick underbrush.
Well you may not like my words but I'm sure you get my point. Can you sense a difference? It created more depth and drama to the action of her walking and allows the reader to envision. It's best to show us rather then tell us Also, it adds to the characterization of Alexis. Which is necessary so she becomes more life-like allowing the reader to care and connect.
You have a great beginning here. You have allowed the reader to feel her pain and her diminishing state-of-mind. Your character is fragile within which is a wonderful contrast to her stealth physical body. I like the comparison.
This does needs some refining and polishing but I see its promise!
I do hope this has been useful to you.
Write on and then write on some more!
Kjo just groovin ![Flower3 *Flower3*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/flower3.png)
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