Hi Bella, I'm reviewing your short story. I hope you find this review helpful and encouraging.
I've always loved the name Bella.  It has always seemed so free-spirited and full of romanticism.
I'm not sure how to react to your story. I have to admit I was having difficulty focusing because there was so much raw pain and distance.
From an emotional point of view, this story was truly aching with the pain of the young woman. I ached with her. It was gripping in that sense. Its essence was so full of despair and sorrow. You did a great job of revealing and staying focused with her broken-heart. The heartache was so profound.
On the other hand, I had difficulty finishing your story because it just had too many unclear moments and images, too many points of interest that staggered away from the theme at hand.
For instance: I couldn't decipher between the realities, whether they were just her thoughts, dreams, or real scenes. For instance: "That was when David came again, still young and immortal. “I’m going to die,” I told him. He just took my hand and pulled me up, into the kitchen. We stood before the sink. I dipped my head beneath the faucet, and turned it on. It fell so cold I nearly passed out, slapping at the lever. My empty stomach heaved."
One minute you were talking about a bottle and Andrew and this scene played out. I was just a bit confused. Later we find it was just a dream, a hope, a mirage...but It might be best to set it up so the readers can grasp the moment, so we aren't jarred by its sudden appearance. "He was gone. No, he had never been there"
Here was another area I was confused: "He hugged me again. “It’s good to see you. I heard you’re in the big time, now.” As he gazed around, I could see in his face the whole story of Andrew, in fact, of all that I had been and done. It was relieving not to have to tell it."
Was this reality or a dream? Its important to make it clear to the reader what your words are trying to convey. It interrupts the flow when images, characters or thoughts appear suddenly as this one did:
"I suppose this must be how that guy with the volleyball felt. Though, there was not so much as a ping pong ball to be found, and I had thrown away my guidance counselor. Everyone always asked me why I hated that movie. Now that I stopped to think on it, I was realizing that I had never given up my desire for perfectly happy endings."
Its best to ask yourself the importance information plays in a theme or a plot. Its best to ask yourself...is this vital to my story?
From what I gather, this story is about a woman who is distraught after a break-up. She goes to an island alone for r and r. She finds a bottle and fills it with letters. But we shouldn't have to search so hard, reading between the lines has its value...you don't have to spell every word out, on the same token, the story needs to flow and make sense from the beginning to the middle to the end.
There were errors too. A lot a shift in tense from her present state to past tense. Too make it work...there has to be reason...some sort of set up so the reader understands. This aspect needs a bit more clarifying.
"That afternoon saw me and the bottle having a serious heart to heart. It calmly asked me questions about my past, as any other trained professional, and I managed to answer in a similar tone. I found myself wishing…many things." this is another instance that needs clarifying.
The following is an example of fine writing: your sentences were alive and active and descriptive. More Please. "I was eating now, even if it was hard, and I tried to stalk about the island, slinking through the shade. Mostly I slept, deep, full of dreams cobbled together from pieces of reality, as if I was going through the trunk of my life in my own inner attic." excellent!
The following is a few examples of sentences which would benefit from a little editing: I remember once, that I was pure, innocent and ambitious with none of the angry, craving spirit I had now..."
Perhaps: Once, not long ago, I was pure, innocent and so full of ambition. Now I am angry with a craving, sad spirit." Something like that.
"And I had just touched his face and walked away." Its best to avoid beginning a sentence with And, But, That...ect. Perhaps: I touched his face then walked away?"
"with another round of bills that I could barely pay."
One of the things I noticed with your sentences...is you rely in the word 'that' a lot. Often times is a useful word, unavoidable. Most times your sentences could do without: '...with another round of bills that I could barely pay."
Here's another example; "I know that I was at a crosswords...and that whichever way I went, one of the women I had been must disappear."
"I was about to tell fate thatI wouldn't choose, that she could choose for me."
You also rely on the passive verb 'had' a lot." In the following examples of your sentences I will strike the 'had' , then decide for yourself.
I was a costumer and aspiring screenwriter, lying on some beach in the Caribbean, tired, broken, desolate. My director boyfriend had let me come as a kind of breaking up present; his uncle owned the island, but hardly had time to gospent much time here. I was all alone. I felt so ugly, wandering the shining house, against the white sand and the clear blue water. I was sick, and I could feel it. I had known know depression, but this bordered on…something deeper. And I didn’t try to stop it." Just some thoughts for you to ponder.
I really liked the opening paragraph, by the way.
It has a wonderful aesthetic essence to it. 
There were quite a few misplaced commas in your short story: "I was a costumer and aspiring screenwriter, lying on some beach in the Caribbean, tired, broken, desolate." The comma after screenwriter isn't needed.
" I burnt, and I shivered" This isn't a complete sentence, it's missing a verb, perhaps..I was burnt?
"I found a strange new direction for myself, but felt like an unnoticed part of me." the last part of this sentence seems to be missing a word?
bella: The following excerpts are sentences I copied from your story...sentences which are effective and wonderfully written. Sentences that show your flair for storytelling. So don't get discouraged.
"Slowly both of the women I had been disappeared.
And sometimes, years later, you can hear old friends speaking to you even when they’re far away. Wonderful!
"The water seemed to almost whisper to me as it lapped against the tile' nice image!
Mostly I slept, deep, full of dreams cobbled together from pieces of reality, as if I was going through the trunk of my life in my own inner attic." This is lovely!
"My hair was full of wet sand. My legs were twisted under me, but I didn’t want to get up. The tide was coming in. It came as a shock, when it reached me, ankles, knees, then waist, ice cold on my sunburn. I had been there for hours, trying to remember..." Excellent details...{e:delight"
There are some wonderful aspects to this story. it is emotionally passionate...The pain and loneliness come through clearly . There are some strong examples of clear and concise writing and, some that fall short.
This is worthy of a determined rewrite. This is a diamond in the rough. But it can shine...just buff out its weaknesses...edit out those grammar issues and the few technical errors and work on the ambiguity...but mostly please don't forget keep on writing.
There is potential in this story.
I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I've had to rewrite and edit and rewrite and edit...goodness...there is no end...but I love the journey.
Also remember this is just my opinion. It was given humble and with respect to you as a fellow writer.
Good luck
~write on and peace~ kjo{e:flower3}
Slowly both of the women I had been disappeared.
And sometimes, years later, you can hear old friends speaking to you even when they’re far away
The water seemed to almost whisper to me as it lapped against the tile
Mostly I slept, deep, full of dreams cobbled together from pieces of reality, as if I was going through the trunk of my life in my own inner attic.
The water seemed to almost whisper to me as it lapped against the tile.
My hair was full of wet sand. My legs were twisted under me, but I didn’t want to get up. The tide was coming in. It came as a shock, when it reached me, ankles, knees, then waist, ice cold on my sunburn. I had been there for hours, trying to remember...
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
the truth is...I couldn't resist...this is just a ploy...
