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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kmullican
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Review by kmullican Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay Bethany...I see you're in the same painful boat I am in...

Evelyn Harper was cursed with the ability to hear and control the thoughts of others. After a (Due to...caused by...fueled by) childhood shrouded in abuse and fear, her default emotions teeter between annoyed and malevolent. All of which changes when she hears Chloe’s internal screams for help.

Your first chapter is passionately written, your first paragraph, isn't. You're in the same hole as I... welcome ;)

Without hesitation, <---Instinctively...something colorful...I've been told those two words in combination are boring...sorry, I disagree, but I'm repeating. Evelyn thwarts a potential kidnapping, and takes Chloe into her home. She is instantly (why?) bent on protecting the upbeat Senator’s daughter from any loss of innocence. The two form a strange kind of friendship (odd but strong...only worded better)THE TWO FORM AN UNLIKELY BOND...something like that........., their lives interlacing almost seamlessly. Evelyn doesn’t trust the ease at first. However, a college aged girl can only take so much of being secluded from the world. -----I would work on the last sentence.

I love it, but alas we know the Query world is hell... Good luck dear!
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