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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kourosh
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4 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Kourosh Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A big hello to everyone here.

I don't know If I'm doing it right but here it goes anyway,
I am a newbie, well, actually I have been around for a year now, but only three days ago I finally took the plunge and posted up my first short story. (With some great help from one of the members of Technical Reviewing forum) Since this is my first work I would be really glad if someone tells me about what he/she thinks about my first work.

Thanks a lot, this is a great group.
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Review by Kourosh Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ok, first: English is not my mother tongue, so forgive me for any mistakes you might find herein.

It made me wonder why you waited 40 years to present the readers with your nice writing. If you ask me it can fit right in to a column of the local newspaper. But just between us; I would have chosen a more fun title for it if I was the editor!
A very informative work. You have sharply observed some advantages of online shopping which I’m sure many of its hardcore fans have not even thought of. If you can do it this good for online shopping, you can do it for any other subject.

Now, it seems a hard job, but to be a bit of help to you -and to save myself from embarrassment, let me see if I can make any critical remarks…

It is an essay, no question about that. Though, I would have loved to turn the Idea into a short story. Something like a challenge between two old neighbors, one in favor and the other against the online shopping with the ending you can probably imagine. But back to the main point, in my opinion your essay is a bit tilted toward the formal side, I found it ridiculously funny to imagine someone sitting behind his computer and meticulously choosing what to order, with nothing on. Also being pushed in the office chair with my feet up and sipping coffee in the first paragraph was super cool. I looked eagerly for such humorous references in the rest of the text, but couldn’t find any.

I’m not sure if this essay is considered as descriptive or comparative type, but in any case I think it is not a bad idea to give some small credit to the opposite argument as well, –in this case, shopping at the mall, just to keep that fraction of your readers satisfied to see their opinions go noticed. (to get some opposite ideas, just a quick research on the web will do)

Here is one advantage of offline shopping: Window-shopping at the mall when one doesn’t have any money, (which is most often the case with me) is way better than browsing those virtual pages!

So if I was in charge of this essay, I would have even faked some advantages of shopping at the mall, just to keep my old aunt Shamsi happy.

By the way I am a first time writer myself (posted up my first short story two days ago) and checking on works of other authors like me. I hope this was any help to you. And one last thing, please don’t wait another 40 years to submit your next work; you got a lot of potential. Start on it today.

Sincerely,
Kourosh
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