I like the concept of the poem. It seems something has happened to either yourself or someone you know or knew and you have portrayed how people have treated them. I've experienced this to a certain extent. With depression people just don't seem to care or understand and they can't be bothered to listen to you anymore. It's a shame really because no one should have to feel that way and be abandoned.
The only things I can say are the colour in the title hasn't worked.
{{c:navy}b}LOSE YORSELF that's what is there I think you just need to change a few things around and it'll work. Though I'm not entirely sure myself. Try: {c:navy }{b }LOSE YORSELF{/b }{/c } WITHOUT the spaces between the last letter in the brackets. LOSE YORSELF
Also I think you mean misery rather than miserable - 'Oh, the miserable that you felt,' do you mean -'Oh, the misery that you felt,'?
I like how it shows that life is suffering but through that suffering it brings us closer together to learn to love one another and to love ourselves. And through that love we can begin to live a happy life.
I am a big fan of spirituality and I completely agree and understand your words as I have been through this myself and with family and friends.
I'm enjoying the poems. Keep them coming!
P.S Did you mean 'song instead of 'sing'? - 'Until the birds call out and bring us a sing'
Just wondering because they're next to each other on the keyboard! :)
I like the idea of two souls meeting too. It's what grabbed my attention in the first place.
I like the visuals you create.
To me it's about two people living completely different lives and walking different paths but somewhere down the line they meet and have a mutual feeling about their lives.
I'd like to hear your side of the story and explain to me what it's about if you don't mind :).
P.S I think you put two that's when there is only meant to be one?
'The one that that wore the broken hat'
I have to say I enjoyed it. A poem about philosophy and death always intrigue me.
I like the concept. The thought of doing something in this life no matter how small could have an effect on the future and help the generations to come.
It's thought provoking and I do hope that people do make a change in their lives to help the world as a whole and that people do take advantage of that opportunity.
I like the end 'In whatever small way, perhaps my Life has been worthwhile.' I like that Life has been capitalised as if has more meaning than the rest of the sentence, which it does, it's the core of the poem for me. Also the sentence makes me feel as if the person has come to a realisation and realised "Yes, my life does have meaning and no matter what I've done, no matter how small I have helped the world."
Keep 'em coming!
If you're interested in death and philosophy, which I presume you are seeing as your wrote this haha, I'd suggest looking up Alan Watts if you haven't already :).
I must say when I read the description at first I thought Pokémon and mediaeval 'Hmm would that work?' then I said yo myself 'Why not!'
And why not indeed I enjoyed it and I thought it worked well. You've obviously put a lot of thought into your world, I wonder what the rest of it is like having only read a fraction.
I'm also intrigued to hear more about these Cryptures and the adventures of the grandson.
I like how you've got dates as well and that you skip out a few years. It shows Professor Maple has been engrossed in her work and I can imagine what has happened to fill in the gaps.
I like the idea of time travel and fantasy, fantasy always gets a bonus in my books!
I think the main issue for me was it was all crammed together. There were no paragraphs and such to break it up so it was hard to read and keep focused where I was.
Also you go from a passive voice to an active voice and back ect,. (We're all guilty don't worry.)
I also spotted the word 'thru' I think you mean 'threw' as in they threw them into the cells.
I didn't expect the part about Tim cutting off his finger which I found funny, in a dark sense of humour way, but the idea worked and they got the keys! We all have to make sacrifices, it shows the kind of person he is.
I like the idea of dreams, I used to do it a lot when I was younger but I've found, and I've read, you may lose some readers when they find out it was all a dream in the end (or was it) I get your idea but that's just from personal experience. Times may have changed!
I'm sure there's some more I could write and help you with so I will in the future but for now my back is killing me and I need to go lie down and have a nap! You never know I may travel in time in my dreams too!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/l4ce
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 11:31pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "